I got really lonely. Across the Universe and reading through my chapter for Physics. Sigh.
At this moment I wish I had a laptop to work on in the living room. Darnit.
Hope you're enjoying my Fearless series.

Images of broken light
Which dance before me like a million eyes
That call me on and on across the universe
Thoughts meander like a
Restless wind inside a letter box
They tumble blindly
As they make their way across the universe

-- ZelleZ

I think I'm getting better at this. Not having so much of a ridiculous time weaning myself off of him. Two months from now I'll be receiving a diploma that signifies that my high school life is officially over. Not too long after that I'll be sitting on a plane, which signifies that my time on Guam will be over at least for the next few years. I think about the fact that it is not completely impossible to see him again nor is it exactly easy. Speaking of...he just signed in.

Spent the last two or three hours cleaning to Gerard's voice again. And they keep ringing in my ears and I can feel it. I remember what he wrote about this song, that he could feel it. That after he broke up with Kat, he could feel every single word that he wrote. And here's me getting incredibly upset about it still. I'm excited to leave, but of course I'm melancholy. I can only imagine the sad looks I'll receive as I pass through TSA. I only imagine they are sad because I can't say for sure they will be.

And now until MY Famous Last Words, these are currently playing over and over in my head:

"Cause I see you lying next to me, with words I thought I'd never speak.
Awake and unafraid..."

"I am not afraid to keep on living.
I am not afraid to walk this world alone.
Honey if you stay, I'll be forgiven.
Nothing you can say can stop me going.."

-- ZelleZ

I'm not sure. Who am I trying to be? I'm not fearless. I'm going through this whole superhero complex, huh? I'm not invincible and I know I can't stand the pain. I can't stand the pain right now. I can't stand that I can't stand it. I can't stand for anything. I can't even tell myself that everything is going to be okay. We're one week away from April. Then May. Then June. Then July. Then what? Everything's going to be okay? What? Am I supposed to expect that every single promise that we make to each other is going to follow through? Are you kidding me? 3k just to see my ass maybe once in ten years? Who are we kidding? Who am I kidding?

Is that my paranoia kicking in? I don't really know what I want to say or how to express myself. I am literally frustrated because I can barely contain myself and once again writing without really knowing what I'm writing about. I'm just letting the words flow from my brain to my finger tips, listening to the quick tapping of the keyboard. It's rythmic and calming but it can't keep my mind off of what keeps looming over me; what has been looming over me for the past few weeks, months. I mean, when I'm not blankly staring at the computer screen. 

I have absolutely not faith in myself right now. I'm slowly getting up from my standstill but the part I'm not liking is that I still don't know where I stand with you; where we are going to place ourselves in this world.

And all I ever think about is that I have to go through this. And I think I'm going to end up curling into a ball and just sort of sit in my sorrow for a while. Because I can already stinging the corner of my eyes the same way that the laptop edge is making my wrist wound sting. And in all honesty, I really don't think anyone needs to read this.

Some days I feel so selfish because I always just talk about myself here. But it's the most convenient place. A sort of journal, if I may.
For that, I must apologize. There goes my self-image plummeting again.

-- ZelleZ

So the talk I just had with Joseph turned out to be useful. It sort of reassured me, I guess. That making the best of it was the right thing to do. I had weighed out my options.

"Just end it, rather than go through the pain of what you know is coming."
"'Tis better to have loved and lost rather than to never have loved at all."

In the end, I know that I'd rather risk it all and see where it goes rather than go on not knowing what could have happened between us. And though it pains me that it is probably comng I will not make the mistake again of being too scared to hurt or get hurt. I'm laying all my cards on the table, not caring whether or not I'm playing it right.

I'm scared, yes. Deathly afraid. But the only way to conquer it is to shed my fears and not let them hurt me.

Become fearless.

-- Zellez

I get really down because I really miss you.
And sometimes it just isn't enough.
And sometimes I reprimand myself because I know I have tendencies to get needy.

And damnit. I might leave in June.
And damnit. I don't even know how this is going to work.
And damnit. What the hell did I get myself into?

-- ZelleZ

Gawd. I told myself that I wouldn't do this again. But it happened.

I'm at a standstill and I don't know what's causing it.
My heart is heavy, I feel nothing but fear and I'm the only one to blame.
Crud. I need to pick myself up before I end up doing worse.

All the while I'm trying to make it up, I'm trying to figure out why.
Maybe it's the lack of motivation.
Maybe it's lack of interest.
Maybe it's the knowledge that I've been on bare minimum.
Maybe it's because I don't really think I can do it.
Maybe it's because in the back of my mind, I don't want to move on.
Maybe it's because everything's moving too fast before I can process it.

I feel like a failure.

What the hell happened to "better me"?

I can't even keep the promises I make to myself.

-- ZelleZ

And I don't do it intentionally. I never tried to make you feel like the bad guy.
Great. Now I feel like a bad guy.
And well, you still haven't called me.
That is all I really have to say on the matter.

And the lack of socializing with each other is enough for me to say.
And do remember that I have the tendency to come to you.
I always come to you.
And you not having enough good mojo to come to me over the last few weeks.
Well, that's enough for me to feel like this situation is on replay from two years ago.

And...hahaha.
I never have a good mental state.

-- ZelleZ

I mean, I know i shouldn't wait around.

But I always end up hoping someone would take the type of initiative that I normally do.
Plus, I feel hassley and self-centered when I bring up my problems to other people.

Two years later and I'm still looking at you from across the room.
Wishing it was my attention you are asking for.
And I wonder why I wait around for you.
It's all I've done for the past few years.
Wait around for you.
And each time, I end up even more disappointed than before.
Only because each time, I hope that you'd have learned.
You never do.

But still, I keep crawling back to you.
Appeased for the time being.
Until I realize that like always, you will never come to me.

And you never did unless you felt something for me.
And I know that correlation isn't causation.
But that's how it looks.
Wow.
I'm feeling slightly used now.
Thanks.

And you know what?
Not much in our history has done anything to make me feel like the statement above is untrue.

Your two "best friends" are sitting on two opposites sides of the class.
And you sit with neither one of them.
And neither one of them is going to ask for your attention.

I wonder to myself how that could possibly leave you unaffected.
But maybe that's just me.

And really, I'm just writing to waste time.
To take up space.
To see if you'll notice.

And see, the sad part is that I KNOW you never will.
Because I have been writing for almost an hour straight.

-- ZelleZ

Oh. And you never called me.
I don't know why but I postponed this blog, waiting for it.
The sad part is knowing that you never would.
But still waiting for you to.

Upbeat, quirky, some might say cute (though I personally wouldn't).
But longing for attention. Tons of attention. Wanting to be loved. Wanting to feel loved.
Making sure that I'm always there so that it's completely impossible to ignore me.
And eventually, annoying. Eventually, it gets tiresome.
Puppies eventually aren't puppies anymore.
And they are left lonely.

Where, where will you stand 
When all the lights go out 
Across these city streets? 
Where were you when 
All of the embers fell? 
I still remember them 
Covered in ash 
Covered in glass 
Covered in all my friends 
I still think of the bombs they built

Just now, I came down from the roof.
I had been staring up at the stars. They are just so beautiful.
I hate that the streetlights ruin that for me.
One of the things I hate about where I live is that I can't fully wrap myself around the beauty that these wonders deserve.
In one hand, a bottle of newly opened ginger ale and in the other, my cellphone.
And the one thing I wished for was a notebook.
I remembered the nights I used to go up there just to write. Because there was something about the stars that inspired me so and willed me to write so many of the blogs that I've written before.

I laid there for a while, just staring.
Wishing that I could see more of them because only God really knows how many of them there are but I know there are so much more
I let myself fully be entranced by the twinkling lights above me.
Nothing unnatural about them.
And I wished that I they could take me away from what I feel right now.
I wished that they could come down and fully envelope me in their radiance.
So bright that they repel the dark thoughts that surround me, leaving me light and airy.
Carefree. Happy. Bright.

But then, the darkness in me reminds me that most of the stars that I see no longer exist.
That they are nothing but light, useless light. They are not meant to stay.
Just shine until they finally reach us until they finally disappear.
That leaves me feeling naught but a void.
Empty. Dark. Hopeless.

If there's a place that I could be 
Then I'd be another memory 
Can I be the only hope for you? 
Because you're the only hope for me 
And if we can't find where we belong 
We'll have to make it on our own 
Face all the pain and take it on 
Because the only hope for me is you alone

I am just so incredibly paranoid.
I hate this. I hate how I feel about this.
I hate that I feel so paranoid because I know you don't like it but I do.
I hate myself so much, okay?
I already feel like a screw up.
This is where the puppy part comes in.

I need your attention. I need your affection.
I need the hourly reminder that you love me.
And I'm just SO FUCKING NEEDY that I don't know what to do with myself.
I just often feel so abandoned.
I feel so lost.
And I often feel unloved when I shouldn't.

How would you be 
Many years after the disasters 
That we've seen 
What if we learned 
Of all the people burning 
In purifying flame 
I'll say it's okay 
I know you can tell 
And though you can see me smile 
I still think of the guns they sell

I've been through a lot.
And it might be the most recent events which are becoming so heavy in my heart, making me dip into the past.
But I can't stop thinking of it all.

He often told me that he never knew if I meant it when I said "I love you".
Do you ever feel that way?
He never made me feel beautiful.
Why did you stop saying "Good Morning Beautiful" in the morning?

We didn't spend Valentine's Day together.
And I'm still brooding about it though I will NEVER admit it to your face.

And it's true that when you make me smile, it is sincere.
And I don't lie about my well being. I just don't always tell you when something really is bothering me.
You just so happen to catch me when I'm okay. Or you end up unknowingly fixing it before I can say anything.

But some days, I try to forget it so you don't worry.
I don't like you worrying.
Then again, when we're together you can read me like a book and I HAVE to spill.
Which makes it impossible for me to hide anything from you, which I shouldn't.

If there's a place that I could be 
Then I'd be another memory 
Can I be the only hope for you? 
Because you're the only hope for me 
And if we can't find where we belong 
We'll have to make it on our own 
Face all the pain and take it on 
Because the only hope for me is you alone

It's a tough job. Like FJ said once before, I am a handful.
But she said that it'd be worth it.
Would it really?

I feel like such a hassle, such a burden.
And I hate feeling this way ONLY because I know that these three wonderful people have to sit through this and read it.
I don't like being so depressive only because I don't want them worrying about me.
But in all honesty, I don't know where else to go.
Xanga is my most trusted friend. Thick and thin.
Dealing with my endless rants for about seven years.
Knows all my dirty little secrets.

"And if we can't find where we belong 
We'll have to make it on our own 
Face all the pain and take it on 
Because the only hope for me is you alone "

Because I'm certain...that you are the only one person who has the ability to make me stop all of this.
And yeah, it sucks to hear because of everyone backing me and slowly helping me out.
But where have YOU been, Bam? You have no reason this time. To feel so jealous.
We don't even talk anymore.

Either way, it says a lot about how much Coyce means to me.
I'm paranoid, okay?
Incredibly paranoid.
And our only two options are to make me feel crappier about myself or help me get off this stupid treadmill.

I should have known, too. That it'd be one of those days.
I thought I was the ugliest creature on the planet this morning.
Bam, it wasn't anything you said. But what you said didn't help any.

I hate being so dependent.

-- ZelleZ [lyrics courtesy of My Chemical Romance]

Must be the reason for my inability to sleep peacefully for the past week.
Inability to go to sleep. Inability to stay asleep.
Inability to have nice dreams.
I don't know why though.
I don't know.
I don't know why I've even decided to start writing.

I'm quite sure that I know what's been bothering me.
It's too bad though.

-- ZelleZ