April 9, 2014
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I am home.
Dreams of Ke$ha, my favorite girl coming home from a life-threatening surgery and the thrill of doing what I love. My loves are here at the palm of my hand and I will take them with me. I just needed something to come home to. I’m still a little off, still a little out there but I’m here and in recovery. I am home. And I must stay for them.
I’m feeling charged with love.
Hey you,
I have decided that spilling the whole world out on your shoulders is too much to handle, isn’t it? I’m sorry. The identity crisis, the happenings between us, my multiple personalities and my past will trickle in slowly and in time. However, you must come to understand the gravity of my situation. You must understand how important it is that you know what the problem is and the thing is I’m not sure of the problem.
I don’t have a clue to what I have and I don’t want to know what I have. That’s like a cloud looming over me and it took me a full year to accept the fact that I’ve been unwell. But I am owning up to it now. And I don’t want to be in permanent recovery so help me. I refuse therapy that isn’t my own, I refuse to see a “professional”. Misdiagnosis happens at an alarming rate — the wrong diseases are diagnoses, diseases that don’t exist are diagnosed and medications are given out freely without second thought with patients who take them and end up worsening their conditions or giving them conditions that don’t exactly exist.
Call me paranoid.
But I am.
I don’t trust anyone with my mind but myself and my loved ones and as long as they are all around to make sure I don’t lose myself totally, I have nothing to fear. As long as I am charged with the fuel that is the love of those people.
You must learn just how severe the condition is. You must learn the difference between the me who is about to lose it and the me who exists to stay. And you must learn how to bring me home. This is all up to you, however. Because you must accept how hard it is to be my friend sometimes, but this is all so it can be easier for you.
Pandora’s box. It is open, isn’t it. Except this one is mine. We can do this. We can deal with the spirits released and continue our journey through uncharted waters.
But. Only if you would love me enough to do so.
Z.
