And you're listening to "Breathe" by Anna Nalick off of the radio by Spotify. And you're on Facebook because it's your job. And you scroll by a picture of your ex-boyfriend and best friend with his new girlfriend. And you can't help but feel a tinge — of what, I don't know — but it isn't happy.

You ever get that?

It's not jealousy. HELL to the NO. She can have him. I don't want him. That ship has quite sailed and ain't redocking. I ain't got him nor patience for him. Or maybe I wouldn't need patience for him now. It isn't jealousy. Jealousy is wanting to hold on to something that is yours, fearing someone else will take it. It isn't jealousy.

But it's envy — the wish you had that is/was lacking in your own life. And it's not that I don't want him now, I don't. It's wishing I got that when I did have him. Why did I have to work so hard to get what she doesn't have to now? And I didn't even get that. Err, when I did, it didn't last more than a day. It took years. Years of my pushing and lectures and irritation and his own self realization. I have to admit that it tickles my irritation bone.

"Now, why weren't you like that when we were together?"
"You know why."

And I did. I exhaled deeply and accepted it. I got to be the girl he hurt over and over again, who was strong enough to take it. Not sitting down, of course. I fought back. At the time, I was what he needed. I needed to be the best he'd ever had. To help him realize what he needed to be and do. To show him exactly what fearlessness is all about. It took me to bring him here.

and it suuuuucks. for me.

Because like my sister, someone else gets what I had burned over for years. She turned hers into a monogamous guy who keeps his promises. And I turned him into a fearless monster who doesn't take "no" for an answer.

Very Good Luck Chuck if I don't say so myself.

But I'm not dwelling. I just had to put my thoughts onto virtual paper. Expressing myself and what not because evidently, if I don't write, I burn a hole into the ground. I don't long for him. I don't want any of that back. I'm seriously just. saying.

Now, if you'll excuse me. I have a couple of TEDtalks to watch with chicken and broccoli and Tollhouse ready-made dough (yuck) cookies and sevenberry sangria hot tea and.........

Z.