Only because of how relaxed I am right now. o.0

On another note, OMG I have never been so tired. Okay, I have but now the lack of sleep is getting to me. And I'm getting really tired as we speak. Gawd. Maybe we'll ditch CEC since half the class ain't going. I'm so fucking tired. Lmao. I wanna nap.

-- ZelleZ

This is it, I'm fairly certain. There is no longer anything holding us back from just going all out.

"Why would you take me back?"
"Why wouldn't I? You make me happy."

Yes, that is true. And because I know you're not a total idiot. You know when you're in the wrong. You know when you're hurting yourself and hurting me and you don't like it. And you truly are amazing when you aren't being stupid.

"I was going to do this even you were leaving. I'm sorry"

I know you are. I can feel it in your heart. If that makes any sense. And that's good enough for me.

-- ZelleZ

But my mind is restless. I can't stay asleep long enough when I get around to. The more rational part of me wants you to move on and find someone else to love. You do need to be happy and painless. The irrational part of me, which takes up most of my being, wants you all to myself forever no matter how hard it's going to be. For you, I would walk through hell and back. For this, though, you'd need to walk with me. I need you. I need you the way dad needs cocaine. I don't want to think about any sort of life without you.

My heart hurts and it's heavy and it keeps me from thinking straight or sleeping. I'm nauseous and never before has heartbreak ailed my body the way this is. I am appalled at the effect that you have on me. The very thought of you drives me insane. You drive me insane. Please don't let me be without you. I can't. Maybe I'm the fearful one. It finally hit me what you're doing. I'm not giving up because I know you love me. You wouldn't do this if you didn't. You're scared to keep loving me because you know neither of us can handle a second without each other.

For a while, I had seriously contemplated a plan for me to be able to stay. Then I realized that I couldn't do that to myself.

You stress me out like a crazy person.

I refuse to live without you.

I refuse to try to.

I refuse to let you have your way.

I refuse to give up.

To me, you were the missing piece to my jumbo Richard Scarry puzzle (think summer 2008). And once I tossed away the wrong piece, you fit perfectly into the missing space.

I have to finish this puzzle. Let me.

-- ZelleZ

...everything's okay now."

Part of me knew that the second those words left my mouth, I'd regret it. And I did the second I heard them from myself.
Because most of me knew already that it isn't.

-- ZelleZ

This.

-- ZelleZ

Just the way you are.

Mind you, I am actually working on a fourth and FINAL installment to "Fearless" at the moment but this drabble came on after I wasn't sure how to express myself for a while. Enjoy.

It's amazing how you didn't think when he asked if I'm "the one" for you to know your answer. It's amazing how suddenly I want to spend the rest of my life with you. Suddenly, I can imagine every step we would take together into the future. I can imagine getting there.

"With Jeremy, I saw a future. I saw a family. And with Coyce, I see a future...but I can see everything between then and now. I can see us getting there."

From dirt poor, to remotely stable, I can see the struggle and hardships with you. And I had never thought about it before.

"Isn't that a little extreme?"
A shrug and smile.
And maybe it is extreme because it's so early. Maybe it's just a little ridiculous because we're so young. And maybe...just maybe we're wrong.

The road is long and complex. It brings struggle and hardship. It brings hurt and anger. But there will be joy. There will be laughter. There will be happiness. Most importantly, there will be love. And who knows how or when we'll get there. And I hope to God that I get there with you.

Because you are the best thing that has ever happened to me. I constantly look for something wrong and there never is. You are just so incredible. And damnit, you make me happy.

Maybe you're my mister right, baby.
Maybe you're the one I like.

-- ZelleZ

Can you guys see the "She hasn't sung yet. Coconut tree." blog? I mean Bam, Sexiest, and Larry. Ya'll should be the only ones who can.

There is only one thing that I regret from this past month: the fact that we never resolved anything until the very last few days. I love that we did. I hate that it took so long to realize that we needed to; too long to realize that neither one of us was going to speak up. I apologize for that though it really wasn't any one's fault.

But once I get past that, the few moments we were genuinely happy at the beginning I loved every second I spent with you. Every moment you smiled. The little things like you getting me juice at the store or me buying you donettes because I know you love them. Just being wrapped in your arms was enough to know that you cared. I admit that last few weeks were pretty bad. But the rare moments in those weeks where we smiled and really did enjoy each other's company I just fell madly for you over again.

And Thursday night I fell madly for you AGAIN because of everything is resolved. And I am just so tired from the lack of sleep. And yes, I miss you already but it's not as bad because now I know for sure you will still be around. I love you.

"And now I don't know what to do because I just peed" -- The odd sense of relief after a few tense and sad weeks.

If I could do it all over again, I'd make sure that the last week we had was much better. Frankly, it was crap.

I can't wait until Tuesday.

-- ZelleZ

In a sense I feel like Jeremy. I feel what he felt when he said everything in his house reminded him of me. Everything in my house reminds me of Coyce. Everything. I can't sleep in my room anymore. I can barely fall asleep on my couch. He was here for almost a month. I woke up to him. Brushed my teeth with him. Got restless with him and watched TV shows and movies in the middle of the night when we couldn't sleep. Of course, slept with him (take that any way you want to). We grew accustomed to each other's habits, from my insane need to pee 30 times before I sleep to him always taking the purple blanket in the middle of the night (I hate it when he takes the purple blanket).

This entire house is a reminder of everything. We began here. And I'll be damned if we let it end here.

I told you I can read you like a book. As well as you can read me. I knew what was wrong. You knew what was wrong. Neither of us wanted to admit what was wrong to the other. Because we were both expecting to out the other. Though I admit a favorite thing about us is that we don't need to say anything to be on the same page.

And so now we don't even know where we are. Or where we're going.
Actually, we never did. Forget maps.
Anyway, I'm glad that you still miss me when you're gone.

-- ZelleZ

I just want some attention. Maybe there isn't anything wrong with me. Maybe I'm just making it all up in my head. I hate myself. I hate dealing with myself. I could be just lying to myself. I don't want to lie to anyone. I don't want anyone to worry about me. I don't want to feel this way. I hate that people care about me so much. I'm fine. I'm a big girl now. Big girls don't cry. They shouldn't cry, anyway. I don't know anymore.

All these years I've been going on not really knowing whether or not what I say is valid because I've always been told that whatever it was I'm crying about isn't an excuse. Maybe there isn't an excuse. Maybe I'm just being a crybaby like they always told me I was. I'm just being unreasonable probably. I don't know anymore. Maybe I just think something is wrong with me. Just finding excuses so that people feel sorry for me. That's probably it. That's why I don't think anyone should feel sorry for me. Because a) if it's true then it isn't that bad and b) it probably isn't true so it's nothing anyone should get worked up about.

I wish noone read this sometimes. So you don't have to see me so pathetic.

-- ZelleZ

"...but the pages are all torn and frayed"

Lyrics to a song whose title greatly describes the feelings that I've been feeling lately. Sure the actual leaning toward praise for Sweet Revenge and tons of bitterness in the song. However, this line among 3 lines of the chorus do describe the terrible way that I've been feeling. And I hate that I was right when I thought something was bothering you. Though neither of us really know what it is, which I can buy because that happens to me all the time, I was right. And honey, I don't need to "take a good hard look" to see it. And you deserved to know the depressive feelings I've had over the course of the last few weeks and especially the last few days. Thanks for outting yourself.  Thanks for apologizing. No sarcasm intended. I've never had someone apologize to me for feeling this way before so it was kind of odd.

My pages are torn and frayed; I'm not in the best condition nor have I ever been and we both know that. I'm still paranoid. I will always believe I'm doing something wrong. And I will always feel too needy. And I have the worst separation anxiety ever. And it's only going to get worse as time passes.

-- ZelleZ