After a night dedicated to the superhero of his choice, I spend the rest of the day associating myself with one of the supervillains I so happen to have a fondness for. Of course, that's only because of Princess Diana's association with them. He once told me (I'm certain it was him) that if anything, I would be a violet lantern. On and off the memory would graze the top of my consciousness but I had never really thought about it as much as I did last night, this morning and well, tonight. Maybe it was a play off of my favorite color; it was totally possible. He might have just said it absentmindedly when he was talking about the lanterns because I just so happen to really like the color purple. And maybe it was a play off of the person that I am.

Violet Lanterns, rather the Star Sapphires, are fueled by love. Everything that they do using their power rings is fueled by this oh so powerful emotion. Now,Star Sapphires have no weakness to the other Lantern Corps. However, the power that makes them so strong is also what turns out to make them weak. Love. Potentially my greatest strength and probably my greatest weakness. It is the passion for what I love that has driven me to do what I have done for all of my years. All my life I have done naught but follow what I feel, follow what my heart told me was right. Because of this, I have taken kindly to those around me for I believe that everyone has good in them. Because of this, I have finished the videos that I have because of my love of video and art and concept. My most recent video was created because of my love for my graduating class, high school and memories that I've created there. I work hardest for love, for that emotion and it has carried me so far. But maybe it can only carry me so far.

It is my greatest weakness. It is love that has driven me into the arms of one who has deceived me repeatedly for over two years. It is because of love that I ended up hurt and self loathing. And it is because of love that I may have thrown away an opportunity that most believe I should have taken, though I know that opportunity will always be waiting for me (the unfortunate truth of it). It is because of love that I ended up hurt for the past two months.

He brought me up so high and then would bring me down so low because he was scared. He has had the ability to put me on top of the world and make me the happiest I have ever been but also the ability to break me down so much that I can't think straight anymore. Like Hal Jordan in last night's movie, you ran away from me at any given moment too scared to stay. You'd let the yellow energy start to conquer you until once again you found the will again to stop fearing my love. One too many times I have been scared but what kept me around was my own violet light that I've grown to trust and submerge myself in that. Memories of one week that I tried so hard to convince you that my love would never hurt.

So my rationale is starting to kick in, the one thing that I'm scared of because it makes me feel like every decision I make is probably the wrong one. For years, I would always close my eyes and open my heart and feel for the decision that I knew would make me the happiest. But then I have to think about all the people who have been hurting with me because of what he's pulling again this week. They would have every reason to be upset with me should I go after him, should I do what the beating of my heart tells me. They would all be angry, and irritated because of how defensive they can get. But I'd have to ask you guys to trust me. You follow me on all of my selfish whims to make myself happy because of my heart and I'd have to ask you to trust me that should there be a next time around (which isn't too hard to believe will happen though just the opposite isn't too difficult to beleive either) I won't allow myself to hurt the way I have.

Megan, you said that as long as I was truly happy with staying home you wouldn't be too disappointed, right? Yes, my heart led me into staying home for the next few years. And maybe here's slight admittance that his existence might have swayed said decision. And even though the chance of us never being together again is still standing, I am completely content with the decision that I made. I told myself when I told my auntie "no regrets" and there are none. My heart wills me to stay, so I stay.

I promise to you all and to my one of my dearest friends Joshua that from time to time I will let reason be my guide, like he said in his note. But passion has kept me moving so far and I have to ask why that should change. Sal said to me last night that my heart and head were fighting and one of them had to let go while the other takes over. I admitted this morning that it's because I've been so prone to following my heart that it's been deemed irrational, which is understood. Love: it is my strength and it is my weakness. BUT it is still my strength. It has willed me to do, according to Sal "some pretty awesome things". Why should it change?

You, Mr. Murphy, became part of what powered the violet ring to my Star Sapphire. And maybe you might not anymore. But we'll just have to see once we figure out what color under the emotional spectrum you're sitting under.

-- ZelleZ

SO you did it AGAIN. And again, it feels like I had every reason to feel paranoid. Good Lord I tried so hard to not be so paranoid and you make it so difficult now. How is it that less than twenty four hours ago you were spelling full out to me "I love you [fucking] too" you know? Excuse my own vulgarity. And now suddenly you're telling me you LOST INTEREST?! You just DON'T CARE?! I'm sorry but I myself have realized how patient I have been with you and yet you've taken that and yet AGAIN decided to walk away. Well you know what buddy? IT HURTS! It makes me borderline depressed! BUT I'M FUCKING FRUSTRATED! I LOVE YOU! SO FUCKING MUCH! And no matter whether or not you might love me too, you want me back you're working for it. MAYBE I'm just being frustrated but I am DAMN TIRED. My patience for you has worn thin. And so is my trust for you.

The island is small; remember that.

-- ZelleZ

I'm blogging while the boys play Magic because...well, I don't have a lot better to do and it's all I can do to keep myself from digging my mentality into a really deep hole. I know what I feel and I know what I think and I know that Cat's boy sort of just killed off my night. I don't know what else I can do other than write and write and write until I spill every single thought I ever think tonight onto the virtual paper. I am just so incredibly down right now.

You said last night "I love you too" but it's hard for me to feel it when you're being so far away. We don't go anywhere anymore; when was the last time? I don't know anything anymore; why don't you tell me? Why do I have to keep finding out about things from other people? Cat tells me to talk to you, Allen tells me to talk to you and I'm pretty sure everyone else who realizes this is really starting to hurt me is going to be constantly trying to coax me into talking to you. I...was never irritated, Allen...just kind of hurting. Just kind of hurting.

Like a puppy who was left on the corner of a sidewalk while it rains.

Edit: The hurtfulness is being led to anger and I'm starting to get incredibly testy at this very moment. I hope noone pisses me off. Good Lord. I don't want to get angry and I don't want to...ASDFGHJKL; FUCK. I dunno. I hate that while I sit here at Box Seats, I hope that every person who walks through the door is you and I always know that it's not going to be. You don't know I'm here....technically, I don't know where you are either. Why is that? Do you not see that as a problem? I sort of do?

-- ZelleZ

...to write about anything."

Not entirely certain of the quote but it was more or less like that. Things are actually pretty decent. Just gotta get those damn placement tests over with. Working on SING STILL. I seriously need a team. And I seriously need to start getting footage soon. Slightly concerned about the fact that apparently there's this thing going on at the boy's ranch next Sunday that I didn't know about. Amber told me I have to go and Cat refuses to go without me. Strange. Still dealing with the random spouts of paranoia...and then I think about it thoroughly and wonder why I make myself so paranoid. Because well, he really doesn't do much to give me a reason to be paranoid; I just tend to overanalyze everything given the history. Jesus, I need to stop doing that.

Speaking of the Savior himself, my bed was literally kicked this morning. The old man threw a serious fit because they wanted me to go to church. And the fact of the matter is that I'm just having a hard time figuring out the appropriate way to deal with this situation. I've been tossing ideas back and forth in my head for almost a year now, which might be why they just refuse to take the "I slept too late" excuse now, and I'm still at a loss of what to do. And what's making it even less appealing is the fact that they are trying to instill said habit of attending Catholic mass on the Sabbath Day (doth that need to be capitalized?) through force. It's not that I don't want to believe in God -- it's not like that at all. It's a tad apparent that I do believe in God. I'm just not so certain that this particular branch of Christianity is right for me, you know? I can't defend Catholicism like Bam can; the fact that he does makes me certain that he's where he should be. And I don't think that I'll ever be able to, especially when I have to question it myself.

"Remember: to go against the church is to go against God"

Why should I have to do these little rituals to prove to God that I believe in Him and want Him in my life? If I stop, does that mean that I don't? Why do I have to be Catholic for my family to think that I believe? Why must I pray under the Catholic church? Why can't you open your eyes a little and understand that we all believe in the same God? Am I WRONG to say so? WHY must you make this so difficult for me? Because the way I know it is is: Catholic church or don't go at all.

She said to me once on the way home from school that (correct me if I'm not exact here; it's almost 3am and I'm writing on what little energy I have left) I might have to leave my family in order to follow him.

-- ZelleZ

On another note: I'm glad that things are going swimmingly with the few people who I know of the boy's crowd. Apparently Jean (who I've met only once and she left right away after) really likes me. It seems that we've got quite a bit in common and I hope that we're able to chill and stuff in the future. Amber said that Jean would have someone to really talk to, which makes me happy. If we get close enough, I'll start writing papers and stuff with her around.

So it took me almost a month but I'm certain that I'm finally (maybe not completely) out of that black hole I've spun myself in.

Still around, love? I'm here now and I'm sorry that I might have left (metaphorically speaking).

-- ZelleZ

So I'm FINALLY really on the road to recovery. In all seriousness. Oh Coyce, what will I ever do?

I'm still a bit of a mess and I really do want so much to be happy and I am when I'm sitting there next to you when you're on your meal breaks. But that little part of me that's currently trying to retreat back into its home (whence it came), that part of me called "paranoia" is having a hard time finding it's way there. And I have had a lot of those random moments where I just get so scared of it happening again that I've just wanted to run away before you could. So scared that you'll walk away again. And I guess lately I've been trying to build up the strength to carry on without you that I just haven't taken anytime to appreciate that you're still here. And I feel ridiculous for that. And because of that, because I've tried to be strong, I forgot that...well..you have yet to go anywhere. And that one night I felt completely ridiculous for all the paranoia in my head and I guess I have to type it out and in a sense talk to myself to really feel the ridiculousness. If I keep it all locked in my head, it isn't going anywhere.

In those moments I feel ridiculously hopeless, rather ridiculously ridiculous. But can you really blame me for being so scared?

"When it's not all right, when it's not okay will you try to make me feel better
Will you say all right? Will you say okay?
Will you stick with me through whatever?
Or run away?

Say that it's going to be all right.
Say that it's going to be okay."

And repeatedly for the past few weeks, you have.
"Nothing's going to happen" you've said. And I really do want to believe in my heart that nothing will; I promise I'm trying but I'm not quite there yet, not quite confident. I want to be there.

Written a few nights ago (after the whole paranoid scenario where it all came tumbling down and I realized how much I needed to get back up):

"Don't cry, I'm right here," you said to me a few nights ago and I was so scared to believe it. Tonight all my love for you is starting to show itself again. I'm not going to be scared anymore [I hope]. You deserve that from me. Coyce, honey, I'm sorry for the lack of trust the past few weeks and that you've had to deal with insane amounts of paranoia. And thank you for being so patient with me, trying to reassure me that you're not walking away anytime soon; that you're not going anywhere. That you are in fact crazy in love with me. You make me feel like I'm on top of the world. Soon, I'll feel safe again. I'm sorry. I love you. I really do.

And oh, has he been patient. I once spoke to him about it and he said to me "That a problem? Would you rather I say 'fuck it' and walk away?" I instantly laughed and well, of course not. Yeah, that's how I know he loves me. And when he spells out fully those three little words that tell me how he feels because he knows that it's one of the few things in the world that we both know can calm me down completely. Along with having his arms around me (where apparently they are there to stay) and feeling his heartbeat.

I've been said to be a handful and it's ridiculous that anyone would want to stick around to deal with me (friends included ILYA). And well, I guess you have to love me to deal with how I am for "as long as God will let you" (my words).

"You are your mother's child. Stop being so paranoid, silly."

I'm trying and now that I've blogged it, I know for sure that I really am getting there.

-- ZelleZ

Post-Script: Now I know I can concentrate on SING without anything interfering. <-- realized after writing this blog

And so I really do have a good support group. I'll talk to the auntie in the morning since she decided to sleep early tonight. It gives me pleasure to know that you guys will always be here for me. The night's not over yet and my emotions are still fluctuating but thank you everyone who is helping me get through the day.

Auston says (8:36 PM):
*but right now, ima see what i can do to make sure you pass
*ill be damned if you dont graduate with us

Thank you. Every single one of you.

-- ZelleZ

In myself? I've started to lose it. Gradually, I can feel myself crumbling down to pretty much nothing. I'm about to disappoint everyone...again. I can feel it already. I can already feel myself hating who I am, hating everything that I'm supposed to stand for. Everything that I am supposed to be. I can see my entire life spiraling downhill and I'm not really sure how to pick up the pieces. I feel...so...hopeless. Like I'm never going to succeed. Like I'm never going to accomplish anything that I've been meaning to. I mean, look at me now. I have rendered myself incapable of doing anything. And the thing is that I don't actually know why. :/

I don't know what to do with myself. And I really wish there was something I could do to change this. But I feel like...there is no hope for that.

Disappointment, after disappointment. That's all I keep feeling.

-- ZelleZ

My heart is breaking with each step I take. Fuck.

Every word that everyone throws at me and I don't know what to think. I don't know what to say. I don't know what to do.
Where are you Cathy?

-- ZelleZ

I'm getting tense about everything. Expect me pissed off in the morning.

I don't exactly know why but I've been really irritated lately and I know you guys have noticed. I've been really fucking tense.

And Coyce, I don't know what to do about you. Sighface. Cathy says not to give up but I'm on the brink of it. I'm prone to saying that if you love something, let it go and if it was meant to be it'll come back to you. I love you. And I'm willing to let go if you can look me in the eye and tell me everything you texted me is true. I don't think I'll be moving on. But I can let go. I need to focus more. And though you will still be on the top of my mind for the next few months, years (however long it may take to get over you) I can let go. -____- I'm getting a little dizzy. Should I do what Cathy says and keep fighting for what she thinks is what you really want or should I let it slide the way that most rational thinkers might want?

-- ZelleZ