I'm running on this intense fear that I'm going to lose Coyce over this matter. And I know for sure I don't fucking want that. I don't want this to screw anything up. I don't want to even have to deal with this but it seems like I have to. And I don't even know what to do about it. For my stupid boy, the one who will never let anything bring me down...the one who chooses to stick by my side no matter how I'm feeling or acting...the one who has done nothing but love me unconditionally since that night under the stars...I promise I will somehow get through this -- with or without your aid. Coyce, I know I love you. And since that night, I -- for some reason -- felt like I always would. It came so quickly and so easily...like it just had to be that way. And I still feel like all of it was meant ot happen. The way you can make my heart soar with so much ease amazes me. I can't wait for my mind to finally clear, once I figure out how to approach this. I can't wait until you are the only thing occupying my thoughts, Coyce. Because you slip into my thoughts with just as much ease as it takes for you to amaze me. He has to make his way in, with almost force. And I don't enjoy it being so often.

And I think I'll probably need the assistance...because I know that I can't do this without you. Without you wrapping your protective shield around me -- the one that you put up to make sure nothing in the world hurts me. I do need you like a fat kid needs cake. And I right now at the very least, I always want to.

 "Fear is the heart of love" Sal said to me once. And there will always be things threatening us. There will always be things to fear of doing so. But as long as we love each other, it wouldn't matter. It should never matter. Because as long as we have the love that we do, I know that we can get through it and work as hard as we can to rid ourselves of it.

--ZelleZ

It's probably just as unhealthy -- the effect you have on me. The need, the longing, to hear your voice; the craving for your touch; to feel your heart beat. I hate it -- all of it. I HATE not having you around. I hate the fact that at night, I can't sleep knowing you aren't lying next to me. Do you know have any idea how much it sucks to open my eyes and have my heart automatically start looking for you, even though you never will be? I hate this -- this dependency. It's scares the living shit out of me, you know? At any moment you could possibly be gone just as easily as you had come and that scares me. I know, I've told you and I know we've talked about this but it scares me. I don't want to think too much about it but for the most part I can't help it. We're young and anything can happen. That fact, that very possibility of anything coming in and screwing with us freaks me out. Frankly, I don't know how I would take it. 

Every single time you walked out on me, I lost the ability to focus on anything but my writing. I know I need to know how to channel that energy to more than my writing but I can't really help it sometimes. And for the most part, I'm just kind of babbling about nothing right now. I just don't know how much I like being dependent on you when the possibility of things completely changing within the next few years is still there. 

My writing is seriously sucking right now but I have to finish this shit for FJ. 

More on this later, I guess.

--ZelleZ

babblebabblebabblesobsobsobpatheticpatheticpatheticgaaaahhh

Diaries of a dead father.

What happened? Why?

We all knew what was coming. We all knew how this would end. What we never knew was that it would end so badly.

What happened to us? What happened to everything?

I miss us. I miss everything. I miss YOU. What happened to you? Why'd you do this? To her, to us. I miss the times we had. The smiles we shared and the laughter and everything good you brought us when you came around. What happened to that? Why don't you smile anymore? We know what happened. We know what you did...but why'd you do it?

Daddy, I miss our family. I miss my daddy. I miss the days when we were one, we were broken. We were more than broken, but we made the best of it. You used to put on a smile for us. Even when something was going wrong. You don't do that anymore. You made everyone so happy. You even made mom happy. She's scared of you, you know? She's hiding out at Mama Ruby's house because she's scared of you. We understand your unhappiness....BUT WHY THE FUCK DID YOU BRING US INTO IT?!? Why do WE have to cry over the shit YOU caused. Do you not care about us anymore? What happened to the smile you had when we hung out? All of us, together? WHAT THE FUCK HAPPENED? What's in your mind, daddy? We were always the most problematic part of the Amparo clan..

I'm scared now. Don't hurt mom. She didn't do anything but TRY for you. I know well enough that she was happy when we were all together. She always smiled because everyone was having fun...but this time...no one was having fun. The days when you brightened the mood were over...we stopped being happy.

I'm tired of defending you now. I'm tired of everything. I'm tired of seeing you hurt her. I'm tired of all the fights. I'm tired, daddy. I don't know what's going to happen. But we, my sisters and I, need each other. Do whatever the fuck you want. I love you Daddy. Take care of yourselves...so will we.

So after the last few hours, I realized why I stopped writing so much. Or well, stopped coming onto xanga to pour my heart onto the keyboards and just tap tap tap away until I feel better about myself and the rest of the world. That being, that I realized just how big my support system is and it grew. Over the summer it grew and I found people that I can fully trust -- more than the less than handful that I have not been afraid to tell everything to. Throughout most of high school there was always two or three people that I would fully trust and then somehow that would fade and the result was me always coming back to xanga and just spilling it all out here. I would write about everything and nothing and xanga had become a closer friend to me than most of the people of the past years have been -- xanga knows everything that there has ever been to know about me for over 5 years. And suddenly, I don't need it as much. [I'll still be back to update -- just won't be so angsty, prolly]

And it's strange, but heartwarming at the same time to have people so close to me that they know everything that I feel and how to help me feel better. I won't abandon xanga but suddenly I don't have to write as much not because life is great but because the support is. 

And for some reason, I feel closer to the people who have been with me for the past two months than anyone who has been around for pretty much most for the past few years. And I trust them more. And I would rather put my life in THEIR hands than anyone else's. And for some reason I feel like that's going to last for quite a while. Because for the first time since FJ came around, it's not just that people can't get rid of me if they tried...it's because...I don't think I'll be able to get rid of them if I tried...and I somehow doubt I will want to. 

And I guess...I'm going to stop trying so hard to connect with people who aren't even trying to connect with me -- who have stopped coming to me first. Breaks my heart but I'm tired of that being a one-way street. In a sense, that's a test but it's not like it's hard to pass.

-- ZelleZ

This one kinda sucked but oh wellz.

Worth of talking before you left for inventory. You've got about two and a half left before you get off. I'm debating on whether or not to stay up and wait and text you to be safe going home (because I've got loads of energy anyway and I'm getting the munchies) or go to sleep and wake up later. Allen said something about going on base at 7am. D:< It's his birthday so it's up in the air...I dunno. I won't get much sleep and the only way for me to get up to Yigo is to get dropped off by my auntie or have Coyce get me. Hmmmm...?

Anyway, it made my night

PedoBear says (7:58 PM):
*i love you baby
*so much

/sigh.

Maybe that was too intimate...sue me. I really don't care. Ya'll can be as disturbed as you want.

What? It's the first time he's called me that. XD Bear with meeee~!

-- ZelleZ

I was going to write about that statement. I started babbling about things, mostly about how life's been pretty tolerable. I erased it all. There's nothing to write about. And maybe it's just the inability to form anything coherent. My thoughts generally fleet me every time I try to stay on something stable enough. 

Nope, maybe you were right when you said that to me. 

But I miss you so maybe you were wrong. 

Here we go again? 

-- ZelleZ

[Written July 15, 2011]

Okay, so random interruption by a G4S guy. Fuck. Scared the crap out of me as I started to write the date (atop the page of the notebook). He assumed I was studying so I let him. Totally weird. Awesome timing though. 

Earlier I had just been lying down, staring at the sun (through shades of course because I can't damage my eyes anymore than they are). The timing of everything today is impeccable. The sun had started to shine as I walked here to this very spot and is progressively starting to shine brighter. I don't foresee any rain anytime soon, making it all too perfect for me to write. I see this as a nod of approval by God. Yes, I should be here at this moment. That or at least an "okay" but I'd rather have my mindset on the former. White clouds. How nice.

So I sit here in the grass, the thicker grass moistening my jeans with the little rainwater left on the blades. Ants are starting to crawl all over myself and my belongings. I'm not doing much more than pick off the red ones. My hair blows in the wind as do the pages and despite being clad in nothing but my tank top, I do not feel the least bit cold.

It might be the sun shining brightly down on me or it might be from the warmth of all the memories that fill me as I sit here. The very thought of us laughing, rolling in the grass both brings a tear to my eye and a smile to my face. I can feel the love from these moments start to envelope me as I think back to such a time. It is amazing how quickly all of it passed us. Amazing how we felt so much for each other at such a time. Amazing how today, I can still feel all of that for you (if not stronger). Today, I can tell you in full confidence how much I care for you. In those three words that hold so much power as every kiss I've ever offered you. You told me that the reason you love my kisses is because the love you can feel in them. You said they give you that "whoa" feeling which parallels how you felt when you saw me for the first time on prom day (you froze in place). 

It was unplanned -- how I ended up here on this date. I just felt like coming here. I hadn't realized it but on the night of January 15, we came here. Sixth months ago. Half a year ago. It was that very night that for the first time you told me "I love you". It had come so easy, so natural. It felt so right. 

"And I know. It's crazy to think that we've already exchanged the I love you's but it feels right. No hesitation....It felt like I had loved him forever..."

"...I could not be more certain of this feeling. I will never be more certain that I love him. Because the tears are starting to spill out onto my keyboard. And my heart is pounding almost as hard as his does on a regular basis (he has a REALLY strong heartbeat). And my chest is welling up. And I can't imagine not being with him. And I want him to be around me as long as I can."

Sixth months later, I am fully confident that I am still in love with you. And I may be in love with you for quite a length of time. I will not deny that some days I have really regret it. I regret every bit of pain we'd gone through -- every bit I'd gone through. But most days I genuinely smile because I'm so glad to have ever had you. And maybe it's the hope that I'm running on - the feeling that you still love me. I miss you so much. I miss EVERYTHING we had and I miss the potential of the life we could have had together.

You, silly boy, are the one who increases my face value. And well, I don't see that changing anytime soon (and I mean it). I refuse to be sad it's over. I would like to be happy it happened. And hopeful that one day we can actually be together again. Forever.

I love you. I'm still up in the air about letting you go; I just might. And if you come back, I'll know that you were always mine. I'm a big believer of fate and it is actually you who started that.

"And though it's all so different, it's so oddly similar. And I can't help but think that God wanted it this way. All these random occurrences led me to him, like he wanted me to be."

-- ZelleZ

** Excerpts from "Two Years Ago Today, I was Waltzing Into Chamorro Class"

http://jello-girl42.xanga.com/739158782/two-years-ago-today-i-was-waltzing-into-chamorro-class/

Here's the final installment to Fearless, written a few months ago and I've stumbled upon it recently and feel that this still applies. So please enjoy.

And maybe, I'm the fearful one. Maybe I'm just too scared to let go because I feel like I can't be without you. Maybe I'm just the one scared to move on. I'm scared to live without you. I'm scared of you walking out of my life as quickly as you walked in.

Maybe it is YOU who is fearless.

"If I don't need you then why am I crying on my bed?
If I don't need you then why does your name resound in my head?
If you're not for me then why does this distance maim my life?"
If you're not for me then why do I dream of me as your wife?

"We'll make it through and I hope you are the one I share my life with
And that you could be the one I die with
And I pray that you're the one I build my home with
I hope I love you all my life"

Talk about scared. Talk about pathetic. Talk about hopeless.

And I guess it all comes down to which kind of fearless you want to be.

And I'm more scared to be without you than I am of getting hurt. Because the pain is inevitable. What matters is how you face it. And I will face all the pain I need to if it means that I might be with you in the end.

-- ZelleZ

And about half of those days were the most physically and mentally painful days of pretty much the whole year. (I guess) I hadn't thought about February in a while and it still hurts to think about.

Back in February it just didn't occur to me that you'd hurt the way you did. That it'd affect you that way.

"I lost a kid too"

That is when it stung most and that's when it really hit me that I wasn't alone. I was down for weeks, choosing not to to think about it soon after. When Ria thought she was pregnant, it stung me. If she were, I would have been so jealous of her. I cried. For days. You worried about me. For days.

"Don't lie to me if it hurts."

I could hear your voice start to break when you said that to me at Box Seats. I could hear the trembling of your vocal chords as you raised my face to look you in the eye so that you could get the truth out of me. I can still feel the sting of tears in my tear ducts as I watched them trickle down your face. I vaguely remember whimpering that it was nothing to worry about but you shook your head and pulled me closer. It hurt. It really did. And again, it still hurts to think about.

If I were on track, we'd know the sex of the baby by now. The arguments we had over the names of babies Kilowag vs. Xygote would be legitimate. The birthday would be around the the time we started talking -- at the very latest December. I would not be the baby bear.

That Secret Life episode killed me. I wasn't able to have the same attachment but I lost someone just the same before I ever got to know him/her.

Still, there is a place in my heart for this child nonetheless.

-- ZelleZ

P.S. If Cat is pregnant, I'm going to shoot someone.

On Monday at Coffee Beanery, I told Wam that I haven't even come close to finishing it. I had started four sentences of it and had never gotten around to finishing it. He asked me why and I told him that I just didn't feel it. I didn't feel enough emotion to write anything that wouldn't be nonsensical. In spurts of passion, I wrote Love Conquers All beginning to end without hesitation. I sat in front of the computer and let my fingers run over the keyboard and the words spill onto the virtual paper that I'm all too accustomed to seeing. For the past few days, I've been trying to find enough reason to not finish it. I've been trying to figure out why there isn't enough passion to write the Boomerang blog. I've barely come up with anything good.

It would make sense, the Boomerang blog. It would describes one's inability to walk away from someone no matter how mixed the signals s/he would receive from the other end. And it's not necessarily that I don't feel as if it applies, I just don't feel it enough to write about it and maybe I will one day but I can't. It's sort of like how I was supposed to write a short story about a promise ring but I never did. I started and never finished. I lost it, the passion to write about it. I. Just. Can't.

It might be the freshness, the blind fury. It might be the depression of the reality that's stopping me. Or it might be the sheer hope, not necessarily that you'll come back, but hope for something. I don't know what it is exactly. Again, you're all going to have to bear with me. Not necessarily about me chasing after him, because I don't even know if that's going to happen yet. You're just going to have to deal with the fact that whatever decision I make is mine to make and you're either going to have to bear with it or stay out of it. I apologize for that but it's really the only way to deal with it. One thing you all already know is that no matter how many people oppose it, once I'm set on something that decision is final. And nothing in the world could sway me otherwise. So until I figure out how to deal with the situation I'm in, I'm asking you all to stop pushing for me to "get over it" or "just walk away" or "don't deal with it" anymore. Half of you first of all don't know what I feel. And if you do, the one thing you need to remember is that walking away is not easy to do. And you know already that I'm not prone to walking away from anything. And you know that pushing will only lead to my resistance.

So again, bear with me. Let me come to terms with whatever I need to on my own time. And if I hurt, let me hurt. Let me cry. Let me wallow in it. Hold me but don't tell me it's going to be okay. Don't tell me what to do unless I ask for it but I never actually ask for it. I hear what I want to hear. If I'm angry, let me be angry. Try to calm me down so I don't do anything irrational and kick someone. Don't be angry for me because I'll only end up angry at you. And if I end up happy, LET ME BE happy. Smile WITH me, worry on tHe insIde and reMind me of those worries so that I can give you rational reasons not to. And if I don't have any, I promise to find good ones. [ONLY IF I REALLY WANT TO THOUGH]

You're hurting too, aren't you? Why is that? I don't understand. So many questions left unanswered. And it's going to be a while but I'm going to get them answered. I will.

Laying low. Being patient (at least as patient as I'll ever get). Few people think it's worth it. And I'm still debating with myself on whether or not to listen to rationale and disagree with it or listen to the quiet beats and agree.

-- ZelleZ