Written on September 18 2011 [minor edits on posting date]

And sometimes I just can't help but wonder these two words: why me? Sometimes I wonder how it is that it become the two of us. How is it possible that God decided to junk the two of together -- be it for right now or for ever? [Though I'm certain we all know that I'd rather it be the latter]. How is it that I still feel like I'm on top of the world with you? How is it that no matter how drab my day has gotten, just knowing that you are mine [for the most part] keeps it so that nothing can faze me? Why? I just….there are so many things about "us" that perplexes me.

For one is that we lack the amazing story. It's probably one of the lamest get together stories ever. It involves no one chasing after the other for years. It doesn't involve a random encounter at a carnival and running onto the ferris wheel for a date. It doesn't involve cute first dates or a gradual romance. It is almost so awkward -- it's hilarious. 

And the funny thing is that I could probably write it so that it is amazing; I actually have written it so that it's almost amazing. And the funny thing is that it still is a story of someone who just decided to im me and suddenly we're talking every day, every other hour. And suddenly we go on a date (though it was technically just supposed to be a hang out). And suddenly, I'm holding him. And suddenly I'm kissing him. And suddenly I don't want to be not near him. And suddenly I'm wanting to see him every day. And suddenly one day without being near him is too long. And suddenly, I'm loving him. And suddenly I'm making love with him. And suddenly at night, when I'm trying to drift to sleep I can't because he isn't beside me. 

"It's still fucking weird."

"Deal with it. I do."

"Well, I have to." /smile

And it's still so crazy. And it still DOES NOT make any sense. And it's STILL FUCKING WEIRD. But I don't even care enough to think too much about it. When I do, it results in these similar thoughts. And I really do love you. And maybe we might not always be the best to each other. And maybe we'll do stupid things that irritate the other. And maybe we'll get stubborn. And maybe we'll get stupid. And maybe we'll fight just because we can't figure out where the damn macaroni is…or because you won't eat the damn macaroni. 

And it's a journey. And there will no doubt be mistakes along the way (already have been). It ain't going to be perfect. But I don't need perfection. I just need you. And though I still pray that God who gave you to me lets me, I will make damn sure I get to keep you.

Because I really will do anything to ensure that I can have a future with you. [You are part of the reason why I want to take summer classes to get credits out of the way] So that I can be with you every single day of the rest of my life. In whatever home we end up residing in. With my amazingly amazing cow collection and your growing Green Lantern collection. With the friends who [I hope] will still come over every Wednesday. With the children who we'll raise to be polite, gracious, smart, funny, dorky, ambitious and true to themselves; and who we'll make sure to teach how to love. 

And whether you end up leaving us all here to be without you for a few months in November or a little later than that….baby, I miss you already. And maybe it's a little sad and maybe a little pathetic. But I'm far from caring right now. Hurry home, love. I love you. [likeadamnbaws]

-- ZelleZ

Written September 9 2011

This will probably keep me off your wall and I'm much too lazy to go and get my journal right now so I'm going to drabble here. And I'm not so certain what I want to say or how I want to say it but I have this random urge to tell you that I love you right now. I have this random urge to find you and gather you in my arms and breathe in your scent and never let go. And I know I'm not as dependent as I could be; Thank God for that. But I know that I…I know that I wouldn't be doing well without you. And I was thinking seriously earlier about leaving in a few years. And I thought about why I didn't and it was all because of you. I don't regret any bit of it. And right now I'm starting to withdraw it. See, the thing is that I know that I would have every intent to come back. But that might not even happen. I might end up staying for a few years and those are a few years that I probably won't be able to be with you and that would kill me. And I'm starting to take it all back -- everything I had been thinking about. And that's probably the same reason why I didn't go through with the process of finishing the transfer account. That entire plan pretty much sucks and doesn't make sense anyway.

To be honest, I think it's completely worth it that I'm letting myself stay here with you. And there will always be a little part of me wondering where I could have been but I like where I am and will be. It wouldn't ever be enough to be "just in your heart" forever if I'm not beside you the way I want to be. Just more drabble, I guess. Again. 

And I guess it came from your ability to do what you want and still be here with me and I guess it's just that ideally I would leave…but the thing is that when I think about it, it seems almost pointless to leave and then come back. I know I wouldn't come back. That was the plan -- to never come back until I'm at the very least thirty. And I guess now that I'm realizing it…I had so much hope because when I fell in love with you I had every intent to come back…but that was never the plan. Because the plan was to never come back.

And now I'm just realizing that, which is silly because I should have thought about it all a long. And I guess I'm kind of silly sometimes for how I get. And maybe I think you're silly for loving me even though I'm so silly all the time. And maybe everything about our love is silly. And maybe the whole world is silly. But I'm happy. I'm happy to be your silly girl as long as you always stay my stupid boy. 

And I'm determined. Determined to make sure it stays that way.

I love you, my stupid boy.

"I love you too silly girl "

-- ZelleZ

 It's me, not Margaret

Written Monday, September 19 at 4 in the morning after spending hours attempting to sleep

And maybe I've figured out what's been missing. I remember once her telling me when I couldn't put my finger on what bugged me so many years ago: "pray zelly". And it's not that I didn't want to, or ridiculed it. I knew. I knew that it would somehow help me. I always felt more or less better. And I think my strained relationship with Him is finally starting to take a noticeable toll on me. 

And it's not that I want to. It's just that growing up, I was taught a certain way to pray. And it's actually become one of those "I don't know how to pray" kind of times. How amazing is that? I'm completely astonished at myself right now. I guess I never figured I would reach that point in time. And the fact of the matter is I don't know where to go…but I know who to follow. That being God himself. And I trust him to lead me. And I trust myself in Him. I just don't think I can trust myself enough -- that I'm worth leading. 

And I don't mean to strain it the way I have. And I guess the fact of the matter is that not having a church -- not knowing where I belong -- hinders me from having the relationship that I desire with Him. And tonight, the night I couldn't get more than an hour of sleep, I know that I can't even use it as an excuse nor should I have in the first place. Church or not, God is there. And He shall remain to be there and it is my decision to go to Him. And a stupid reason like not having a church to be with shouldn't keep me from doing so. And I can't believe I've been going on like this for so long. 

And I guess there is not much more I can do but to keep believing and prove more that I do. If there's no way right now for me to be with others who share my belief at the very least I'll have my one on ones with God. And hopefully, He can help me to find others who can teach me and how me the way. I know I'm a lost sheep and well, may God be my Shepard. 

Love,

-- ZelleZ

[On a random note, it may be just fear on the matter that I find difficult to really explain]

I have a few blogs that I still need to put up, sitting in my documents folder just waiting to be proofread and posted. So just sit back and chill and wait for the xanga feed to flood.

-- ZelleZ

I thought about it thoroughly and I won't tolerate you yelling at me so irrationally over something so stupid. And I won't tolerate you treating the situation or me the way that you have been. And I will not tolerate the things that you said to me. And to be perfectly honest, I figured that by now you would know better than to act the same way that you despise so much in our own bloodline. However, if you choose to be the way you have been over this, then so be it. 

And I will not cry for you anymore. Sue me for thinking it's bad that you two don't trust each other. Sue me for caring about you the way that you don't care about me -- that's cool, fine. Coyce was right to me last night about the few things he said to me last night.

One was that everyone is spoiled -- for different reasons. I, however, was one of the lucky ones that's been spoiled in two ways: materially and lovingly. And I'm spoiled but I'm not even close to ungrateful and if you knew me at all you'd know that. If you knew me the way you're supposed to, you'd know that my teen angst days against disappeared around 17. And maybe I'll forever hold against her the way she treats mom and how she makes it hard to trust her sometimes but she has been my provider. And I don't always thank her but that doesn't make me ungrateful -- it makes me ashamed of who I've been. And obviously, stubborn.

The second is that I have more than one family. And in the end, it's not going to matter who your blood relations are if they don't treat you the way that they should. It matters who connects with you in the best ways possible and I'm fully aware of that. I know who I can and cannot trust and unfortunately you've started to become lower and lower on that list. And it's become one of the saddest things to say that I've found something thicker than the blood shared between us.

So I will let you have whatever way that you want. I will withdraw myself from family functions so that Sophia can get to be adored by our family the way that beautiful baby girl deserves to be. This sacrifice I will make for the amazing sister I grew to love -- whom I used to know and who used to know me. You're my sister and no matter what, I will always love you and I will always defend you no matter how bad you get; I always have been. 

I will not come out to you and apologize for the nothing that I've done wrong. But if you decide that you no longer want to hold the stupid grudge that I know you will, I will always be waiting here for you -- to always be standing by your side no matter what.

Love forever,

-- ZelleZ

Got better, then got worse. And in the end I was just thankful that you were there for me throughout the night, listening to me cry while you couldn’t physically be here. And that I was blessed with the people that I have been.

“There are so many people who love you. And I’m one of them.”

It’s hard sometimes to see why so many people choose to stick around me — apparently because of love. Especially when the people who should love you unconditionally never do anything to show you that they do. And in fact, they do the exact opposites. And it became one of those nights that I had to realize that there’s some sort of crazy reason that I’ve yet to discover. 

“You have more than one family, love. And they will always be there for you no matter what.”

And I’ve never known how to fix the picture frame of our family portrait that keeps breaking. And I won’t doubt that it never will, though I will always hope that it will. But if there’s anything I know it’s that I make sure to teach my children how to love, especially each other. Something I was never able to learn that properly with my own blood relations but I’m happy that I did with so much help from my second family and of course, you.

"Our kids will love each other no matter what"

"Agreed" 

--ZelleZ

Prepare for a whole lot of drabble because this almost doesn't end.

I'm not exactly sure what it is but I just don't want to sleep. I've done nothing but fiddle around on Chrysalis for the last half hour. Before that, I had been just playing the Sims. I guess for the past few hours I'd done nothing but return to that paranoid state. I'm glad it's stopped coming so often but there's a part of me that's tugging at my heart -- that part that feels slightly neglected even though I don't have much of a reason to. I don't think I do really. And it's still there. But it's a process. Part of the reason I stopped blogging so often is because I fear that my audience will jump at any chance to tell me that I shouldn't be with you. There's that part of me that never wants to let anyone know of anything trivial purely because I fear that they might blow it out so out of proportion it's unnecessary. 

My main readers have never been in a relationship before. There's something they all need to learn about that: they need that time to grow. There are few that should be nipped at the bud because it's all wrong in the right places -- those are the ones that just will not in any circumstance work out. There are the ones that are right in all the wrong places but you try anyway -- you try so hard it makes you cry and then you eventually realize that it was never going to work out anyway and it exasperates you. And then there are the ones that are so perfectly perfect it scares the living shit out of you because it's so perfect it HAS to end badly so you try and look for any reason at all wrong with it -- and you just sort of submerge yourself in that one reason to give yourself any reason to get out of it. That's the relationship you will regret the rest of your life wondering why you didn't give it a try.

That's the reason why I stuck around. Yes, so he ran away. So he was scared. And I'm just reiterating this for the big picture. Fact of the matter is that if I let him get away or vice versa, I'm certain the both of us would have walked on for the next few years thinking about it. The relationship that never had a chance to live -- to grow. I wouldn't know if we'd ever have a big argument. Or how his parents are like. Or whether or not I'd have myself some part-Irish babies in the future. I think this is me letting you (readers) know that even if I complain about anything here....it doesn't mean I'm going to ditch. It doesn't mean it eventually won't get fixed. I mean, there's currently nothing bothering me enough to have to need fixing. Little things, big picture. Ya get?

And so maybe you're the one waiting for the absolute right person to come along -- you haven't found anyone remotely interesting enough to give it a shot with. Good for you. And I can't wait for that person to come along for you. Or maybe you were the one who just never put forward any effort -- caring more about the other person than yourself. I hope you eventually find the person who makes you selfish enough to fight for it. Or maybe you're the scared one. Don't be. Like Allen likes to say to me "this isn't a fucking fairy tale".  So few are so lucky enough to find that on the first shot. But that doesn't mean you won't happen. Every second you waste living in fear is a second of life you will never get back. Don't waste the few seconds that you have. You do never know that it'll work out.

And that's the scariest part of it -- not knowing. And I have never feared losing someone as much as I fear losing Coyce. This is where the "Fear is the heart of love" conversation started with Sal. I don't know what will happen in the future. He might walk out again, the love might die, any circumstance could possibly tear us apart, the very same fate that I feel brought us together. And the problem is that I'm fully aware of how much it will rip my heart apart -- anything that could potentially end our relationship. I know already that it would render me almost incapable of function. Harrel told me that it should hurt less with each time but I know that should there be a last time, it would hurt the most. All these fears are what knock at my door once in a while, begging me to walk out. But see, I stay in because of the hope that assures me that it could happen. The part of fate that I feel like will keep us together -- the part that keeps me strong.

And it's funny because even though I know it'll wreck me...there's that part of me that feels like even if we separate again....we'll end up together again.

Because I feel like in the end, he will be the one I think of before I die. The one true love I feel like I'll hold in my heart forever. And even if for some reason you don't end up being in my future, I will regret that you weren't. [fragments & P.O.V. switches mostly due to the tears running down my cheeks] If for some reason you wouldn't be the one at the altar, I'll be wishing for you there. That I'll be wishing was with me at night. And maybe it'll end up stored in the back of my mind. But I'd still think of you. And every time I do, it'd tear me up inside knowing that you aren't with me. Because there will always be a big part of me, my heart, that thinks -- knows -- that you are the one. And there will always be a big part of me that will always belong to you. 

And those are the very same reasons I have to remind myself not to psych myself out. Those are the same reasons that stabilize my brain. And this is so long because I've done nothing but keep this held in for so long. And part of the problem is that tendency to sometimes think too far ahead.

But like I've told Megan and Coyce, when I was with Jeremy I jumped straight to the future. When I think of a future with Coyce, I imagine every path we'll take getting there. And though I am capable of doing so, I don't even imagine that future. I want to live it. He keeps me grounded in the present -- something that has interestingly enough, never happened to me before. And I like being able to appreciate what we have now. I like living in the growing love between us. I like sharing bacon at Denny's on our Eighth Month Anniversary because I'm broke and you're borderline. It helps me to ensure that it will get taken care of; those goals will be taken care of now so that we can eventually get there. And I'm certain we'll get there. [And it does make me smile when we talk about the potential for those rare and brief moments.]

And while part of me still hates you for not wanting to try and be with me while I was leaving, I'm pleased that it turned out this way -- the fruits wouldn't have happened otherwise. With you, came so many blessings that make everything so surreal. I have never felt so incredibly and unconditionally loved by so many people before. And I you may have not left yet, but I'm already waiting for your return with open and loving arms.

Words cannot even explain how much I am completely head over heels in love with you. And that is why this blog is so fucking long.

-- ZelleZ

For some reason, your friend Von (whom I have never met) was there. It was you, Auston, and Von in the livingroom. Megan and I were in my room with Gelyn and Cyrille. Cryille needed clothes and was guiltily looking through my drawers and I kept reassuring her it was no big deal. I gave Gelyn some stuff that was hers and Megan and myself just kept talking away. For some reason, I was clad in nothing but the jacket you left with me. You came in the room and shortly left but didn't close the door. I got upset because Cyrille was changing and you left the door wide open. You sat on the couch and I told you to close the door but by then you were already too lazy to come back and close it. So I came outside and snapped at you. Then we started arguing, except you were much calmer about it than I was. I was yelling my face off the way I usually yell at people when I've reached the edge. You stated that I'm starting to piss you off and I told you that I didn't care and to get pissed off. So we started arguing some more and then you said that I don't listen to you and then I ask when I don't listen to you and then I woke up. 

I wonder what it means. Either way, I decided to document this because I'm still waiting for us to argue about something -- anything. Not so that I can give any reason for us to not be together. But because then I'd know if shit hit the fan, I'll know how we'll deal with it. That will tell me how well we'll be together and how long we can stay together. It would confirm pretty much everything for me. Not everything is going to be dandy, like I've said before. And I'm not looking for every day arguments about dumb things that would make us not trust each other. I'm talking about once in a while arguments about something completely serious or something totally trivial -- like why he didn't close the door before he left the room -- that would end up with us laughing in the end of why we were arguing in the first place. But for some reason the I doubt the latter will ever happen purely because you tend to deal with my rage, which pleases me. 

-- ZelleZ

Basically, I'm just here killing time as per usual when I have nothing else to do. I'm certain there MUST be something else that could occupy my time. But no, I like to write so I will. Why am I even justifying my actions here? Have I ever? Probably but this is the one thing I should never have to justify to you guys. Again, I sit just running my fingers over the keyboard writing about absolutely nothing. I have about an hour before my next class and about half an hour before our reservation for this room is over...I think. Angie and Ryan are talking about some assignment they have, analyzing the meaning of the story on a napkin... Sal's trying to keep Megz here but she has a class to go to. I only assume that he's going to get awfully bored here. He's getting rather antsy and I wonder if he'll actually stop talking. He's still talking. No. No he is not. My abdomen currently pains me. I'm incredibly thankful for the sleep I amount of sleep I got last night -- 8 hours more or less. Megan is now leaving the perimeter. Angie's babbling again. Sal, the princess, is trying to get some shut-eye.

Apparently I'm irritable? I don't feel it but apparently I'm just acting that way and I'm thinking that Angie isn't appreciating it. Sorry Ange. I dunno. There are a lot of things on my mind, I guess. No, I know that there are a lot of things are my mind. Keep me sane, please? That little bit of paranoia has resurfaced since Monday night, when you told me that I started to irritate you the night before. "Don't worry about it. I was just having a bad day." And I had started to sense it, which is why I called you that night to say goodnight. I'm fine with that -- the honesty. And that night, the whole conversation is totally over to leave in the past. I'm feeling a few things about that conversation. One of them, is of course paranoia that you're going to hold these little things against me. The guilt's lingering a little even though it's not necessarily my fault but that's how it usually goes. I'm slightly scared that it'll eventually going to blow up into something bigger. Scared out of my mind that everything I do is going to start to annoy you, which you think is completely silly of me. That's when I have to keep telling myself that you aren't Jeremy. That you are nothing like him. I have to learn how to forget that. Hours later: "I really did feel like shit." "I know." I just felt bad about it for quite a while. And when I feel like I've completely screwed up, I can't help but linger on it for the longest time. And so hours later, I had to bring it up because I was still thinking about it. "Relax. That's in the past. The past is the past. What matters is what's happening now. And that's being here with me holding you." This is where I start to drop the thoughts of that night. Feeling two is the relief that you didn't hide it from me. It's just the fact that for the longest time, you would never tell me if something's bothering you. And now I know that you won't not tell me. I'm scared that you're not going to tell me sometimes. It's so fucking scary, still.

The safety is scaring the shit out of me. It tempts me so much to run away from you. I can't help but feel this way but I know I won't run away unless you're running with me. 

-- ZelleZ

P.S. How lame was that?

So I am currently weighing out all the options for the situation that keeps looming over our heads, which you're still refusing to address. I guess it's to keep myself from freaking out but I don't feel as if I have much of a choice. August is about to pass and I feel as if I have waited too long to even think about this. Am I supposed to ignore it until it becomes an actual problem? I guess, either way this becomes a problem. The timing seriously sucks. I am taking this as a confirmation that this was eventually supposed to happen. Allen was right that one night so many months ago. I am not confirming nor denying exactly but this is the only way to actually get this out in the safest way possible. This can't be ignored forever -- that is for sure. This WOULD have happened eventually, I am certain of it. I just really didn't want it to be now. A few years from now would have been fine.

I would have liked the time for us to really be together before it. I would have liked to assess our relationship. I wanted us to really have one -- at least more than the one that we have now. The hopes of that are starting to shoot out the window. We should have talked about everything we should have when we had that chance...and well, made decisions based on it. And we might not anymore if this is really happening. There is no way to stop it if it is, no way that I like anyway.

And so I have to come to terms with this and sigh and breathe and plan out how I would have to live life from here. I prefer that all plans involve you. Again, I refuse to ignore this any longer. We need to talk. Sigh. Which should have happened around two weeks ago, when the problem started to show face.

Are my readers following yet?

-- ZelleZ