"Great. Just killed my day."

"Same. Fuck."

"I'm so sad now"

"You aren't the only one"

Rzelle says: (8:19:48 PM)I was supposed to meet the boy's family today but he canceled on that because he had tons and tons of errands to run [he's just getting home now] and he was supra tired due to causes. Of course I expressed how upset I was and to my knowledge, he was also upset by it; said something about hating the holidays.  

Rzelle says: (8:20:05 PM)But I, could not help but just...flip out

nʎɐʎ says: (8:20:30 PM)Towards what cause?

Rzelle says: (8:23:46 PM)Perhaps the answer is just as shallow as I think it is: I was super excited to finally meet them and then my heart just broke when I couldn't?

nʎɐʎ says: (8:24:06 PM)And how badly did you flip out?

Rzelle says: (8:25:33 PM)Badly enough that I almost made the decision to hold on to everyone's gifts for a week and again, go under a rock for the weekend. 

Rzelle says: (8:29:58 PM)Think I figured it out

nʎɐʎ says: (8:30:04 PM)Oh?

Rzelle says: (8:31:20 PM)Well I guess over the stressing out about everything, I started waving between highs and lows in regards to the boy. Highs from every time he's come and done something nice for me and the lows from thinking about the last twelve months and how frustrated I had been with him

Rzelle says: (8:41:36 PM) At him canceling on going to watch the play, I reached the low and went on with this "He probably doesn't even want to see me this holiday season" mentality. 

nʎɐʎ says: (8:45:23 PM)I'm sure he has a better mind than that.

nʎɐʎ says: (8:45:55 PM)It'd be like saying Superman sucks all over, greatly ignoring what he represents.

Rzelle says: (8:55:58 PM)He probably does considering he has the tendency to slap me — literally or figuratively depending — every time I've got a "crazy" notion in my head

nʎɐʎ says: (8:57:31 PM)Situational regulation, don't think he'd set any emotion behind the implied thought

So after all those emotions from earlier spilled and were done with and I had figured out where it was all coming from, I let him know I was feeling better. And I was. And now I am. Especially since I didn't have to be the one to ask if I was going tomorrow. 

I'll meet them soon, I will. I'm okay. I love him. And yeah, he's stupid but I love him. And I'm excited to be there with them and him tomorrow night. 

"I don't drive"

"Don't give me that. I'll fucking come get you."

I'm not going to and never will say that we don't have problems or that he doesn't suck sometimes or that I don't get a little too expectant....or that I haven't been a bit of an asshole lately just because I didn't want to get too attached. But I won't ever say that I'm going to just give up on him while we still love each other. This is just the beginning. 

Especially since this is the same guy who told me that his phone bill for the last month was more than $100 and decided to get a new phone contract rather than control our phone usages.

"But, but, but it's monneeyyyyy"

"Money has to be spent eventually. Don't worry about it."

Also the same guy who dropped off my present early last week to make me feel better about the stress. Merry Almost Christmas, folks. 

-- ZelleZ

Will we cross paths somewhere else tonight?
Somewhere else tonight

I am obviously stressing out. Slept not too long after you said goodnight and I woke up at least half an hour ago. Part of the inability to go back to sleep is my current freak out over potentially failing my math class.

The other part, which takes up majority of my brain right now, is the obvious stress from being the girlfriend of a man who is going to enlist in the military. I hate you right now. 

I spent the last few hours researching on the military and occupations and all that nonsense — nonsense that I didn't care about one year ago today.

Think I understand why one year ago today you thought you wouldn't want to enlist if you found someone you thought you'd like to spend the rest of your life with — which parallels me saying I wouldn't stay for anyone a year ago.

Last night I had a dream that we broke things off because you were enlisting in the army. Neither of us believed that things would work out between the two of us while you were stationed elsewhere. 

Last Sunday when I started crying it was not just because you're leaving me but because I don't even think we'll make it through. I keep saying that now, huh? I guess it's my new mantra: SCREW EVERYTHING, SHIT WON'T WORK. I feel like all I've been doing lately is giving myself every fucking reason why we just won't last and why I should feel stupid and irresponsible for my future.

But the problem isn't anything that even relates to us. It's because I just don't think you'll let it. You have an obvious tendency to let just about anything in the world get in between us. And I can and probably will argue about this for days until I finally give it a rest, but Coyce ALWAYS fucking has his way and you know it. Hell, you've even acknowledged it before. But maybe that's all about us; you just won't let me have my two cents so why bother? 

I mean, I can name several reasons why this relationship could possibly just not work. Giving up was never intended to be one of them but what's the point anymore? What reasons do I have to have faith in you? What's stopped you before from just walking away from us? Why should I not to the same?

I just feel like I would have wasted a whole year to putting up with your shit just so we could end things a year later....for like the same shit. So it's the same shit. If you wouldn't want to try a year ago, then why should I think that you'll want to a year later. All I want is another year, not an "I can't handle this".

But that's the thing. Once this conversation happens, if you say that you won't try then there's no point in staying even if the Guard has availability where you want it. If you can't promise me that no matter what happens we will try to make it work until we can't anymore, then there really is no point to stick around. Because you just obviously don't love me enough...FUCKING SHIT IF I CAN STRESS OUT OVER YOU FOR NOTHING FOR A YEAR THEN I CAN TOTALLY DO IT FOR SOMETHING FOR AT LEAST ANOTHER YEAR. 

And I'll never understand why you'd be so adamant still even after half the people we know are working long distance relationships. And maybe they won't work. But I know they won't give up until it's obvious that it can't. And unless you can do that for me, then I can't do anything for you. 

And I can’t tell if you’re laughing
Between each smile there’s a tear in your eye
There’s a train leaving town in an hour
It’s not waiting for you and neither am I

If that happens I leave anyway and I promise not to let anyone near me just so that I can. 

So if there is no Guard, there is no us.

I'm pretty certain that's how the conversation will go. Maybe you have the tendency to spin things around lately but I'm not going to get my hopes up for anything just yet.

-- ZelleZ

Salvador asked me last night how a relationship based on no trust and so much anger lasted for almost three years. I told him if anything it was more of a safety blanket, that relationship. It was safe because we knew each other and we had been together for so long. So why not? And in a sense, it was so ideal because we had been together for so long and if we last the rest of our lives we would end up beating all of the odds.  

And then there was the sense of control that he had over me. Always threatening to leave me and I never wanted to be abandoned by the security blanket that was my relationship, no matter how ugly or unhealthy the effects would be. 

The drugs begin to peak
A smile of joy arrives in me
But sedation changes to panic and nausea
And breath starts to shorten
And heartbeats pound softer

Like heroine. I shot you up every day and felt the effects start to kick in. I calmed myself, was able to find a sense of relaxation. It was soothing. It was safe. An addiction. Withdrawal effects. Irritation. Unhappiness. Anger. You held out your hand, invited me in and I took it. You kept me under control. You made me believe that I couldn't go on without you. You gave me every shitty reason to want you and I still wanted you. You made me believe that I needed you. 

But under your covers more torture than pleasure
And just past your lips there's more anger than laughter

I thought of you when I heard this song in the morning. And perhaps I always will. Perhaps I'll always hear you singing this song to me, my tears stinging because of how you always thought this as a message to me. Those nights we would fight and we wouldn't say anything to each other. You'd whip out your guitar and sing all the bitter songs you felt applied to me. And I'd cry because I knew. I knew that you sang those words directly to me. And I felt them. And I felt them apply to me. 

I ended up feeling like the most detrimental object of your life.

I was angry. I was an angry teenager who had evolved from an angry preteen from an angry child. And I will not deny how angry and how tense you made me. How for 95% of the time we were together, we were always angry at each other. Finding reasons for the other to feel like the shittiest person on the planet. Finding reasons to prove our superiority over the other. Finding reasons to prove that the other was worthless, worthless without ourselves 

It's funny how over a year later, I still hear this song and think of you. I think of how badly terrible to each other. In a sense, I suppose we were the other's heroine. But I think of how much I tried so hard to make you happy. How I surrounded myself with you and accommodated to your every whim as best as I possibly could. How I really did make you my world. 

And you betrayed me. In so many more ways than one. With your lies. And your hurt. You took me and you tore at me until there was almost nothing left. 

And it took every ounce of my being to get up and walk away from this addiction. To deal with the withdrawal. The pain. The hurt. The anger. The sadness. In the hopes of being able to see the bright light and maybe lead a life for the better. 

I saved myself. 

Or maybe he did. 

Perhaps I've found a healthy addiction. Like cultivating a flower garden. Like finding a seed and giving it a home in the ground. Giving food. Giving water. Giving time. Giving life. Giving love. For it to blossom into something lasting and beautiful. 

-- ZelleZ

And it's three am and I had texted you to call me in the morning so I can talk to you. And I guess it's mostly just to assure myself that I'm not in the wrong. That I'm not insane. Because I'm feeling bad because...I'm not feeling bad. Wtf? The dillyo?

Well the after party took place at Zen and we didn't leave until two. Edgar took a shitload of pictures and the hot topic for everyone with me tonight was the fact that boyfriend was not freaking out about who or where I might be with. You never have so I shrugged it off. I love boyfriend. Boyfriend loves me. I trust boyfriend. Boyfriend trusts me. The only way this gets messed up is if someone withholds some sort of crucial information. And Tiff was right: we are still babies. We're still young and we've got a long way to go and a lot of time to learn and grow. And we both know that and we both understand that this may not work out, despite how we feel now. But I think we've reached enough understanding with each other to kind of people to play by ear how things shall work from here. I don't think anyone understands that if you really love and trust someone you will learn to trust that person to do you no wrong or enough to learn from any wrong. You see me trusting here -- that he won't randomly abandon me again?

And I know he shouldn't flip out if he sees a picture of Kevin kissing my cheek. It was all for the cameras and the sake of appeasing the rest of the staff who was there. And I made fucking sure no lines were crossed. Because I know that to me, Kevin's cheek-kiss meant absolutely nothing. I barely even remember it. Lmao. If that's supposed to be good or bad or whatever. I mean I returned with kissing the side of his glasses frames...like no contact. Lmao. It was supposed to be his cheek but I got away with the piece of plastic that wasn't even touching his skin. And I really didn't feel bad until Pauly flipping out to me about it.

"Honey, do you really have a boyfriend?"Z
"Yeh."
"You know these are going on facebook right?"
"Okay."
"Oh honey....oh no..."
"Pauly...don't worry about it, really?"

And the question I end up asking myself is whether or not I should be flipping out. So I reversed the roles for a second and thought about you and someone kissing your cheek in a picture. And well, I decided that as long as I already knew about it -- you didn't hide it from me and I haven't known you to hide interactions with girls from me. And you better not have fucking started. And yes, maybe it would bug me. But I'm territorial. I hate people on my territory in the bluntest way to put it. But I wouldn't make it a problem unless it needed to be. Because I trust you and your ability to control yourself and what's going on around you.

Today I realized that if I hear from you that you have eyes for me only then you do and vice versa because in that sense, we are one in the same. You've had a lot of close girl friends and I've had a lot of close guy friends. And like that we should know already not to jump to conclusions. And this was me reassuring myself that I had every right not to freak out like you shouldn't. Unless you will? I really don't know but I really don't expect you to at all. Hmm. 

-- ZelleZ

Just to clarify, I wasn’t crying because Bam was right. I was just crying. Something one needs to understand is that my emotions run extremely high so I cry for pretty much everything; I have cried over flies being swatted. I cried because I was happy that everyone takes the time to make sure I never feel under appreciated. He was right about the fact that I often put myself down because I never feel important enough to other people. However, if anyone has been paying attention at all, I’ve been teaching myself to remember that I must have all these wonderful people and things for a reason; there must be something good about me to have been blessed with so much. 

I understand why people would want to cry after a death, trust me. And I often cry over someone lost in any sense of the word. But I need you all to understand why I don’t want you to and it’s not because I don’t feel important enough.

A few years ago, I wrote about my ultimate wish. And that would be to have everyone on the planet to be happy, to smile — even if only for a split second. And I know how incredibly impossible that is so I’ve made it a goal to try and have everyone I know always feel that way. I feel that everyone should feel happy, loved and appreciated which is why I make it a point to try do so.

My dear Angeline, do you remember a few days after we first met? How I sang a song to you in the efforts to make you smile? Did you smile? This is the reason why I do these things. If people around me laugh and smile and feel happy, I know that I’m doing my job right. I know that my role is being fulfilled and that’s all I could really ask for. 

I know you will feel sad and I appreciate that so much. But the reason why I don’t want you to cry is because I want you guys to smile. I want you to be happy that I was there in the first place and remember all the silly things I used to do for you to make you smile. Even if you have to cry a little while doing so, send me away with smiles. Because that will tell me that I’ve for sure done my job right. And I promise as long as you are, I will always be smiling with you.

-- ZelleZ

...is the part when we say we're in love. And the part where we have our first kiss.

It all seems so long ago -- the day that you literally changed my life, my world. It's amazing that in less than a year, you find your way into me and my heart and turn my world around in more good ways than one. One year ago, I would have never expected almost every detail of my life to have changed so drastically. And I know exactly who and where I was one year ago. 

Around this time, a year ago we were shooting Love Your Mother for the Young Arts scholarship. It was a rather stressful period because I had to half-ass everything and in the end, was not completely satisfied with it. I was also way in the hype of school, trying to balance all four of my honors/AP classes. (I would like to do a remake) While shooting Love Your Mother, I had a whole different set of friends than I do right now. The people who I saw often, hung out with often were definitely not the same as they are now. Chances are, doing a remake wouldn't even involve the same people. Another thing I remember during filming is wasting almost an hour of precious time I could have been using wisely...to fight with Jeremy. I'd also been spending a lot of time with my siblings and Soap, going out at least once a week somewhere. To add, Stephen was featured in LYM. 

And even with the current situation with my older sister and myself, I can honestly say that I'm glad that things have changed since then. One year later, I'm still working my way up the ladder in the film industry. However, I've ended up going local. I'm no longer trying to find easier ways (via scholarship) to pay for a stateside school like I was a year ago. I'm home, still. One year later, I'm having weekly Wednesday tea parties with a group of friends I didn't know a year ago. One year later, I'm in love with a person who I barely spoke to a year ago. One year later I'm thinking good things about myself. And I am satisfied that my life is having a lot of good notes and going somewhere. 

You want to know the amazing part of that? You. HE as well as you have given all of this to me. HE blessed me with you. And along with you came everything that makes me happy today. Including the loving second family who know take every second to cherish. And I really feel like everything just sort of fell into place when you came along.  Somehow you became the one person I'd stay home for. Somehow, everything just started to magically fit together and move in the right direction. And I know that if I go back and trace back to a sort of butterfly effect...it all would have been different if not for you -- for us deciding to randomly experiment the one night when my internet fluctuated.

"Thank you"

"For What"

"Everything"

"Thank you too" /kiss

"A lot of shit would be different if it weren't for you"

"That's true"

"So I'm thanking you."

/kiss "Anytime love" 

This is the part when we say we're in love. And the part where we say it's forever.

"Thinking about how our future's going to be"

Together? "Okay, I'm going to assume..."

"Don't need to. I am thinking about that."

"Really...?? You want it?"

"Of course, silly bean"

I not once have detailed any sort of future with you. Again, I want to live it not imagine it. I'm all for spending the rest of my life with you. Yes, it'd take some time to get there. Family matters need to be sorted out. Careers and income need to be permanently established. An eventual form of shelter, be it a tent or actual home, would need to be found. But I'm all for waiting because I know that it'd be well worth it.

It'd be worth being able to have so much access to you -- every day. It'd be worth seeing you smile every day. It'd be worth listening to music together and just talking and relaxing. It'd be worth staying up all night watching movies because we can't sleep. It'd be worth coming home to you. It'd be worth being able to hear you say "I love you" in person and being able to breathe your scent in on a regular basis.  It'd be worth waking up to your ugly face in the morning and having your breathing lull me to sleep at night. It'd be worth being able to call myself your misses.... It'd be worth seeing our kids run around like the little monsters I know they would be; I know they'd be damn good looking too. And we'd teach them all we could about the world in the most honest ways possible. And then we'd grow old and maybe jokingly argue about petty stuff and probably stuff that didn't even happen. 

But this ain't a fantasy...I know you can't come with me. You've got your life....

"I'm young."

"I'm young too." 

"I just...it scares me so much. ANYTHING could happen between then and now!"

"You know what your problem is? You think too much about the future. I admit that it's in the back of my mind. We have to enjoy what's happening right now. And that's being here together."

And as much as I want you for the rest of my life, I know already that there's still the chance that it may not happen. And it's unbelievably hard, you know? To not think about your future with someone when you know how much you want it. It isn't too often but it'll drift into my consciousness once in a while.

And a good portion of the time, it's about the fact that you might not be there. The idea of not having you anymore. And it tears me apart when I have to think about it. And maybe it's because change is scary but I know that I don't know if I'd like it. It's just that I know I don't want you out of my life at all -- together or not. But I know that I even more can't stand the idea of not being able to hold you. Being able to kiss you or make love to you (not that that really matters). Or being able to hear "I love you" when I know I need to hear it. I already can't stand not having you by my side at night when I sleep; what more if it's for the rest of my life?

But I have to think about it sometimes.

Because in a sense I know have I'd have to be prepared for that but I don't want to have to. We may end up living lives even moreso separate than we had been beforehand.

The sad truth is that I might not be able to keep you. I want to. So much. 

Ultimately, you're going to stop being my boyfriend somehow -- take your pick at an ending. 

-- ZelleZ

P.S. You're not ugly in the morning or at all. You're so amazingly attractive that it melts my heart to look at you sometimes.

I’m brought back to that night. The camera being snatched from my hand and I’m dragged over to the table where you sat. My shoes kept getting caught in my dress as you led me to the dance floor, causing me to almost stumble over a little with each step if not for you there. 

My heart was welling up as you held me close, almost as if trying to mesh our bodies together into one. And I could barely fathom the thoughts and emotions that started racing through the entirety of my body — primarily brain and heart.  Tears rolling down my face, understanding all the words that weren’t being spoken. My knees almost buckling as soon as the first words were.  

To this day you still leave in awe; the whole idea of “us” in general does that. And my heart still flutters when you walk through the door every Wednesday. And I still cry every time you hold me. And my knees still buckle a little when you tell me you love me.

And I am still genuinely amazed that it’s yet to falter. In fact, it’s doing just the opposite. 

-- ZelleZ

[taken from my Tumblr. Prolly will edit]

Written September 20 2011, around Gears Launch time

"Just another one of those days."

That was the kind of day I had. No reason, nothing to really tell me what was wrong with the world. But something was off. For some reason, everything was just completely off balance to me. And my emotions start to run out of whack. And suddenly I'm doing crazy things like breaking down out of nowhere, refusing to want to go to D&D sessions and then walking in the pouring rain to get ginger ale that I haven't even really drunk out of yet. And to top it all of, the one person I'd hope would bring my mood up doesn't. And walks away from the entire scene before I can even go back to it. 

So what choice have I left but to break down on the way home? What choice do I have but to feel even worse than I already was? Of course this time with reason. So finally after an hour of absolutely nothing being said, I can't hold it in anymore. Things were said, stuff was talked about and the amazing part? It's….over. 

Not as in "it" is over. As in, we talked (texted rather, hello GOW3 launch) about it and interestingly enough, it was "just one of those days". And I know that I have them and I usually get over them. But apparently when it happens to him, the effect it has on me makes how I feel worse when we're feeling the same thing, you get? And to be honest, I really had no reason to feel bad until after the encounter or rather lack thereof at Pay Less. And maybe I'm getting a little bit incoherent because noone else can understand what happened -- noone else was part of this whole scenario. 

To cut it short, he knew what happened. I knew what happened. He knew that he had no real excuses to act the way he did. I made him make sure that he at least try to avoid this happening again. And I promised that I will never hide it from him again if I'm upset, whether or not there's a reason, as long as he promised too. So we did. And maybe that doesn't seem like enough? And maybe actions do speak louder than words. But really, we WILL just have to wait and see.

And this kind of excites me in the sense that we reached the compromise. I've never reached a compromise before, in all seriousness. And I think it's a step in the right direction, am I wrong? Cat said to me that communication is key, that we need it to grow. And she pretty much quoted me on it. It's something I myself say to people all the time. That communicating well is really the only way that good things can be made from two people in a relationship. And though I knew myself we needed it, I was scared out of my mind wasn't I? Because I've never had it before.

And still, the thought that we talked this out freaks me the fuck out. The safety is so scary. There is so much more that xanga has yet to see of what thoughts have passed me because I'm scared of the safety suddenly being gone. Because I've never felt so safe before that it's releasing the insecure feelings. Is that ironic or what? 

But again, I just…am unbelievably excited to see what else is in store for us. Because, this is growth isn't it? "And maybe we might not always be the best to each other. And maybe we'll do stupid things that irritate the other. And maybe we'll get stubborn. And maybe we'll get stupid. And maybe we'll fight just because we can't figure out where the damn macaroni is…or because you won't eat the damn macaroni [because of the cheese]." 

"And it's a journey. And there will no doubt be mistakes along the way (already have been). It ain't going to be perfect. But I don't need perfection. I just need you."

Again, it is long, difficult and quite treacherous…but like I've said before, I will do anything to make sure than whenever we get there I get there with you. I want to be there with you in the end, Coyce. I will make damn sure to try.  

-- ZelleZ