December 23, 2011
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Plan's cancelled? Yup. Gonna kill him.
"Great. Just killed my day."
"Same. Fuck."
"I'm so sad now"
"You aren't the only one"
Rzelle says: (8:19:48 PM)I was supposed to meet the boy's family today but he canceled on that because he had tons and tons of errands to run [he's just getting home now] and he was supra tired due to causes. Of course I expressed how upset I was and to my knowledge, he was also upset by it; said something about hating the holidays.
Rzelle says: (8:20:05 PM)But I, could not help but just...flip out
nʎɐʎ says: (8:20:30 PM)Towards what cause?
Rzelle says: (8:23:46 PM)Perhaps the answer is just as shallow as I think it is: I was super excited to finally meet them and then my heart just broke when I couldn't?
nʎɐʎ says: (8:24:06 PM)And how badly did you flip out?
Rzelle says: (8:25:33 PM)Badly enough that I almost made the decision to hold on to everyone's gifts for a week and again, go under a rock for the weekend.
Rzelle says: (8:29:58 PM)Think I figured it out
nʎɐʎ says: (8:30:04 PM)Oh?
Rzelle says: (8:31:20 PM)Well I guess over the stressing out about everything, I started waving between highs and lows in regards to the boy. Highs from every time he's come and done something nice for me and the lows from thinking about the last twelve months and how frustrated I had been with him
Rzelle says: (8:41:36 PM) At him canceling on going to watch the play, I reached the low and went on with this "He probably doesn't even want to see me this holiday season" mentality.
nʎɐʎ says: (8:45:23 PM)I'm sure he has a better mind than that.
nʎɐʎ says: (8:45:55 PM)It'd be like saying Superman sucks all over, greatly ignoring what he represents.
Rzelle says: (8:55:58 PM)He probably does considering he has the tendency to slap me — literally or figuratively depending — every time I've got a "crazy" notion in my head
nʎɐʎ says: (8:57:31 PM)Situational regulation, don't think he'd set any emotion behind the implied thought
So after all those emotions from earlier spilled and were done with and I had figured out where it was all coming from, I let him know I was feeling better. And I was. And now I am. Especially since I didn't have to be the one to ask if I was going tomorrow.
I'll meet them soon, I will. I'm okay. I love him. And yeah, he's stupid but I love him. And I'm excited to be there with them and him tomorrow night.
"I don't drive"
"Don't give me that. I'll fucking come get you."
I'm not going to and never will say that we don't have problems or that he doesn't suck sometimes or that I don't get a little too expectant....or that I haven't been a bit of an asshole lately just because I didn't want to get too attached. But I won't ever say that I'm going to just give up on him while we still love each other. This is just the beginning.
Especially since this is the same guy who told me that his phone bill for the last month was more than $100 and decided to get a new phone contract rather than control our phone usages.
"But, but, but it's monneeyyyyy"
"Money has to be spent eventually. Don't worry about it."
Also the same guy who dropped off my present early last week to make me feel better about the stress. Merry Almost Christmas, folks.
-- ZelleZ
