April 8, 2014
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I am weak today.
I am worn. About a month ago, I came down from my identity crisis and started to become the power house I once was. Fearless, some would say and I was making myself proud again. I was loving myself again. And I still do. I love myself and my capabilities. But I’m at a stand still once more. Stagnant. Not for any reason other than I relapsed and one day after another provided its own stresses and now I’ve come to the place where I’m about to lose myself once more. But it’s darker and rougher than before.
Tempted. I’m very tempted to stop fighting the monsters in my head today. So tempted to give in and let it take over me. Maybe it’s because our conversations lately have me so damaged that I’m tired. Or maybe it’s because I just want to prove a point and allow you to see what scares me on a daily basis. But I don’t even think unstable me would be so corrupt that it’d take that route. I’m not that much of my mother’s daughter.
But I don’t know what’s on the other side. That’s the thing. I’m so detached right now. I feel outside of my body as if I’m getting ready to leave it for the rest of my mind to take over. I’m holding on but I’m so tempted to let go. The difference is that I won’t have as much of a grip on reality that I used to. While during the identity crisis I was still me, albeit someone who never really exists, a part of me knew who she was. Reminiscent of scared 16 year old me in a bad relationship.
This is different. I can feel it. It’s a whole different thing. I don’t know what it is but this is a monster I’ve never dealt with before. If I lose to this, I’m not sure I have a chance of coming back. I don’t know how long I’ll be gone, or what will become of me when I do. I just know that if I do, I won’t be consciously aware of what I do or say. I will have lost myself and I’ve only ever done that fully once before and I was fortunate that it lasted two weeks and I came out of it.
I think this is a deeper trench I would be entering. I don’t think I’m stable enough to pick apart what is and isn’t real. And I won’t be aware. And if/when it’s over, I don’t know if I’ll remember any of it.
I need to find a way out but I don’t know how. I feel like as time goes by, my chances of finding it become slimmer.
Help.
I want to stop fighting you. I need you to see what you’re doing to me. I need you to understand how much bigger this is than you think.
Help me understand what you think. And understand what I know. Can we just fix this? Because I’m tired.
And if I give in, it will take all three of you to get me out. One will not be enough this time. Her to hold my hand, him to remind me what I’m fighting for and you to anchor us all.
To myself:
Don’t let it fester. Don’t let it fester. Don’t let it manifest into something it doesn’t need to be.
This is what is real. They care for you. Do not hurt anyone any further.
She loves you. He loves you. They love you. There is nothing they won’t do for you. It’s tried and true.
Come home and please stay. For them. You need to love them as much as they have loved you.
Please stay.
Z.
