March 14, 2014
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The Last Piece
I. Am. Happy.
Oddly empowered. All this time I've been scared of this outcome. I've been scared, despite knowing that I needed it. And I hadn't realized how well I would take everything.
Reality check.
My final reality check.
My final button.
For the last couple of months, I've been all up in the air because I didn't know how to reclaim my fearlessness. After the break up a year ago, I went through a minor identity crisis while I rediscovered the person I once wanted to be before the relationship. I realized that I should never compromise myself that much again, but he needed me. And I still believe he needed me at that point. I wouldn't trade any of it for the world. Because I wouldn't be who I am. I would not have come this far.
I tried. I tried to regain myself but I choked every single time. And I tried for months to try and recapture the person I one was, who I wanted to be. But to no avail, and the funny thing is that my weakness was someone — who at the beginning — was my stabilizer. He still served his purpose as time passed but as I continued to be someone I was not, that all went in vain.
That night, was everything I needed. I'm sorry that it had to be him but I already knew. I already knew. That it all had to happen in order for me to come to this point. It had to be him. It had to be then. Everything that needed to happen, happened albeit under a seemingly horrifying circumstance.
And as the words that zoomed past me, accusing me of being someone who doesn't exist, I began to recapture myself. The search for self identification is now over and I know this wholly. As long as I don't let the world psyche me out, I will be okay. And I won't. And I have to do everything I can to not get bitter. But now, I know who I am. Though, a part of me always did.
I found it. The last piece. And all the people who have come in and left a piece of them for it, helping it to form me, have done their job. This man has done his. He came in at a horrible time and reversed everything that I had worked up to at that point, pushing me to grow in reverse. While I understood it as it was happening, nothing could stop the inevitable end to the situation. Lord knows that I did try to keep it from getting there. But we all knew that I needed it. He became my weakness, and still I do not know how.
It wasn't like that in the beginning. I could talk to him, I could be myself around him. But somewhere, somehow, the stresses of the nothing that was took control and turned me into someone who couldn't be the person I needed to be and in fact, someone who I was not. And as I retell the story to other people who know me well, they are perplexed of the opinion that he holds of me. However, I admit my own fault for allowing it to get to the point where he has come to the misguided conclusion. There was nothing I could do to stop it. To him, I became the sheltered, spoiled, rich girl who I was not. Someone who needed to be taught, who hadn't experienced enough in her life to know what a hard life looks like.
In fact, I am a strong, independent young woman who spent her life hated, under appreciated or neglected. Her entire life was an emotional and mental struggle as she dealt with everything that was thrown at her with as much grace and gratefulness as she could. She self-sacrifices on a regular basis, giving those she cares about nothing short of her entire world. She has nothing but reach herself out to protect and care for those that she loves even in the worst of circumstances. Because of it, she is one of the most respected people in her family. Someone who her family now fears of her successes instead of looks down upon.
Through it all, she experienced her share of psychological trauma; the cycle of fear, anger, and sadness. Finally, she settled on love and her heart is forever full as she continues to do what she believes is right with no fear of the consequence. She can do anything she puts her mind to and the people she loves can trust enough to know that she can succeed. She is invincible and her heart is on fire.
And all it took was a break from herself, a minor identity crisis and someone 10 years older than her to make her feel like she is someone she is not.
He was my final piece of the puzzle to shape who I am. He was the last thing I needed to fill in my giant Richard Scarry puzzle and make myself whole. I don't need someone else, and I've always known that. But now I can open myself to a partner in crime and know that I can take on the world with him. He can trust me and I can trust him. He just has to meet me, the real me. The final me.
Little Miss Confident Strong Doesn't-take-your-shit-or-no-for-an-answer Fearless.
And in confidence I can say that she is here to stay.
And she isn't so little.
Look ma, I got my shit together faster than I thought I would
Z.
