"...is that one day everyone will turn their back on me because I made a mistake."
"Well, the only reason that would happen is because you stopped being yourself."

October 2013. And the conversation continued as I explained that I meant that the fear is that the reality is that I'm a horrible person and that everyone realizes that and abandons me because I'm not worth the time. The fear is that I am not a great person and because of that the world would abandon me. This came from the high school relationship that convinced me that I'm an overall shitty person. My fear is that that asshole's words would be true.

But as I went over this fear in my head tonight and thought about that conversation with my good friends...I realized it happened. So maybe the person hasn't turned his back on me fully but he turned his back on the idea of "us" because I made a mistake, because I stopped being myself. Because he is now under the impression that I am someone who I am not.

Almost as if that conversation from October would foreshadow what would happen months later.

Z.

I. Am. Happy.

Oddly empowered. All this time I've been scared of this outcome. I've been scared, despite knowing that I needed it. And I hadn't realized how well I would take everything.

Reality check.

My final reality check.

My final button.

For the last couple of months, I've been all up in the air because I didn't know how to reclaim my fearlessness. After the break up a year ago, I went through a minor identity crisis while I rediscovered the person I once wanted to be before the relationship. I realized that I should never compromise myself that much again, but he needed me. And I still believe he needed me at that point. I wouldn't trade any of it for the world. Because I wouldn't be who I am. I would not have come this far.

I tried. I tried to regain myself but I choked every single time. And I tried for months to try and recapture the person I one was, who I wanted to be. But to no avail, and the funny thing is that my weakness was someone — who at the beginning — was my stabilizer. He still served his purpose as time passed but as I continued to be someone I was not, that all went in vain.

That night, was everything I needed. I'm sorry that it had to be him but I already knew. I already knew. That it all had to happen in order for me to come to this point. It had to be him. It had to be then. Everything that needed to happen, happened albeit under a seemingly horrifying circumstance.

And as the words that zoomed past me, accusing me of being someone who doesn't exist, I began to recapture myself. The search for self identification is now over and I know this wholly. As long as I don't let the world psyche me out, I will be okay. And I won't. And I have to do everything I can to not get bitter. But now, I know who I am. Though, a part of me always did.

I found it. The last piece. And all the people who have come in and left a piece of them for it, helping it to form me, have done their job. This man has done his. He came in at a horrible time and reversed everything that I had worked up to at that point, pushing me to grow in reverse. While I understood it as it was happening, nothing could stop the inevitable end to the situation. Lord knows that I did try to keep it from getting there. But we all knew that I needed it. He became my weakness, and still I do not know how.

It wasn't like that in the beginning. I could talk to him, I could be myself around him. But somewhere, somehow, the stresses of the nothing that was took control and turned me into someone who couldn't be the person I needed to be and in fact, someone who I was not. And as I retell the story to other people who know me well, they are perplexed of the opinion that he holds of me. However, I admit my own fault for allowing it to get to the point where he has come to the misguided conclusion. There was nothing I could do to stop it. To him, I became the sheltered, spoiled, rich girl who I was not. Someone who needed to be taught, who hadn't experienced enough in her life to know what a hard life looks like.

In fact, I am a strong, independent young woman who spent her life hated, under appreciated or neglected. Her entire life was an emotional and mental struggle as she dealt with everything that was thrown at her with as much grace and gratefulness as she could. She self-sacrifices on a regular basis, giving those she cares about nothing short of her entire world. She has nothing but reach herself out to protect and care for those that she loves even in the worst of circumstances. Because of it, she is one of the most respected people in her family. Someone who her family now fears of her successes instead of looks down upon.

Through it all, she experienced her share of psychological trauma; the cycle of fear, anger, and sadness. Finally, she settled on love and her heart is forever full as she continues to do what she believes is right with no fear of the consequence. She can do anything she puts her mind to and the people she loves can trust enough to know that she can succeed. She is invincible and her heart is on fire.

And all it took was a break from herself, a minor identity crisis and someone 10 years older than her to make her feel like she is someone she is not.

He was my final piece of the puzzle to shape who I am. He was the last thing I needed to fill in my giant Richard Scarry puzzle and make myself whole. I don't need someone else, and I've always known that. But now I can open myself to a partner in crime and know that I can take on the world with him. He can trust me and I can trust him. He just has to meet me, the real me. The final me.

Little Miss Confident Strong Doesn't-take-your-shit-or-no-for-an-answer Fearless.

And in confidence I can say that she is here to stay.

And she isn't so little.

Look ma, I got my shit together faster than I thought I would

Z.

Once you must fall in love with your best friend....this will teach you who your true friends are, and the fine line between friendship and more.

He was my first love, the one that I was 1000% certain that I was going to end up with in the end. Along with a ton of other people, including his adorable grandmother. After a good 3 years, I finally reached out to him and told him I didn't like being angry with him. We reconciled and to this day, I tell him whenever I fall in love again. Still, I talk to him as if it were yesterday. But then I know that all we'll ever have was yesterday. He's my first and no one could compare nor forget but he could not be my last.

He taught me the innocence of love, how it's supposed to feel. How it's supposed to give you butterflies and make you nervous and bite your lip and make you not give a damn who is watching. He taught me that my final love needed to be my best friend, my partner in crime and pusher of dreams.

Once you must fall in love with someone you believe to be perfect. You will learn that no one is perfect, and that you should never be treated as any less than you deserve.

He was my late teens love until right before I turned 20. I thought he was perfect, that we were perfect. Together. There was no one who could read me better and likewise; to this day that still holds true. Maybe I no longer need him or ever will but he is my soul brother, my spiritual counterpart. The person who knew every thought I've ever had before I did, God's gift to my soul. He taught me how to relax, and smell the roses and how to be patient.

Still it was through him that I did learn what I deserved. He wasn't abusive, he didn't treat me like an option but I sure as hell didn't deserve the way he never met me halfway — even if it was because he was scared to. He taught me that even the best people will let you down and how he let me down. But I'm glad he's happy now and I'm glad I got to be the one who was strong enough to teach him who he needed to be. He taught me that even perfection can be settling, that perfection is merely concept.

Once you must fall in love with someone that is exactly like you. This will teach you about who you are, and who you want to be.

He was my second love. He was me. He fit perfectly into the picture frame that my family portrayed before me. He got off on his anger. He was irrational fears and jealousy and paranoia. He threw temper tantrums like a 3 year old and refused to take fault for anything that happened to him. He instilled the very same fear in me that I held over other people for years. Power hungry. Control freak. Center of the universe. He taught me that I need to give some of myself in order to give back, that it's not all about me. And I gave him my world.

The asshole but blessing in disguise. He humbled me, to the point where I loathed myself for years and still do a bit to this day but he humbled me. He is the person who damaged me well enough to turn me into someone that I'm slowly but surely learning to appreciate. Through him I learned exactly who I didn't want to become and that was him. He turned me into little miss fearless independent driven and forever learning girl.

And when you’re through with all that, you learn that the people who care about you the most are the ones that you hurt, and the ones that hurt you are the ones that you needed the most.

And I have. Repeatedly, I hurt people in my life but that's how I know that they care. And I know that the people who have hurt me in the past are only the experiences that I needed in order to become who I am today, as much as they have torn me up and spat me out as if I were no one. And now here I sit having learned the lessons on how to love, how to be loved and how to love myself through three very different people. Yet all the same.

And how I'm starting to figure out the kind of person I will need for the rest of my life.

But most of all, you learn that love is only a concept and is not something that can be defined, it is different to each person that experiences it. And you will learn to respect each and every person on this earth, knowing that everyone only wants to be loved.

My ultimate wish holds true: the wish that everyone on the planet could be happy for one second, feeling loved and loving themselves. And here's to hoping that I can give away the love that I've done nothing but receive for so long while I took my personal hiatus.

"He's so happy now. He broke you and you fixed him. Does that make you mad?"
Perhaps not but I wish I hadn't been taking my loves for granted for the last couple of months. I wish I hadn't incurred so much damage from those years or at least have realized it fully sooner. I wish they knew me the way that the others did. I hope she doesn't disappear. Angry me left for a while and has come back and is now a functioning part of me. Loving me left for a while — choosing to fend for herself out of the fear that she'll make poor choices before she can stop herself — and she needs to make her return before it's too late.

And hopefully they, too, will know love through me.

-- Z.