I went to my cousin's debut tonight. This girl who I used to be inseparable with before the whole incident of 2005. We'd dress up. Dance. Argue. Laugh. Go to the bathroom. Sleep. Play. Work. Sing. Eat. Together. Always. Never could we ever look each other in the eye and not laugh...or take each other seriously. To this very day, we never make eye contact. And today, she became eighteen years old. Where does the time go? And as superficial and materialistic as I've always said she is, I never ceased to love her or commend her for hard work. 

So now I sit here, braid undone and clad in a grey dress, wondering what to write about. Also doing my nails. It's kind of hilarious because the entire length of the night, my family and I were cracking jokes. Almost every one in the entourage cried during their speeches which was something we found ridiculous. I don't know what it was — the sentiments or the happy memories or whatever — but they cried. I was talking to Stan about it and the fact that if I had a debut, all my friends would have been total assholes to me in their speeches. The only two who didn't cry were my sister and the debutante's brother. Which makes sense because they're family. I told Bean if she didn't make me laugh, she's disowned. She did a wonderful job at completing her mission. That's my sister~ What also appalled myself and the sibs was the bill for the whole shindig. During his speech, the debutante's dad told us that she had a choice for her birthday: a car or a debut. My sister said she'd go for the car and I said that I'd ask to go to NYU. 

On the way home my auntie just had to throw out there just how unmaterialistic I am. Majority of my cash is spent on food, books, movies and cows. Yup. Haha. 

I have to wonder if tensions have lifted at all. For the first time in almost ten years, every member of our family on the island was in the same room. It's a step forward, I think. However, the twins not being on island might mean that nothing has changed at all. But whatever's whatever. 

Oh and another thing that threw me off was the end of the night when Megan was thanking everyone who was there tonight. She thanked her friends for putting up with her, her family for being around, her parents for giving her life. But she didn't thank someone. Him. That threw me off completely. I was waiting for it but it never came. The one who created life itself. She didn't pay any homage to Him at all. For some reason, I just didn't understand why she didn't. I just didn't understand how she could possibly not do so. Yes, the girl who peered over at her sister who from afar was giving her a look for not performing the sign of the cross and who is constantly getting scolded for not going to church is questioning this — the lack of acknowledgement for our Father. And it actually disturbs me a little. Crazy. 

-- ZelleZ

I can't go at this alone. As much as I love the support online from the women across the world, it isn't enough. I can't just stay up during the wee hours of the morning just so I can soothe myself to sleep. I worry. Like crazy. And stress. About everything.

I hope that I haven't done anything that would have gotten him in trouble since the SITs are getting smoked for people on the facebook page. I've been playing it safe though. Only giving names on the group and making sure not to attract any attention to the boy on the actual page — at least I hope. I might have missed something. In the meanwhile, I'm flipping out and hoping that I haven't done anything that could have possibly interfered with training in any way. 

It's nuts. I've been living in my head for a while. And for everyone who thinks it's okay not to mention him or to not ask me how I'm coping, you all fucking suck. If something reminds me of him and I cry, let me fucking cry if you care about me at fucking all. This is a major part of my life that you're not touching on and if you genuinely don't care, get off my fucking blog. I don't need any more people pretending like he doesn't fucking exist. I DO NOT like having to separate my life. I'm FUCKING SICK OF THAT SHIT. FUCK THAT. FUCK YOU who do or have done that to me. I AM SO SICK OF TRAIPSING AROUND THE EGGSHELLS ON THE FLOOR. I thought I was through with that when I kicked the ex to the curb but what the hell is this? 

I'm dizzy. And I don't know who to trust. And I don't know if I should. And I don't even know if anyone even friggin cares anymore. I'm tired. I'm tired of trying to slyly bring him up to people to only be shut down right after or the subject to get changed. LIKE FUCK. I know I'm trying to be strong here but IGNORE IT?! WHO THE HELL KNOWS ME TO IGNORE SHIT?! FUCK, GUYS. FUCK. 

I stay home all the fucking time because no one is willing to talk to me about him. THAT is why I stopped going to D&D. THAT is why I go straight home after school. THAT is why I've spent so much time with his family and his friends. Because SHIT GUYS I MISS MY FUCKING BOYFRIEND AND IT AIN'T GONNA GET BETTER WITH TIME.

Look at this shit: I'm pissed about everything and nothing. And I'm just fucking tired of everybody. Just fucking tired.

My head hurts.

Goodfuckingnight.

-- ZelleZ

But without you: I get bitter. I get happy. I get mopey. I get angry. I get frustrated. I get paranoid. I get everything. The hardest part is dealing with all of it without you. It's a luxury, though. Having you? It is. It is something that I was blessed enough to have for only the Lord knows whatever reason. 

I told you all the time when you were here that I still think it's fucking weird. And trust me, down the line it ain't gonna get any less weird. Tuesday morning with Fernan and Clem in my living room just talking about everything and nothing. Fernan kept saying it and it was something I will never in my life be able to put down: how weird it is. It is the craziest thing ever. I wont. I can't get over the surrealism. 

You and I, we've played the right roles with each other. We're very lucky to have each other and you know that. You're lucky to have the girl who patiently walks with you with her hand outstretched to lead you across the rocky roads. And I'm lucky to have the boy who calmly coaxes me into coming back down whenever I get too high up into the trees. Now, we're thousands of miles apart having to do this by ourselves. 

Some days I feel like I literally have no one. You know that scary feeling of my worst fear? It's just coming at me. And you're not here to tell me it's not going to happen. You're not here to tell me to hold on to people the way I always have or let go. You're not here to tell me that everything's going to be okay. Some days I feel like the world is caving in on me and I just feel a shit load like I'm a terrible person. Like, I feel like shit. I feel like I'm fucking up all over the place with people. As if I truly deserve to be abandoned right now. And I'm not even sure what it is that I'm doing. 

I feel like I'm fucking up the one thing out of life that I want: to make everyone I know happy. To make sure that everyone I know is happy. I am falling apart. And there's no way I can even tell you this right now. It's not something I can allow myself to talk to you about right now. I'm tired. And I just. I don't know. I just want to curl up in a ball with your arms around me to help me figure this out. 

-- ZelleZ

You know, some of the poor have some of the strongest faiths in God I have ever seen? 

I remember this one guy we used to see walking the streets in Chicago. He was always sitting on the sidewalk in front of the Aeropostale. Always on a blanket, with a cup for change and a bible on his lap. Sometimes he'd read aloud and sometimes he'd read quietly and sometimes he just sat there patiently while people walked by him. Though he may not have always had a smile on his face, he never looked upset. Whenever we'd eat out, we'd always take our leftovers those who are homeless and this is something I would like EVERYONE to do. There's plenty of food to go around for those with cash so don't be selfish and don't let it go to waste. 

Now the one day we actually had food to give this particular man by the Aero, his eyes just lit up. He asked us about three times if we were completely certain about it and each time we smiled and responded with a yes. The man, gripping his bible in one hand and the bag full of leftover goodies in the other, looked up at the sky and thanked God. Right after, he looked at us and bowed his thank you's and said, "God bless you all." When I looked back right before we crossed the street, he was between looking at the food in disbelief and watching after us as if we were angels sent to him by the big guy Himself. It warmed my heart, you know?

Of course, you always have the poor who just despise Him. They believe it's just ridiculous that He would put them in a situation like that. But what amazes me are those who don't. Those who are just grateful that He lets them live — like this guy mentioned. This man, satisfied sitting on the street just watching people ignore him, needed nothing but the word of God. THAT is faith right. Knowing that even when everything in your life is going nowhere but downhill and still knowing in your heart that He will take care of you, that is faith. 

Not having to prove to anything or anyone that you believe in Him. Not having to prove to anyone that He exists. Just knowing in your heart that He is there for you and that you will do everything in your power to be there for Him. Today, almost three years later, I am confident that should that man have passed on by now he would have died in peace knowing that his time had come to join our Father in heaven. 

Love's a lot like faith in God in the sense that you can't see it. But you can feel it. When you feel the faith in God running through your veins and into your heart, it's the most magical thing ever. It's warm and fuzzy and safe. Like nothing will ever harm you as long as you have it — as long as you have love and God. And well, love in God.

So my auntie told me today that a priest is coming over to "bless me" because I haven't been to church. I feel like I'm being exorcised. Not sure whether or not this is an appropriate time to tell her.

-- ZelleZ

And I'm sitting on the floor typing this. Tonight I'll lull myself to sleep reading about Norse gods listening to Incubus. The temperature is fine. Friends is on. It's half past midnight. And there's junk everywhere. Or well, compared to how I kept my room in high school it's incredibly neat. The table by my bed holds nothing but remotes and papers. From Faith's Valentine's to Coyce's letters to the drawing that Keeks gave me. 

The weekend was killer in both ways. 

My weekends usually start Thursday nights. So let's start there.

I came home to another letter in the mail. I can't even begin to tell you how heartbroken about how short it was. It briefed me on his graduation date and how long training is and that I'll need to outline the envelope in red so that it gets sorted faster. All information I'd already known from the company page. And he informed me that his platoon stanks and that he's been sore from training (which is no big deal, I can hear him saying "hurts so good"). As upset as I am about the length, it's no biggie. I know that training's probably wearing him out. His company did get a break to watch the Black/Gold game though so perhaps he wrote today. It started with "hey honey" and ended with "I miss you, love, more than you know" so I'm still cool. I'm still cool. Haha. I miss him back. My next letter is being updated throughout the weekend [1/2 page per day] to send out on Monday. So he'll have a lot to read...and well, he DID ask how things are...not that my letters weren't long before. 

But with Thursday came Face Off night. Which was at Ryan's since Lauren's TV is broken. And we had Jackie Chan with us. We took him to McD's. And they gave us stickers that said "Asian" on them on our food. And they gave me ranch sauce in a chicken nuggets box. Who the heck does that?

Friday wasn't exactly great. From waiting at the passport renewal place only to find that I need another form of ID to renew it (omg losing my id from forever ago was a bad idea). To cancelled lunch. To having to wonder whether or not things will be okay for Angie when we get back to school. To having to get my eyes rechecked and finding that my eyes are seventy-five points worse. Also, if you guys know anyone who wants contacts and can show me a prescription for -3.00 contacts 8.7/14 let me know. Acuvue 2. I DID get a call from the boy's mom informing me that Ricky isn't playing for the next game. Gah. BUT dinner was still on so that was cool. Then I had an hour long talk with Faith. Haha. Funs tuff.

I'd talk about Saturday but so much happened that I can barely even start. But I might be going to the other Murphy household tomorrow night for dinner before Ricky leaves again.

There's latiya sitting my fridge. I'm sitting on my floor. And Keek's picture sits on my table.

Nighters.

-- ZelleZ

I’m rechecking my comments for the papers I’ve peer reviewed, making sure that I’ve not made any terrible mistakes or didn’t overlook anything obvious. Sometimes I wonder if I’m an asshole for writing so much about how another person’s paper could be better but it’s really my job in life, I think. 

Anyway, I miss you like crazy right now. ASFGHJKL; I don’t know what it is. Might be because I spent a good portion of the weekend with your family members. Might be because I spend a lot of time with the friends I’ve made because of you. Might be because I found the facebook page for your company (HUGE HELP) and will be using it to keep tabs on you, and hopefully we'll see pictures of you in action soon. Might even be because the third installment to your favorite game is being released in about ten minutes. 

Whatever it is, I’m driving myself nuts at the moment. I don’t expect it to not go away. And I don’t expect it to just die. Some days I wonder if I don’t miss you enough and then the very next second I just about shrivel up in sadness about it. The thing is I know you’ll be back — you should be starting the next phase in a week or two at most. When I realize that, I buck up and power through. 

"Aww..it's like you're part of their family."
"And it happens AFTER he leaves?" 

The past few days were a wonder to me. They made me miss you more AND less if that's even possible. From Lauron and Ricky basically telling me that I'm going to the next game and their house afterwards. To your mom just giving me so many stories to hold on to. To your dad joking about how he doesn't know what to do about you. To Faith's phone calls. To Keeks and Atti tackling each other to the ground. To Athena running to me with open arms, yelling "AUNTIE RUZELLE" as if she hadn't seen me the day before. To me stumbling upon something that told me of your late brother and just melted my heart.

I really miss being able to tell you the dumbest or funniest or happiest thing that happened to me today. Or tomorrow. Or yesterday. Or whatever. Which is why I wrote you so long in my last letter. And then I realized that the reason you can tolerate my babbling miiiight be because your mom talks a lot; she’s a real riot and it makes me happy. 

“And what? Nine or so more weeks?” said your dad.
“Ughhhh…I knooooww….” But it's actually longer.

Gosh, you better fricken still miss me dork.

Stay pretty, sweet pea. 

Love (like a damn baws), 
Me 

The good news is that the boy is doing OSUT which is BCT and AIT combined for Infantrymen. Rather than 3 phases and leaving, the boys stay for two more phases. This means he doesn't leave Benning, PERIOD. This means there is no time wasted. Their graduation is set for early June(this is all under the assumption that the information that I retrieved from his mother is accurate and was not mis-communicated). However, I believe he signed up for Airborne...meaning three more weeks. Meaning late June. We'll just have to see. Either way, I've gotten quite antsy about the whole thing. I'm actually really excited. Pretty sure he's doing well.

Also slightly paranoid that any of the info on the envelopes were wrong which would be BAD. So we'll just have to see about that.

Gonna get my ass into bed now. The week's actually starting to breeze by. GOT LOTS OF STUFF TO TAKE CARE OF [gahhh!]: essays, papers, freshening up my math skills (studying for that too). It'll be Saturday in no time and we'll be munching on stuff at Lauron's. And Atti's still not used to me but that'll be taken care of soon. Haha. 

-- ZelleZ

"The second."
"But what day?"
"The second."
"IT'S FRIDAY!"
"Shut the fuck up, Cris." 

Friday made month fourteen. Not that I actually keep track of it anymore.

Sometime in February:
Him: Do you know what last thursday was?
Me: Hmm? What?
Him: The second.
Me: OH YEAHHH
Him: Did you remember?
Me: Yeah. Later in the day but I didn't say anything.
HIm: Yeah...I was going to but I forgot. 

Finished the damn grape juice.

So the morning I wake up and go to my sister's house to sit the child. That girl is hilarious. Despite her random tantrums because I wouldn't let her play outside — the outside of my mom's house is dangerous and anyone who's seen it would agree with me — we had a grande ol' time. That and "Auntie Bed" still gots the ability to put her to sleep in less than five minutes. I also got to spend some quality time with my brother while she was asleep. My almost nonexistent brother since no one hears about him. To this day, I still have people who've known me for a year or two or three and still are surprised to hear about my big bro, the oldest. Coyce hasn't met him because he's always in his cave; he's such a bum it's ridiculous. GET A JOB, BRO! DAMN! 

It's nice that I get to finally spend time with my family after so long. The tensions are relieved. And all that shit from the past is completely over. And they finally got over my exboyfriend. Awesome. I do believe that the man being in the Guard served as a huuuge catalyst for the amends with my brother in law. The brother in law who gave him his Ranger patch for motivation.

After that I went home for Shaina's scentsy launch party. Despite the fact that there was tension between me and my auntie and uncle (came late and left early), I believe that it was worth it. I hope that everyone had a good time and that Shaina didn't get a hard time while I was gone. THEN Sal dropped me off at Guam Plaza. It was hilarious: he sped in his truck, Chris was being a badass copilot and making a ruckus, and I jumped out of the car and ran across the street to JP when we were at a red light. And I accidentally took his D&D folder. AND I LEFT IT IN MEGAN'S CAR. My bad. Meg, can you take care of that for me? -.-

After that dinner at Von's was good times. I hope that ya'll enjoyed your meal and had a good time also. My sincere apologies for zoning out the way I did.

"You're thinking about him."
"Huh?"
"Haha. You're always thinking about him."
"Ahahaha. Really?"
"I can tell because you're playing with his necklace." 

And I've discovered that I smell naturally like coconut. I've been getting it for two months now: "you smell like coconut". But I don't use anything that smells anything like coconut. And it can't be my house. I wasn't home at all today. It's interesting.

I'm super tired right now. And I had a buuunch of stuff I had to say but I can't remember. Dangit. But awesome week is still awesome. 

-- ZelleZ

http://9gag.com/gag/2925485

The 9gag post about all the soldiers in all the armies of the world putting down their weapons has left me…very confused. Do…I not want that? Any day out of the week two years ago, I would have instantly said yes. But what is this? The first thing I think of when I read that is that my baby is thousands of miles away from me training to do exactly what I would have never wanted him to do. That there is a letter to my left that's got the U.S. Army logo in the top left corner where his name sits. And it's not just him, either. Suddenly, I'm thinking of all the soldiers out there and why they are. The fact that those who walked into the military for the military genuinely believe that they are doing the world an honest service to their country (and to the world in certain cases). And I don't know if I can exactly just jump out and say that they're wrong.  

"The Vietnam War was STUPID. SO SO STUPID."
"OOOH. You're one of THOSE people??"
"What people?"
"The kind of people who go up to a Vietnam Vet and are pretty much all 'fuck you' or trash talk them or whatever?"
"What? No. Look, I understand that these people honestly believe that they are out in wars for the greater good but that war was one of the most ridiculous ones we've been in. It wasn't our fight to fight." 

Okay, the United States ain't the fucking police of the world. Seriously, we need to learn how to butt out of other people's business…because we sure as hell did not win the Vietnam War for that fucking reason and sooo many fucking people died or were raped or were hurt or were severely traumatized because of us.

Okay, so I get it. I get that all these people want to go out and defend this country and fight for our country and our rights and yadda yadda yadda. I stick to my firm belief that it's silly that we're still fighting a war for poor excuses that an idiot president made ten years ago. What the hell are we even doing out there? I honestly don't understand. And MAYBE Coyce can explain it to me in a way that will make me understand what the hell is going on. I still fucking think it's ridiculous. But as much as I want everyone who is deployed to go back home, a part of me doesn't for him and for those who are ready to go out there...oh, let there be a purpose.

So yeah, I agree that if they put down their damn weapons to help build rather than destroy…well that's obviously more productive than what they're doing now. Not just for us as humans but also for mother earth…which in turn helps us. Buuut, I guess the point of this is the realization that I no longer find the U.S. army — or the military in general — unnecessary. 

They've served a purpose. And I'm going waaaay back to WWII and the civil war where it ended up (in a really twisted way) necessary. Apparently, it takes a ton of bloodshed and environmental damage for people to get a point across that someone else is seriously hurting us. 

But as majority of this war and 'Nam has proven, it sure as hell isn't going to solve everything. 

IN CONCLUSION, (lmfao) I'm now in full support of our troops. I want them to all come home safely and fight the good fight. The motives? I might be iffy about. BUT as long as a good majority (at least the ones I know..and I know I'm going to know more of them -.-) of them aren't ignorant and firmly believe that they are doing a good thing, then so be it.

I believe that I just became THAT much more open minded. 

-- ZelleZ

Thinking about us. Thinking about — how you so bluntly put it — "our future". It came from a question earlier while on the road with Megan: So what's going to happen to the ranch? We're both under the assumption that you get it. I'm not completely certain. I had a nice long think to myself about that.

What do I want out of our relationship? Sure, kids. Life-long love affair? Yeah. But our actual living. What's that gonna be like? I end up as the wife of the guy who's in the Army National Guard? That was never part of the plan. I suddenly get access to the bases? Again, not part of the plan. I live the rest of my life having to worry about A LOT of animals? ALSO not part of the plan. Living my life on this island? Not working in the states? Not leaving the island for the states forever? Not living in the suburbs of some random state? Not taking random trips out to a random state to see sights for only a few hundred a person? NONE OF THAT WAS PART OF THE PLAN.  

I barely even know what my future looks like. I know the way I had planned it out for just me. I know the details of where I wanted to go and who I wanted to be.  

You know what I wanted out of my life? I wanted to be working in indie films. I wanted to live in the suburbs. I wanted my kids to go to a random public school there. I wanted to be the super organic momma who made her kids vegan stuff. I wanted to be able to take my kids to all these sights I've been to in the US. I wanted to be able to give them snow. Cool weather. I wanted to live in New York or Chicago because Chi-town's much more family friendly. I wanted a huge wedding. I wanted a moderate sized house with a big backyard. I didn't care much about the church situation. I didn't even know if I wanted to take my family but I know that I wanted to stay a Catholic…partly for the sake of it ["there are no Athiests in fox holes"]. And I wanted to go home to Guam and retire where I grew up.   

THEN YOU walk into my life and all of a sudden I want…well pretty much none of that. A year later, and I'm wondering what the hell was I thinking. None of that is practical…or well, none of that flows together in a way that's even remotely close to convenient. I don't know how a life like that would've worked out. It would've taken me forever to become the mother I know I've always wanted to be. A thousand kids running around. Is that worth giving up a career in indie films and wanting to be in the states? Ha. Definitely. Mmm...I'd give anything to have my own set of Murphy children with you years from now. 

How did I let Mr. Murphy into my love life and throw all of that out the window? I don't even know. But it turned into something that I had never thought it would. The problem is that I'm scared that I should have a problem with all of that. But I don't.

So back to "our future". Our future that we agree to have with a bunch of kids "who will love each other no matter what happens". "Our future" most likely means living here for the rest of our lives. It most likely means two kinds of weather: sun and rain. It most likely means mostly organic mom who gets to cook for her kiddies with only the best kind of stuff as much as she possibly can and maybe I get the chance to home grow. [I'd love my own garden, actually] It most likely means a career in the media that means a random call in the night to work or writing articles at home. It most likely means that I'm a military wife who's going to worry about him leaving us at any given moment for deployment. It most likely means the beaches and a ranch [at a beach] at my hands whenever I need it. It probably means my closest friends at the drop of a hat. And I know for sure it means a much stronger faith in God than I had grown up with. 

Am I willing to sacrifice the life in the states I'd always thought I'd have for all of the above? 

You know…yeah, I am. 

I think of a future with you and I see random flashes of any moment in time. From your homecoming from deployment. To my graduation. To my first pregnancy. To my last. To a litter of Murphys laying in the grass tackling each other or harassing animals or reading books or making music or just making noise or falling asleep after a long day. I can't guarantee how it'll go exactly. It's all a blur because none of that happened…yet? And maybe we're not 100% certain that it will. But we're 100% certain that it's what we want. And for that, I took the fall. 

And well, whether in the end it's "our future" or "my future" I know it'll be worth it. Because the journey's going to be and has been amazing; it'll probably get even more amazing. As long as I know that through it all, whatever happens, as long as we tried so hard to be together that it all but killed us I'll know that it was worth it. I'm counting on it. 

Life makes love look hard
The stakes are high, the water’s rough
But this love is ours

-- ZelleZ

I’m pretty sure eventually my blogs won’t be so surrounded by you the same way my thoughts won’t be surrounded by you. But my Friday was about nothing but you.

From my brother in law coming over the check on me and to give me tips on how to deal with everything since he’s in the guard — we’ve found a use for him.”Twenty bucks you’re going to cry during your first phone call with her.” I was half asleep when he said that to you. Your response made me laugh: “I don’t want to bet. I know I will.” 

To being able to spend the day with the friends that I made in the same class that I met you. Shopping. Eating ice cream. Talking. Playing Quelf. Lazing around my house. Walking down memory lane.

“You and him. It’s still fucking weird. I didn’t see that coming.”
“Dude, no one did. WE didn’t.” 

To the wonderful conversation I had with your mother over the phone, checking in on her and the rest of your family. Speaking of our days, our lives and the fact that you’ve yet to call which means you’re still processing. I love that she knows how to really hold a conversation and I can always appreciate a talker, since I myself am one. Especially since half of the things she says are hilarious stories from your childhood.

“We used to have to hide chocolate from him because he’d just get sooooo hyper! But he’d ALWAYS find it and we’d be asking each other who gave him chocolate!”

The day was pleasant. And strangely, you-filled despite your absence.

I think this is part of realizing some things about us. That you exist. That we exist. And that I'm your other half. That despite your absence, you're still here with me the same way I'm somehow there with you. 

“You’re always right here,” you said to me one night, lifting my hand to your heart. And likewise for you.

It's still pretty wtf. And surreal. And part of me STILL has a hard time believing it.

"Well, you better believe it! It's happening."

And I am. Slowly but surely, I'm letting it all sink in that this is my life now. You are such a huge part of my life now and I haven't given you that credit yet. 

It's raining. Look, baby. I still don't have to worry about the plants. The Lord's been so gracious. About everything. I'm so blessed. It's amazing. Really, really amazing.

-- ZelleZ