[babbles since I have no time before 'Kayla's party] That's what I had thought anyway a year ago. You took so fucking long to get to me. Why? I mean, I can't fucking believe that sometimes. Sometimes I think about it and I can't help but be so fucking frustrated about it. I mean, that's normal. And I'm not even all that frustrated anymore but the fact that I've never said anything bugs me. The same way that had I not finally outted myself about the green-eyed feelings then I probably wouldn't be over it now. How could you just walk away with nothing more to say but I don't love you? How could you just keep coming back? Finally deciding you can tell me everything and nothing now. Everything that you're going through, everything you're thinking of? I think? 

And I know he never "played" me mostly because he doesn't gain anything from being with me that he couldn't get somewhere else. Just a couple of smiles and waffles. Guess love does that — no matter how incredibly unspectacular a person is, there's something keeping you there. And well, I'm kind of unspectacular...at least right now. Geeze, I'm such a handful. How does he stand me?

So, maybe I'm not being fair. Because I shouldn't be second guessing my instincts. I shouldn't be afraid to say something. And you tell me all the time that I have no reason to be afraid. And I know I should feel secure and that I, for the most part, do. It's just something's ever so slightly off right now. Why am I suddenly the one backing down? Why is that I'm just afraid to push forward now? How did that person become me? The one who tells him all the time to always tell me what's on his mind — and I'll be damned, he does. Why am I the one scared to speak up now? When did I become so fearful? And while I find myself and find my answer, I do nothing but feel extremely lethargic. Which really sucks. I want to get out of this mess. Because I could be happy even without you around, I know. So whatever it is that's bugging me needs to out itself so that I can figure out what's going on and what I need to do. 

Whatever it is, sweets. I know for certain that I am in love with you. I know for certain that you are my baby boo. And that I like hearing your voice when it's still dark out.

And I need to stop living in my head because it's giving me a headache....that might be it? If I could figure out what it is.

-- ZelleZ

That's two point five hours of just us being us. 

"You can't resist me."
"Yeah, unfortunately for myself."
"Yup. We're addicted to each other."
"I wonder if there's something wrong with that."
"I don't have a problem with it."
"I don't either...and I wonder if I should." 

And two point five hours closer to home.  

"I have to go now."
"All righty. Have a good day."
"I will. You take care, okay? Don't be so much of an emotional wreck."
"I'm better at it than you think I am. I promise."
"Says the girl who's crying."
"Well, I can't help myself."
"I love you."
"I love you too." 

Meaningful smiles. Blow kisses. Goofy face. Everything's in order. 

August, come quickly. Father, I pray that you will enable him to continue training. Friends, your friend — the writer of this blog — is flippin' crazy.

Sweet potato, hurry home.

-- ZelleZ 

If you're here, now you understand. 

For a while, I contemplated putting it back on xanga-lock but in the end and right before going to sleep, I decided not to. Reason being because I guess I need to get over this embarrassment and this continuous fear...of stuff. Majority of the recent stuff is babbling of happenings. Point-blank: I hope you never make it to the good stuff. As in the good stuff that will make me want to hide under a rock the same way Violet Light did. 

But I guess I'm trying not to flip out that you might see this once in a while. 

Just. I'm very unafraid to post. Everything that comes up here is the raw, right off the bat truth. No holding back. Instant. Impulse. 

And it's not that I'm afraid of what goes up. I guess it's particular things that I like to stray from out of pure fear...they get brought up here. And it's kind of embarrassing. X3

Besides, I doubt you'll actually get through more than two blogs.

...or, please don't take that as a challenge. It isn't.  

-- ZelleZ

Sun's up. Got distracted and I think this came up a liiiittle too late.

Not for me but really for you. Haha. 

I was never really very good at being able to calm myself. I also have the tendency to overthink. And just spazz out. 

I'm. Sorry. Oh my gosh, this is just terrible. 

And it's not anything really. I just decided to get into this mood and I'm not liking it because it just got a little empty. 

Actually, you know, I think I figured out what I can do. 

I'm just sort of babbling so that I can just relax. I don't know why I haven't written in a while but I haven't. Think I might go over some old blogs during this lecture to keep myself awake. 

And I have to create this physical note that the boy loves me. 

AAAGH.

-- ZelleZ

was the last thing he said to me before going to sleep at a quarter to three CST. I'll leave it up to him to figure out whether or not my day was productive but it went as follows:

Wake up. Four days to Thursday. Roll off my bed onto Bean's futon. Stretch. Polvoron gets shoved into my face. "You want polvoron?" The heck. 

Roll over and grab my laptop. The boy ims me to let me know that he's going running and will be back in half an hour. Eat breakfast and watch Legend of Korra. 

Incoming skype call mid-episode. I still haven't finished the episode. 11am to 245pm skype call with 3 random drops. I stopped stressing out. 

It was nice seeing his face again. Joking around like always. He of course was pissing me off. Telling each other stories of things that happened. Just embracing each other in every way that we can. Him refusing to be tired until well past midnight. And geeze, I don't even remember most of the conversation that took place. But there was teasing because of his apparent lack of sex drive. And there were his claims of my stealing purity. 

"Do you regret it?"
"Nope. Do you?"
"I'm still with you aren't I?"
"Yeah."
"Doesn't that answer the question?"
"I guess."
"I love you" 
"I love you too"
"Quit crying." 

I wasn't yet. But here's a sudden realization made that Coyce was always able to catch me crying before I myself even knew I was going to. The realization came from a stroll down memory lane with all six of my family members. As usual, someone pointed out my being the family crybaby and whenever that happens there is always one thing that is being said: "you can't even tell unless you're looking right at her when it happens". I am a quiet cryer. I can cry forever without people noticing it and it has the tendency to trip people out. If you notice, it's because you're looking straight at me or I'm making it known.The boy, though, points it out right when the feeling comes. Before I can even think to cry. Before I even realize myself that it is a moment in which I will cry. And I am his crybaby.

But before I was his, I was my family's. If there was anything someone would rely on me to do it was cry over something incredibly silly. But it never really put a halt to the events...considering it was something everyone eventually learned to ignore and roll their eyes at. And the fact didn't put a halt to anything tonight. For the first time in the history of anything, my six immediate family members sat at a table and didn't fight. Don't get me wrong, it was nice but it won't likely happen again. And that's fine. 

But it was pretty fascinating how that happened. And how we could literally sit and laugh at everything as if everything in the past had never happened. As if none of us had ever screwed each other over. I mean, believe me my family is fucked up. I know it is. Who knows what could possibly happen from here. And it literally could go either way. But we had tonight and I suppose that if dad died tomorrow, I'd at least be glad that the last thing I could remember of him is not being a complete asshole. 

So that was my day. After Coyce went to sleep telling me to be productive, Bean and I made a few vids. I got a call from his mom, too, talking to me about going down to hanom for the birthday weekend of mine and Faith's. She's making cakes~ I started to scratch at stuff to write my EN213 paper on. Did not work on my EN111 paper at all. I waited at my parent's place to go to dinner. Then we went to dinner and now I am at home. The time went by rather quickly. 

Sorry, sweets, if that wasn't productive enough. But it's the start of a pretty cool birth-week.

-- ZelleZ

Me: But it gets bad once you start to lose sight of reality
And I need a firm grasp of it.
At least right now
I have to hold on to what I know.

Meg: he loves you
you know that
that is reality

Thing about reality is that there's only one of them. And if you're anything like me, it's really easy to lose sight of that and start living in your head. But once you lose sight of reality, you lose sight of pretty much everything else.

Dear you,

You know, sometimes you're just plain terrible. Sometimes you just don't know how to be a boyfriend. Sometimes you get careless. Sometimes you just get confused. Sometimes you're just irritating.

Other times you aren't. The way you call me "love". The way you will listen to me cry over nothing for an hour before I'd fall asleep. The way you're willing to travel to me in the middle of the night when I need you. The way you thanked your mom for allowing me to spend so much time with them. The way you hold me. The way you'd wait the entire length of time it takes for me to get ready for bed before going to sleep. 

But if that's never good enough, there was always something that always assured me that everything was okay: your eyes. The look in your eyes that you get when you're about to kiss me. Or pull me into your arms. Or tell me you love me. That crazy loving look in your eyes that remind me that you're with me. There's a bit of a glow that accompanies a half smile when you get that look. Something about that look that always says to me "Yes, silly. I'm all yours."

And it warms my heart. And it reminds me that we can get through it as long as we have that. As long as I have that look.

Love, 

-- ZelleZ

About hormones and being my mother's daughter (you know, the one who went nuts the second she hit menopause?). 

That no matter any sort of evidences come into play that prove something wrong, it won't matter. And you have yourself convinced until you're replaying it all to yourself in the shower while listening to Josh Ramsay yell about stuff in the way he does. It's hard sometimes to remember that it's all in your head.

That's the funny thing about faith. In yourself. In your partner. And in God. It all applies. Even if you can't see it, even if you can't exactly feel it per se...you have to trust that it's all there. That you have a reason to never lose faith in regards to whatever it is. Don't let go. Hold on. Enjoy the ride. And know and believe.

You have to close your eyes and trust.

Thanks Morrie. And it isn't even Tuesday. 

-- ZelleZ

So there goes the boy again. Telling people whether or not I believe in the Lord. Same one who told me that I don't read the bible....smh. It's actually kind of funny but this guy, man. 

I'd had just about a terrible day. Couldn't find my history book nor an e-copy of it online that I wouldn't have to pay for. Still for the life of me cannot figure out the solution for this. Buut whatever. Got into a thing with my auntie about church...again. I took a really long shower thinking about it and at the very last second it came down the response while I was still in there. My response resulted in her yelling something through the door. I have no idea what it was but by the time I finished, she'd been gone. Then Faith called telling me we'd have to cancel for another day. It was disappointing. And added to the terribleness.

And at some point, I just gave up. I couldn't do anything. I couldn't think or focus or...anything. And felt nothing but stress, despondence, and emptiness. Ready to cry but it wouldn't come out.

So I sat on my floor, pulled up some Chris Tomlin and my Olive Tree Bible reader. I was about to pull up Philippians when I received the second phone call. And as if speaking through Misses Murphy, came God's word with of one of the verses I was looking for to uplift myself for being so down all week — and feeling as if I couldn't do anything...and I really did not do anything.

"I can do all things through Christ which strengtheneth me." (Philippians 4:13) 

My heart stopped. She was talking about Coyce but she could have just as easily been talking about me. And then came the conversation. "Coyce told me that you don't really believe...or well, he doesn't really know." 

In that instant I was brought back to the delays of my spiritual journey out of fear to go forth. And my debacles with myself as to when I was going to go through with breaking the news — if. And my conversations with Megan about how much I've been wanting a better relationship with Him. And the irritation I felt with Salvador when he talked about converting, insinuating that it'd be because of Coyce. And my struggles with myself trying for the past few years to figure out how to go about serving God.

Here goes. "It's just that it's not something we really talk about..." Part because I don't want him to think that I'm doing anything more with him as the reason. "...it's not that I don't believe. It's just that I was born into this super strict Catholic family. I would LOVE to have a much stronger relationship with the Lord. I just don't believe in the Catholic church."

My mind started to travel back in time back to the age of fifteen years old. Being reprimanded for going to a bible study group with my best friend. It was the first time in my entire life that I'd ever opened the bible. And the first time in my life I started to really feel God's arms wrapping around me. And it was during those days that I started to realize that something was wrong. And I was blessed by Mrs. Shiroma for opening up the Faith Bible Club no more than a year later to put me on the right path when I couldn't find that the Catholic church could.

And Cathy talked to me about how she was once in my shoes. That once, she found herself trying to find a better relationship with God. That she had realized that it was not having a religion or going to church. But going to God and directly opening up your heart to Him. A realization I'd made just a few months ago myself. And I cried. Because for that next forty minutes, out came everything in that realization months ago. Out came the reasons I've found myself reading His word on my best and worst (and really just any) days. Out came the reminder as if from God himself that this is my journey and that I must go forward with it if what I really wanted was to be closer to Him.

And I can't really wrap my mind around the reason I've been a sitting duck for the past few months about going to a church but the offer came. And I explained to her that this was something I've been sitting on since I was fifteen. Since the day dear Megan took me to Youth Alpha. She spoke to me about how God uses people to get them closer to him. And thinking about it, it couldn't have been more true. From Megan. To Mrs. Shiroma. To the Murphys. And maybe even to me. "God could be using you to lead them into the right path."

When I wrote Dear God a few months back, I cried. And Megan told me she cried. And Cathy told me she cried, too. And to put it slightly off subject yet on subject, Megan did you not say your mother cries in church sometimes and you wonder why? If you haven't already figured it out, there it is. 

"Are you crying?!"
"Yes. I'm sorry."
A laugh. "Don't worry. That tells me that God has your heart."

And I will probably be a little more reserved about it like I always have been, which might just be the reason Coyce thinks I don't read the bible nor believe. But He always has. And He always will. And this journey is going to go somewhere. And I thank the Lord and Cathy for the nudge and for so much love.

"You take care. Love you."
"Love you too." One more than the other, but the both of them.

-- ZelleZ

I never thought that you would be the one to hold my heart
But you came around and you knocked me off the ground from the start

It might be PMS that's making me overly sensitive but I'm crying right now. I'd been the entire day, longing for the boy who holds my heart. Refusing to answer calls by anyone who wasn't related to him and only texting in curt replies. The boy who I'd never in a million years expect to fall for. Who apparently drones on about me whenever Yayu asks him how life is. 

I've been at a loss for care for anything but keeping to myself all week, forcing myself to get out and do things when people ask me to. But not today. Today I was going to have me some fucking me time. Today I was going to wallow in naught but myself. And deal with the pain of not having him head on unlike what I do on most days. It's something you have to do to move on. Because sometimes you can't focus otherwise. You can't tell yourself that you don't miss someone — that's dishonesty and unhealthy. But you can tell everyone else that it doesn't bother you. Honesty with yourself is key to dealing with it. Because once you stop lying to yourself that the snake hasn't bit your leg, then you can suck out the venom.

The world is coming down on me and I can't find a reason to be loved
I never wanna leave you but I can't make you bleed if I'm alone
You put your arms around me
And I believe that it's easier for you to let me go

You've been uppity. I've noticed. And all week whenever you refused to go home, it took every bit of myself to not beg to go home and let me be sappy. 'Tis why I said what I said Thursday morning. Because I'll be damned if I let it carry on any longer. My sincere apologies for trying to evoke emotion out of you. But it's for your own good and not my amusement, I promise. 

Almost a year ago I'd mention to someone (the boy, I'm certain for I don't know who else it might've been) of my concern over you and your fickleness and avoidance due to fear. 

I tried my best to never let you in to see the truth
And I've never opened up

"She can't hide from pain forever. I just want her to feel it. She NEEDS to experience it. Because scary as it is, there's nothing wrong with it. Just isn't exactly fun whilst experiencing it."

I didn't necessarily long for someone to walk in and stab you in the heart with a knife. But I wanted it (or something of the sort) to happen. You understand though, don't you? I didn't wish for it to happen but I wouldn't feel sorry for you when it did. Of course, I wouldn't be happy. It's a lot more complex than I'm making it seem. But you understand that your refusing to feel will hit you much harder ten-fold should this have been something bigger. 

Joanna, before she stopped replying to my wallposts, told me that the reason why she would go to me every time she was down was because I don't baby her. I hit people with the raw, cold, hard truth. Because that is life. Life isn't fucking pretty — it's beautiful. And it takes the rainbow of sadness, pain, anger AND happiness to create the whole party. I am life and I am not afraid to bite you in the ass. But you can't be afraid to bite right back into it. 

One day you were expressing to me how empty you felt, using Ecclesiastes as a comparison. Well from Ecclesiastes 3:1, "For everything there is a season, and a time for every matter under heaven." It appears that your time to experience what you are is now. Don't run and don't hide. Stand and take it on, face first. And remember that God is here with you every step of the way. He will always have his arms around you, even though a prince — rather princess — may not. 

You put your arms around me and I'm home

-- ZelleZ

P.S. I will always be here if you need physical arms

The week really started on a Monday but Sunday was equally awesome, since I got to see Charlie after forever of not seeing him. Cool kid. This is going to help me write my next letter for the filling in of events thing. So here we go...

Monday: Back to school we go. I made cranberry cookies which got praise from a multitude of people. Also got an A on my exam for Communications. Cool stuff. Went to the beach with Megz and Bamz in honor of the failed beach time monday tradition and just for kicks before dropping him home. Got white nail polish. Went home and I jumped when I saw that familiar envelope on the table. Then family time happened since my cousin was leaving for home the next day. Actually had some good times. Found out that there is no Thomas I and that I almost lived in Yona. Laughs and laughs...and loudness. And there was some acknowledgement of the boy. And then the trip to Kmart half an hour before they closed it to get the notebook that I would deem fit for whatever he might use it for. (darn his lack of specifics? Semi since it was actually fun hunting)

Tuesday: Got that notebook in the mail along with stamps that he needed, rendering me just about broke. Plus I had to use eight of the stamps I bought for him to mail the damn thing — I was soooo not going to use the ones I had bought for myself. Nuh uh. Class, class, class. Found out our paper along with our homework is getting extended so I don't have to freak out so much on it and may continue taking my time to write it. Also our syllabus is being revised. Hung out with Fernan after class. Went with Meg to Mt. Lam Lam (the ice cream place) and hung out at the merry go round thingy at the park near by. A baby boy came to spin us before we left. Uber cute. This night I get a call from the boy's mom after not hearing from her after a week. "It's only been a week? It feels like I haven't talked to you in so much longer." She's such a sweet woman. We had nice chats before she had to cook before the family starved to death. 

Wednesday: School went as it usually did — nothing incredibly exciting. Went with Megz to Malojloj after school to get some Icees at the 76...even though we really didn't need to go in that direction for such. We like the scenery in the southern part of the island. Totally worth it. We also got some super dry siopao and churros. Worth it? After that was home time and I FINALLY get a nap in after a whole week of trying to take afternoon naps. Tea time happens after two weeks of pretty much nothing. I think it was two weeks, anyway. I got some studying done, we watched Pandorum, and there was quite a bit of tea consumption (three or four pots, helloooo).Edmah showed up so that was interesting. After months of his lack of presence at our weekly tea times, he shows his face. It was nice having him over, though, so I was glad that he did. I taught him how to make cookies from scratch...or biscuits, rather. I need to remember to not make them so fat when I bake them from scratch. Because I always make them too fat and it's always cakey...which isn't exactly bad but I like my cookies crunchy. 

Thursday: Had breakfast with only Fernan. The other two were studying for a test but Clem did stop by so that he could give me one of the components for the collaborative send off that a few of the bears and I put together. Hoping that it makes the boy smile when he gets it. People actually showed up for English today. Woot~ And I'm cementing my thoughts for my paper. Yay~ That test in math was...a test in math. It was all right. I totally forgot how to completely solve number three. Darn. And my number 6 may or may not be correct. Oh well. After school I see Ange and Mharj after THE LONGEST TIME. We went to Yogurtland/Wendys and just hung out for a while. I actually got a nap in later. Jumanji was on the tube too. Then came time for the Wrath of the Titans premiere. The car ride was pretty hilarious. We ended up going down to Buddies so that I could say hi to Cat since I haven't seen her in forever. Still curious about that whole thing with Edmah. I want ANSWERSSS! Movie was terrible though. What a waaaaaste. Laaame. 

Friday: Got to sleep in, which I fully appreciated. Went to the bank to set up the account I will use for the remainder of the time that my name is what it is. Couple thousand in there. One of which is my self-proclaimed budget for the summer. Hopefully I still get a ride on that allowance mom gives me so I can regain the cash I lost for my passport and miscellaneous things I had to take care of. Blah. And I won't have to use the card as much. I'm such an asshole to myself with money. I'm so pissed that I let myself get broke — even my stash is gone. I mean, I'm incredibly tight with money but I'm never ever broke. Wtf. But my birthday's coming up so it'll help make up for that. Speaking of money, one of the ladies in our Army family has entered the lottery 18 times so we're all crossing our fingers. If she wins, she wants to send Val and I to our SITs graduation and would hate us both if we refused her offer. She's such an angel. It'd be so amazing if she actually did win. After that I continued writing my backstory. Working my way through it. Should be done by the time we play, which I expect to now be the upcoming Sunday. Then I went to Deep Waters, a GIFF-related event. It was just me and Cuz wearing our shirts since only three of us from the team showed up and Row didn't get the memo. The rest of the volunteers were UOG students for extra credit. Was fun times though — as if it was only yesterday we hung out last rather than months. Then me and Cuz joined Bri and Meg for Haagen Dazs. Raspberry sorbet. Yum. Then Buddies for a few hours. The music wasn't terrible. And I learned the name of another worker. Yay! Cool stuff. I did just sit there reading the whole time and chose music but that's normal. 

Yet another eventful week has passed me. Full of memories with laughter and fun times. So what's the problem? Why do I just want to waste my entire Saturday away, without anyone anywhere near me. Without contact from the world. Just me, myself and this extensive music playlist? Why did I want to ditch early and end up crying on the way home? As much as it could be anything, it's just so black and white to me. Like fuck, isn't that an easy answer?

"You know, whatever it is I know you'll get through it."
A quiet laugh. It's so simple. "Nothing's wrong. I just miss him."

I see your picture
I smell your skin on the empty pillow next to mine
You have only been gone ten days
But already I'm wasting away

I know I'll see you again
Whether far or soon
But I need you to know that I care 
And I miss you 

-- ZelleZ