About that sit-down talk she wanted. He was perplexed as to what she could possibly have to say but we were both curious so I'm probably going to take her up on it. 

Him: Don't follow whatever advice she has. Just keep doing what you're doing, it's working so far. My parents love you
Me: Whut?
Him: Yeah, I told you that.
Me: Noooo....I know that they like me...but you've never told me that they LOVE me
Him: Well, they love you.

And then he goes into this thing in which he gets all upset about her

Him: She doesn't try to spend a lot of time with our family, just hers
Me: It's funny though. If it were us, it'd be the exact opposite.
Him: /laughs I know
Me: Or well, except my sisters
Him: Yeah, I can see your sisters

And then in the morning, he whispered that he had to go. I rolled over and shook my head no, leaving him enough room to get up. "No?" he laughed and came closer, hovering over me. He kissed my shoulder and told me again that he had to go but again I shook my head. After a while, he laid back down. I rolled to him and put my head on his chest. "I can stay until 7:20ish", he said. I looked up at him and he pulled me in for a kiss. He left at 7:22. His arm didn't hurt my neck this time. 

And he bought me a 12-pack of Canada Dry last night. 

Well, damn.

-- ZelleZ

How much I missed in him my bed. 

Okay, so his arm behind my neck left me uncomfortable for half of the night. And he kicked off the only blanket that was keeping my feet warm. And after I moved his arm, he ended up moving it right back to where it was a few hours later. And somehow, I found Carter on the floor later. And as his arms were wrapped around me, mine were wrapped around Carter. And holy crap, cuddle, sure but MY NECK DAMNIT. -.o"

But just being able to open my eyes and see him looking over at me to whisper "good morning". That made my day. Along with getting out of school before 11 and actually eating breakfast and getting our assignment done in time and having an almost full tank and taking the best 3 hour nap I've had in fucking forever. 

And shit. When you actually say "23 months" (which was yesterday, mind you) it's kind of like wtf...you know? 

"Almost two years"
"Yup. ....hopefully, many more to come."
/enter my laughter
"Right?"
"Right."

December, you and I are pretty cool right now.

And zomg, I'm in love with this guy. 

-- ZelleZ

"....you still love me?"
"Yes."
"Okay. I'M SO SORRY."
"Yeah. You finally realize what you said?!"

Okay, so in the end he was the bigger asshole despite me being the asshole to start it all.

"That's not fucking cool"
"I'm an asshole when I want to be. I felt the situation called for it"

I was the one who said the stupid thing reactively that started it. But he was the one who did the stupid thing that ended it.

Not sure who's the actual winner. But I apologized. And he was fine being an asshole about it. Stupid me for deciding to be the bigger person. I really didn't want to apologize. -.-" But it has to happen sometime or it'll hurt something — probably a talk that might have to take place at some point. Though to be honest, my impatience about that is getting the better of me at this moment. But that's what got us into that stupid mess in the first place so....yeah, I gotta chill the fuck out.

It's a work in progress though. I told Ryan I don't expect anything overnight. So, we're going to get through whatever the fuck we need to. 

"So. Are we cool?"
"Only if you're fine with that"
"I'm fine with that"
"Then we're cool"

It's better. At the end, we're talking about mongoloids and his company's dumb form of initiation and him being all dramatic because I said I didn't care when we did the deed the first time and he's telling me that he doesn't care that he stayed on the phone for an hour longer than he was supposed to because he loves me. 

"If the shark starts to die, would you save it?"
"If it's worth saving, then I will."
"So. Vague answer because neither of us know what's going to happen?"
"Pretty much."
"Okay. New question. How do you feel about our shark?"
"It's swimming slowly but it's still alive"

Basically, he knows. He knows we have to grow. He knows how much room there is to grow. Without me saying it, he knows. And yeah, I'll say it at some point.

"Okayyyy...Do you like our shark?"
/laughs "Yeah, and its name is sharky"

Apparently. 

-- ZelleZ

So I know we're not talking right now. 

But I wanted to apologize that last night turned into what it did. You were totally an asshole. But I was definitely an asshole too. 

I hope we're cool still. 

Because I love you. 

And if we make it through this, then I know the shark's still swimming.

-- ZelleZ

I love him enough to keep holding on whenever things get rough. I love him enough to try and smile when the worst of me is starting to claw its way back into my life. I love him enough to tell him that I'm not happy right now. At this moment. Where we are. What we do. I'm not. Things have started to accumulate and suddenly, I'm telling him the story of my best friend and her first ex because I want to kick him in the face with what I feel. 

I'm not happy. After everyone left, he cornered me in the hallway to ask me what in God's name is bothering me. He wouldn't take nothing for an answer. And I could feel the concern emanating from his voice into my ears. But I could not speak.

And as he laid next to me with his eyes closed as I stared deeply into the ceiling, I inwardly whispered that I would tell him when the words came to my throat. But I can't say that they will come in the most magical form of articulation necessary. Because I don't think it ever will. 

I love him. The love I feel for and with him is barely contained by the words that I type onto this stupid keyboard. I could spend the rest of my life embraced by his love, embracing him right back with mine. But I could never spend the rest of my life unhappy. 

I do not contest his ability to make me happy, no. Of course not. 

I just contest my ability to tell him when I am not. 

I'm trying to find the galls to tell him that there is a need to move forward. And that little things bug me. And that Facebook me isn't so happy with Facebook him right now. 

But I love him. 

And I want these things to get fixed. And I don't want them to get broked. And I'm fully aware that if I don't say something then things aren't going to go anywhere and I'll continue on like this until I can't take it anymore.

I should listen to my own advice. Shouldn't I, dearest Larry?

Just now: "'A relationship, I think, is like a shark. You know? It has to constantly move forward or it dies'"
"I like that one."
"Yeah. So do I."

Facebook Status today at 12pm: "Just keep swimming, sharky"

-- ZelleZ

Him: I don't care how many kids I have.
Him:....
Him: What?
Me: Singular pronoun

Him: /laughs Okay, I don't care how many kids WE have. Better?
Me: Yes, okay. /closes eyes and looks away 
Him: Just laugh already
Me: /laughs like crazy

Sometimes. Sometimes, I like you.

-- ZelleZ

This is not a break up story. It's actually the opposite. This is the story of being together.

I had a hard time sleeping last night. Maybe it was because I knew you should've left earlier than seven in the morning. Or maybe it's because I was uncomfortable with the position the pillows were in. But I did.

I sat up with my knees pulled to my chest as you snored lightly behind me. I looked back and smiled at you as the tears started to trickle down my face. I wanted so badly just to scoot in close and nestle you in my arms but that meant I would have to lay back down. I was already restless as is and just finished telling you that there was nothing wrong. So I stayed put. 

And I thought. I couldn't help the tugging thought of an expiration date. It means nothing to me more than if this relationship doesn't continue to move forward, the shark will die. It has nothing to do with I don't love you or you don't love me or we aren't meant to be together. It has everything to do with we could live without each other. We could. It's possible. Not to say it wouldn't hurt the both of us, because of course it would. It is knowing that it is totally possible to die without your soulmate by your side. 

You could be unhappy. 
You could be content.
You could be completely happy.
All without the soul that clings to your own.

And you may not ever notice the feeling of having it missing.
Be it you've distracted yourself or you never felt it in the first place. 
But it's possible. 
I know it is.

These past few days were me trying to cope with it. 
Just knowing that it will get harder. Just knowing that the universe is going to do everything it can to rip us apart.
Just knowing that at any given time we could just up and decide that it's just too much trouble.

Because it's just so much trouble.

Love is so hard. When you find it, you expect everything to fall into place. And for a while, you believe that it has. And then later you realize that yes, it has. But then you realize that love itself is not going to hold everything together. That this love is just another piece to the puzzle. But you can't just sit around and expect it to stay there because just about anything could tear the entire picture apart. 

After the pounding in my head from thinking about all of this started to become a problem, I took a breath and tried to relax. It isn't over. It is far from over. And it may never be over. But it's not living if I keep worrying about tomorrow. [Matthew 6:34] I took another breath and started to relax. It's been a difficult few days trying to distract myself from these thoughts and I'm still trying. It's such a process but progress is progress.

"You know what your problem is? You think too much about the future. . .We have to enjoy what's happening right now. And that's being here together." [2011] 

So I punched myself in the face again and tried to get my mother's brain out of my head as I got up to down some ginger ale and grab water. 

Later, I woke up in the mood to fornicate at four in the morning and proceeded to wake you up. Shortly after I — for lack of better words —  mounted, I mumbled something about being impatient to get it in and was close to giving up. You coaxed me into relaxing and continuing. "It'll be worth it", you whispered. 

He knows your body better than you do

And perhaps that isn't the best analogy for anything. But I almost had to stop myself because I was going to cry. 

I paused for a second and the thoughts from a few hours before started racing through my brain. 

You were right.

So I carried on, carefully with patience and your guidance. And it happened and we went back to sleep, despite you babbling about having to go home and church in the morning — which I ended up not doing because my tank's almost empty and your mom isn't going.

But I'm going to continue to wonder why you didn't leave when you were supposed to. And why it wasn't until the sun was up that you stopped letting me shake my head and whisper "no" and go back to sleep when you would tell me you had to go.

Maybe I'm your mister right
Baby, maybe I'm the one you like

So damnit Ruzelle, stop worrying about everything. Quit being the control freak that you are and just let life roll out the way it needs to. Forget that you don't know what it's going to be like in five years. Forget that you used to have a plan and every inch of it mapped out. 

"I had everything planned out. I knew where I was going to be in ten years."
"And then I walked into your life."

Forget how scary it is. Because you asked for this. Because you wanted to be fearless. 

So be fucking fearless. And love your boyfriend like your life depended on it, because a little bit of it does. And you're going to hate yourself for being like this later.

So I'm moving on. I'm not going to sit here and mope about what might because because if I do, it probably will be. I'm going to finish this video and enter that festival. I'm going to hunt down my professor and slit his throat for not replying to my e-mail about withdrawing. I'm going to make tea and sometimes tacos on Wednesdays. I'm going to hug my boyfriend and smile without an afterthought when I see him at the door. I'm going to be the best ding dang Ruzelle I can — with all the works. But I can't do that if I don't move on from these recurring thoughts.

It's time to put them aside and completely mean it when I whisper the words of wisdom, "let it be".

-- ZelleZ

...there had been a singe piece of Dove chocolate sitting on the second shelf, wrapped and uneaten. It'd been there since Kayla graduated.

Tonight, I decided to treat myself to it. I figured, why not? This week had been one horrible thing after another. For each good thing that happened to me, something worse took its place. From a second rescheduling with the congresswoman to writing "the color read" in my english paper to a dentist lady who tried to kill my gums to the big kicker: my boyfriend's arrival being pushed back about a week. I hated almost every moment of it. I was tired. I was tired of all of this nonsense — all of this shit. I couldn't take it. 

So tired that I can't even fathom the words to sound more eloquent. I can't find the pretty words to mask the shit for what it really is. And perhaps I blew it all up but I don't give a damn. 

My fucking boyfriend has been gone for nine months. To work myself up to "zomg, just another week" and then get shot down halfway through? thefuck. 

I. Could. Not. Take. It. 

I fucking broke. I just cried. And cried. And cried. 

But tonight. I opened the wrapped and read the words on the wrapper and nothing could have stopped the smile that danced onto my face. 

"Be fearless. Love, Dove."

And then I remembered why I'm still here. The very reason that I could not walk away from this situation. Why I do what I do.

What being fearless was all about. Pushing through no matter what. Using all the passion I can without a care of the consequence. Knowing that nothing in the world could stop me as long as I go. Never giving up. Never giving in. Never ever ever letting anything psyche me out. My mantra and my motivation.

A reminder of the very thing that lays the foundation of my being. 

And I laughed. And I told Ryan the story of Fearless. And I cried. And I thought of him. And I smiled. And I thought of Him.

Thank you my dear God for this. This push, this reminder. Everything I needed in a little blue piece of aluminum. 

Your timing is impeccable.

"I'm laying all my cards on the table, not caring whether or not I'm playing it right."

-- ZelleZ

P.S. Wreck It Ralph is awesome, Obama fucking won like a boss, and I might have a job. All I need is my love bucket back in my arms and I'll be complete. 

Creator of Heaven and Earth. And I'm praying that I can finish this blog before the time that I'm designating to stop writing so I can actually work on this fucking paper I've been putting off.

A discussion's been looming over my head forever and I've found the need to write. During our lunch after our interview was cancelled, my groupmates and I had numerous thoughtful conversations on very controversial topics. Mind you, I made them take note that none of my conversations lack depth...and if they do, they usually make absolutely no sense. One topic was one of faith and across me sat a friend who has always seemed rather indifferent yet stands by his Roman Catholic upbringing and to my right a very dedicated and respectable young Roman Catholic. And here I sat, a girl who was born and raised in the Roman Catholic but by faith was swayed another way. I am a born again Christian and I've accepted Jesus as my personal savior. I believe that He is THE way to the Father — because he said so himself (John 14:3, KJV). 

And as I sat and pondered things I decided I needed to get things out because I hate them being trapped in my mind. 

"I think that Christians just took out things in the Bible that they didn't like."

First of all, as a Roman Catholic I* classify you as a follower of Christ — a Christian. Albeit, they aren't necessarily the same thing but the foundation of faith is the same. So next time you make that statement, please be more specific.

Second of all, that's true. But it wasn't just any Christian, it was Martin Luther. The big bad rebel of the Roman Catholic church. He removed 7 books out of the bible that was being used prior to — the Catholic Bible. However, that whole thing is kind of sketchy because the Bible is comprised of many books into one and the decision as to what books would be in it was by humans. And though the Bible generally stays the same, for each religious affiliation it is changed around; for example, leaving books or verses out or having a different order. It's kind of like, if the shoe fits to that belief they run with it and that's going to be the same for pretty much everything.

But here's what I think: I don't give a damn. I read my bible. I love my bible and I sleep with it within arms reach so that I can roll over and read it whenever I want to. It is how I get to know God and my guide to figuring out how to live life and form thought. It's my constant reminder to push forward everyday passionate, inspired and fearless. 

However, controversy about the Book and everything that surrounds it will never stop. So I can recognize that a lack of biblical basis on rituals and prayer can get...confusing on certain stances. I've never read it but I've heard that one of the deleted books accepts praying for the dead. Of course, that issue is something for a different discussion but it's a pretty prime example. They're usually in the Old Testament though which is basically the big book of controversial ideas of do's and dont's. In the OT, animals were sacrificed to God for forgiveness but we sure as hell don't do that anymore. 

But like many who are constantly getting to know their bibles better every day, I identify importance with the New Testament — the book in which our Christ comes to life and dies in order for it to be possible for us to be able to join Him in heaven.

“Do not think that I came to destroy the Law or the Prophets. I did not come to destroy but to fulfill. For assuredly, I say to you, till heaven and earth pass away, one jot or one tittle will by no means pass from the law till all is fulfilled. Whoever therefore breaks one of the least of these commandments, and teaches men so, shall be called least in the kingdom of heaven; but whoever does and teaches them, he shall be called great in the kingdom of heaven. For I say to you, that unless your righteousness exceeds the righteousness of the scribes and Pharisees, you will by no means enter the kingdom of heaven." (Matt. 5:17-20)

And it's not that I disregard the Old Testament; I don't lessen its importance but my stress lies in striving to live like Jesus, trying to follow him in every way that I can.

"But everyone who hears these sayings of Mine, and does not do them, will be like a foolish man who built his house on the sand....” (Matt 7:26)

So do what you will with your religion, with your rituals and practices. If that's how you want to show God you love Him, so be it. People like me won't agree with certain things but you can't please everyone and "everyone" doesn't matter anyway. I left Roman Catholicism because I didn't think any of it was important. I don't believe in confessing my sins to a priest or continuous and repetitive praying for reasons that won't be examined here. I believe in the importance of Jesus and his Father. I believe that it doesn't matter what church you belong to as long as you are finding your way to whole-heartedly honor Him and accept Jesus as the only way to cleanse yourself of your sins. I believe in a close and personal relationship with God. Your religion won't save you from hell, only your faith** will. And I believe it won't and never will be as easy as saying a Hail Mary. 

Believe in your church and I'll believe in mine but I don't think it matters to Him. Because in the end, it is He judges you. My dears, if you genuinely feel that he leads you throughout your faith and that you are living your life — or at least trying to and it will be OBVIOUS if you aren't — according to His will then may he continue to bless your beautiful souls. 

Live. Love. Praise.

-- ZelleZ

*and many others
**your relationship with God

Written February 2008

"There are shitloads of people out there that have it worse. Pray for them. One little prayer could help them make their lives better. They need it. Take a couple seconds to stop thinking about your little things going on right now and pray for all the people that NEED it. Forget about the bike you're saving up for. Donate it to the homeless or the salvation army. Something! There are so many people that don't care out there, but there are twice as many people that need the help. Do something about it! You're sitting on your ass reading this when you could be doing something for these people. Think about it."

http://jello-girl42.xanga.com/641307477/the-usual-numbness/

Just your reminder that if you're not going to keep your chin up for yourself, at least do it for other people. Love your own life for them at least. You owe them that much.

-- ZelleZ