I knew the pathway like the back of my hand
I felt the earth beneath my feet
Sat by the river and it made me complete

July 15, 2011: "So I sit here in the grass, the thicker grass moistening my jeans with the little rainwater left on the blades. Ants are starting to crawl all over myself and my belongings. I'm not doing much more than pick off the red ones. My hair blows in the wind as do the pages and despite being clad in nothing but my tank top, I do not feel the least bit cold."

There wasn't a river. But the ocean was close and the sound of the waves crashing down and the feel of the wind on my face comforted me. It helped me to relax. It helped me to move on with myself. It stung so much to do it — to go there. But I felt like I had to. I felt like I needed to be there. That day was a nod from God to keep going. To keep believing. To walk on and hold myself together until he came back. And he came back. And by this point of the break up, I didn't doubt it. I didn't doubt we would come back. And he didn't doubt that he wouldn't. 

I came across a fallen tree
I felt the branches of it looking at me
Is this the place we used to love?
Is this the place that I've been dreaming of?

January 15, 2011: "We're rolling around in the grass, laughing and talking. And unfortunately, a few things that Megan wouldn't do."

"And though it's all so different, it's so oddly similar." 

The memories got to me. And after hours of not being able to sleep too long because I dream of him and hours of me questioning what the hell I got myself into, I found myself thinking back to this time. I wanted to get out of the house, just get out and try and get myself to feel again. Try and get myself to stop being angry and stop feeling like I wasted two good years of my life to amount to nothing. But then, I started to long for that place. And I started to remember the day I was there. And I started to remember why I ended up there because it was the place we loved. 

It was the place where to you told me for the very first time that you loved me. And I remember the look on your face when you did it. And I remembered how I felt. And I remember when I told you about that day, you told me that you didn't want me to have to ever go there and feel that way again. And I broke. And I remember why I did that. And I remember why I'm still here. And I remember why I asked him to stay with me and to try and fix what this is. 

"But I could not be more certain of this feeling. I will never be more certain that I love him. Because the tears are starting to spill out onto my keyboard. And my heart is pounding almost as hard as his does on a regular basis (he has a REALLY strong heartbeat). And my chest is welling up. And I can't imagine not being with him. And I want him to be around me as long as I can. And he trusts me, knowing full well about my crappy history and the way I treated Joseph. And the way he doesn't get angry when I go on about Jeremy because he's still fresh in my mind. And the way he smiles and kisses me to make me shut up when he does start to get angry about everything the asshole put me through. And he really does make me feel like he wouldn't let anything in the world hurt me, including himself."

But he hurt me. He did. So many times. With the same excuse every time. And this final time, I wouldn't let him have it. I wouldn't let him get away with destroying everything I tried to keep. 

And the thing is he knows he hurt me. And there's a part of me that still believes it's still there. That some part of him still lingers for me. That a chunk of the reason why he's backing away is because he knows how much he's hurting me and how much he has hurt me, and he doesn't want to hurt me. Somewhere in there, he still cares for me. Or he wouldn't have agreed. Somewhere in there, he still loves me. If I just find the right way to get there and reignite the fire.

Oh simple thing where have you gone?
I'm getting old and I need something to rely on
So tell me when you're gonna let me in
I'm getting tired and I need somewhere to begin

That love was real. That kind of love was sweet and genuine and strong and the best kind of love that there was. And you knew, you knew it was there. But we went about it wrong a lot of times and wasted a lot of time. 

I can't believe I wasted so much time scared of the fire dying to appreciate that it was even there. He can tell me that I've done nothing wrong as much as he wants but I know what I did wrong. And that was doubt us when I did. It was my lack of fearlessness. I killed a part of us because of that. Because I know I refused to get too close. I may have put my heart out for him but I know I didn't help by flipping out every time I didn't need to. No guy should have to sit and reassure his girlfriend every other day. I was silly. 

But no guy should start pushing his girlfriend away every time he thinks the going is getting tough. No guy should start to scare himself off and then turn it into uncertainty. No guy should turn his other half away when she tries to get in. No guy should withhold information from her to try and fix it for everyone. He was stupid. 

And I know we, together, we're killing Sharky. Together, we haven't done enough to keep him alive. We didn't help him swim. We kept abandoning him. And we kept putting him in the back of a tank whenever we were too busy or not in the mood and especially because we were too scared. I know that...that was the both of us. I just spend so much time complaining about him or being scared of him to point out that the way I am — though called for at certain times — were not helping keep our baby alive.

And now, today, I want Sharky to live. And I see where we both went wrong and I just have to hope and pray that this works. That we can get through this and that we can become better to each other and ourselves and to the One who even brought us together in the first place.

January 2011: "And though it's all so different, it's so oddly similar. And I can't help but think that God wanted it this way. All these random occurrences led me to him, like he wanted me to be. It feels almost as if he wanted us there and then for every single time we met. Every single circumstance sort of fell into place. Every single moment we had together was caused by something else."

And if you have a minute why don't we go
Talk about it somewhere only we know?
This could be the end of everything
So why don't we go
Somewhere only we know?

July 2011: "Earlier I had just been lying down, staring at the sun (through shades of course because I can't damage my eyes anymore than they are). The timing of everything today is impeccable. The sun had started to shine as I walked here to this very spot and is progressively starting to shine brighter. I don't foresee any rain anytime soon, making it all too perfect for me to write. I see this as a nod of approval by God. Yes, I should be here at this moment. That or at least an "okay" but I'd rather have my mindset on the former. White clouds. How nice."

That day, God led me there. And before that, God led me to him. And now, I'm counting on God to hold us together if he wills it. Because I trust Him. And I trust that if there is anyone who can fix us, who can help us it is Him. No one else. Because he did this to us. He brought us here. He did that for a reason and I don't know what it is but I have to have patience and I have to stop being in such a hurry and I need to relax like I should've when Coyce asked me to. I need to know why He did this to me. In order for this, for things to work the best way it can, the two of us need to work together. But, Lord God, we need YOU. We need You for this. Only in You can we truly hold together; [Col. 1:17]. 

I don't know if that's what you want for us — for us to stay together — but I'm praying for us. And I'm asking fellow believers to do it with me, too. I remember, saying to Megan last year that I think year three might call for spiritual growth or dealing with something spiritual. This is the biggest thing we might have do. I don't know how this will end. But I know if we can make it through, it is because He allowed it and because he has brought us together. 

And there's so much to say and so little room to write it here and so little time to say it there. But I only pray that this works, the best way that it possibly can. I don't want to go back to who we've been and I don't want to be bitter. I want to get better, for us and for the Lord. 

Father God, answer my silly little plea. 

Bring us to that place that we need to resurrect ourselves and be who we need to be and grow where we need to grow and lead us to the places we need to go. 

Somewhere only we know?

-- ZelleZ

January blog: "Two years ago today, I was waltzing into Chamorro class..."

July blog: "Enter Isolation Chamber -- a place only you understand"

I just really want to break up with him. Honestly.

It isn't anything personal. I love him. I love him with all my heart and I would do anything for him within my grasp.

Just sometimes, I want to shove us in a corner and only deal with it when I feel like it.

It is just so freaking hard.

Sometimes, it's just too much to handle or is taking too much of a toll on me for me to want to deal with. I'd like to just get shit done without thinking about him, or us or hankering for the next time I can call him out on his bullshit because balancing the two can be a pain. Try typing up articles when you're waiting until your boyfriend isn't too tired or working to tell him that he's being an asshole in the most productive way possible. It's just hard to put in the back of your mind, because pressing the pause button would clear you up to get things out of the way. And it just is so hard to wait around for a person to come back, physically or emotionally. And stressful. He stresses me out to no end. And I am a demanding, high maintenance kind of girl.

But it doesn't work like that. You don't just shove your relationship in the corner because you don't like it for a day or two or three. You don't get to skip to the good parts of the movie. No, you don't get that. You can't just call it quits because you're scared or just not in the mood for it or too frustrated. Because you risk throwing away something that could be. I can't throw that away. I can't throw away the boy who sleepishly reassures me that he'll see me tomorrow when I didn't ask. Who tells me that the only reason he'd want me to hang up is because of how tired he is. Who tells me that he's sorry for hurting me when all I did was get pissed at him. Who lets me go back to sleep when he wakes up too early and comes back hours later to wake me up with kisses or tickles, and a smile either way. Who, with as much effort and compromise, takes the time to maintain me.

I told you, impatience bites. Impatience for growth. To see him. For next year. Impatience.

And yet I still wait. And still, I will wait. For this stupid, stupid boy.

Why?

Because, I am his silly, silly girl.

And I would never break up with him unless I absolutely had to.

Because I'm not the stupid one (just silly).

-- ZelleZ

Not that I'm more amused by the little things or more flattered by them. This isn't a big things vs. little things post. And really, who gives a double damn? People show people how they love people in different ways, also sometimes depending on the people. There's no formula. Get with it.

Anyway no matter what he's doing to tell me that he does, I always appreciate it. Because let's face it, he wouldn't do a majority of the things he does if he didn't; which I really need to remind myself every day. So yeah, when annoyingly yells that he loves me to make tense times not tense or buys my favorite Gatorade and retracts his offer to let me play DDR because I'm about to pass out from dehydration or buys a particular pack of gum specifically because it has pineapple flavor and pineapples are my favorite fruit, I'm going to grin like a complete dumbass. 

And if it weren't for the fact that he actually bought the fucking gum for that reason or the fact that evertime he took a piece out he'd hand one to me, I wouldn't have even chewed gum. I try not to chew gum. It's a frustrating process for me that I don't feel like explaining. 

"If it weren't for you, I'd be home sleeping"
"I'm sorry, what?"
"I had to feed you."
"Because?"
"Because I have to take care of you."
"Because you're my responsibility?"
"Why??"
"Because you're my girlfriend."
"You're dumb."

Yes, yes I did egg him on during that last bit.

-- ZelleZ

I know you're upset. And I know what you're saying.

I want to tell you that I'm sorry that I didn't say anything five years ago. I'm sorry about the mess that I made from keeping it from you.

But I'm not sorry for what I'm doing. It isn't about you. It isn't about you people.

It is all about Him. 

You say that in the eyes of the Lord that I will always be Catholic because I was baptized that way. 

I disagree. It doesn't matter what you do. You could write your religion on your faces and it won't matter at all. 

You can't just say that you're with the Lord and not walk with Him. 

I'm not walking the Catholic way. I can not be a Catholic. 

I can never be a Catholic. I was never a Catholic.

You make your decision. Because I've made mine. 

And no priest or nun or CCD teaching godmother can change it.

The only person who can change my heart is the Lord and until He says stop, I cannot.

I love my God more than I love you. I hope you never hate me for it. Because I love you anyway.

"Anyone who loves his father or mother more than me is not worthy of me" Mat. 10:37

-- ZelleZ

5 of which were spent on painful emotion.

I'd been in a bad mood the day before, Tuesday to be exact. I'm not totally sure what it was but he didn't exactly help with the conversation about him coming over. In he end, he gave in. And for about two hours, we made no physical contact. We watched Switched at Birth. And then I continued to work on my "mind-blowing" description on the human mind, while he watched TV. At some point, he had fallen asleep. This left me to finish up what I was doing and prepare the house and myself for beddy-bye. So I did. And I watched an episode of FRIENDS. And then I laid down next to him and shut my eyes. He was laying in his 50% and I was lying in mine. And as I was finally getting myself mentally ready to drift off, I felt his arm on top of my head. He nudged me with it a couple of times and I lifted myself up. Then all of a sudden, we were both in his 50%. He had me tightly cocooned in his arms, the way I usually hold Carter when I sleep. So I nestled myself in his arms and slept. 

The next morning, we were found on the two computers. Myself catching up on T.V. shows and he was listening to all kinds of music. At 10, he left. At 11 came the text that basically turned the world upside-down for the next few hours.

"You still love me?"
"Idk"
"Yeah, okay."

And here came the panic. I started to analyze his mood and responses for the last 48 hours. I recalled how passionately he sang Little Lion Man and how he pointed to me when he sang "it was your heart on the line". I couldn't handle it. I couldn't bother. I couldn't do this over again. I was caught in a mess of confusion and irritation and flashbacks from two years ago. All without responses from him when I tried to get an answer as to what was going on. So I did the only thing I could: I ran to Yayu. I told him what happened and I spent two hours at his house in tears, while he tried to console me and get me to think about the possibility that it was a total misunderstanding. The very thought of it not being what it was was blasphemous to me; there is no way I'm going to let me get my hopes up. At 2, I left for school. At 5, I was back at his place picking him up for Tea Time. 

For the next few hours, I listened to a variety of songs from Beside You to Arms to Little Lion Man while I prepared dinner (with the help of the others). In the meanwhile, I held it together. I was not going to let this affect me. I was going to roll with the punches. I was going to let it be. Because there was no way in hell I was going to let anything get in the way of who I was and what I needed to do — even though who I am is someone who wants to be with this guy for the rest of my life. So I put my hands to work, deciding that it was time for the hiatus to be over. I feel like the chicken didn't get marinated long enough, though, because it was kind of bland and should have had a stronger taste...unless it was just that particular piece. 

Then came the text that read that he was coming over. And I ignored it, until he asked if it was okay. 

So as I fed the dog, he waltzes in the house. I had sad glimmer in my eyes, with a tinge of happiness at the fact that he even decided to show. I followed him back into the kitchen so I could check on the chicken, and he drank from my juice...again. As I neared him, he gave me a kiss and told me he fell asleep.

I said okay. 

He said "of course, I still love you"

I said "oh my god"

And then he held me. And then I cried. 

I told him it wasn't funny. He told me he'd done it before. I told him that he'd never done with through text. He told me that was true. I told him I went to Ryan's house and cried. He told me I was silly. And I think he might've apologized but I forget. 

During the shower later that night, I told him that he shouldn't reply to a question like that. He told me that I shouldn't ask questions that I already know the answer to. 

And last night, he slept well. We were in my 50% this time. And he stretched his arm out and handed me Carter right before I laid down. I gave him a small smile to which he replied, "What? I know how you sleep. Hugging Carter and using my arm as a pillow."

And I was supposed to take him to the Guard Center to work on his survey thingies (and then we were going to like chill or whatever after he was done) before he decided he was tired of being there. 

But he told me he loved me. Several times. 

And I told him that I had been forward to seeing him later. And he told me that he was too.

-- ZelleZ

Skype was open? Not sure who was skyping.

Jean, and all the guys came over. She was talking about when I was coming back and how I have the power to come back earlier and was asking me to come home earlier.

I said I could try and arrange to come back on the 2nd if I leave on the 1st, I said this in hushed tones because of I did this then I didn't want Coyce to know. 

Then there was talk of food, Jean said she wanted to go to Von's. I looked at Coyce and I asked if I had to drive and he flipped me off while shaking his head no. 

Cue a conversation that I didn't anticipate to end past 1 o'lock. I intended to be in bed by 1230. Well, when Coyce and I start talking about things and music and us and things, conversation doesn't die too quickly. Of course, for like the first time I've ever been on the phone here I was the one who said I was going to go and sleep. Sometimes, it doesn't occur to me just how stress-free this relationship is compared. For the first time, there were no fights, no me getting irritated, no whispered yelling or frustrated tears. Just mellow conversation and intense conversation and all kinds of implied love.

His mom: Guess what you forgot in his car. 
Me: Uhh....I have no idea....
Her: It jingles.
Me: /goes to check my bag.... MY KEYS?!?!
Her: Right on the dot! You forgot your keys!
Me: WHAAAT?! HOW DID THAT HAPPEN!?!?!

Later.

Me: I can't believe I forgot my keys...
Him: I know why you left your keys in my car
Me: Oh really?
Him: Yup. So I could be the one to pick you up from the airport.
Me:.....yes. You're right. I had it planned all along. I can't believe you found me out.
Him: Yup.
Me: SERIOUSLY, THOUGH! I TOTALLY DIDN'T KNOW!
Him: MMMMHMM. Ta'lo fan.

I went four full days thinking that I had my keys in my bag this entire time. -.-"

Me: Hey...
Him: Yeah. 
Me: I love you.
Him: Why?
Me: I don't know.
Him: Why?
Me: Why don't I know?
Him: Yeah.
Me: Because I don't.
Him: Why?
Me: I don't know.
Him: Why?
Me: I DON'T KNOW. I DIDN'T ASK FOR THIS. DO I LOOK LIKE I EXPECTED IT?! I DIDN'T. I HADN'T INTENDED FOR ANY OF IT TO HAPPEN. I MADE PROMISES TO MYSELF AND THEN GOD BASICALLY SAID "NO, I DON'T THINK SO."
Him:...I love you too.
Me: .....
Him: You could've kept them even then.
Me: Yeah...well...it just would've been easier to do it if I didn't have that. I wouldn't have to think about anything. 

Anyway, I recently realized that our anniversary's on a fucking Wednesday. Damnit. Oh well.

-- ZelleZ

There's just something so cool about being able to look outside your window and see stars staring you right in the face. 'Course that stupid blinking light throws everything off but it's just so nice. I want to just jump out and start flying through the space. 

Flight to Houston. I've no idea how much time I have left (my clock is still set to CST) but if my estimates ring true, we should be touching ground in another hour or so. That is, under the assumption that I'm getting the time difference right. I can't wait to be able to see the sun again. Not going to be the same as Guam sun but it means I'm almost there and I can't wait to get off this damn plane.

Cough's not as frequent now. Nose is super runny and I feel like I need to wash my face because my eyes are tearing a whole lot. Wish I brought a handkerchief too. Random person in the seat to my left. Carter squished into the armrest. Can't figure out whether or not I'm hungry. "Fingerprints" playing right now. 

It's 9PM and I wonder if the time would have flown by so quickly if I were home. Probably not. The name of the plane ride game is to make time pass as quickly as you can. When it drags on, it DRAGS ON. 

I had a dream on the flight to Honolulu. He was in the seat next to me. I woke up because I needed to pee or something and he got out of the way so I could go. Then I actually woke up. 

Zomg. Now tears are super stinging my eyes. IT BURNS. I have to thank him, though, for spending the last 12 hours with me. After I flipped out for him having plans to go to the gym (which he later said "k i won't go" to). After checking me in (and the useless phone call that I gave away a password for). After Clem dropping off the sketch that you saw a picture of but have no idea what it's for (thought I closed the freakin thing). After Megan coming over to get the keys and help me with the creature list. After Soap coming in and occupying my time so I could get her ready for bed (she freaked out a bit before she fell asleep because she was alone and started crying for me; "awww, just go. 'mommy! mommy!"). After my freak out about my dad that resulted in me brooding over it for longer than I needed to ("relax. Stop thinking about it"). After my reflexive pout when he told me that he wouldn't walk me in (thanks for walking me in baby dao). 

"Will you miss me?"
"Nope."
"Oh okay. That's fine."
"Of course I will, silly girl"

Lolol. On the way to the airport, I took a glance at the lavender & orange sunrise and couldn't help but smile. 

"Only on Guam," he said referring to the fact that a certain portion of the road was dry despite it having rained just a minute before.

I motioned at the sky. "That too."

And I proceeded to tell him of a conversation I had with Yayu the other night.I spoke about not appreciating the island. It is my home, I said. I have so much pride for Guam because this is where I came from. "But I never fully appreciated it for what it is." Yayu said to me that it's because of the thought of all the opportunity waiting beyond the sand. But then I said that "at some point, you learn to appreciate the fact that there is sand in the first place." At some point, I realized that this is my second chance of living on Guam. I refuse to take it for granted this time. 

As I settled myself into my seat for this flight, I overheard people behind me talking about how beautiful Guam is. I couldn't help but smile. And I wanted to burst out that I couldn't agree more. Anyone who says that there is no opportunity or that there is nothing to do or that the place is ugly as hell is sadly mistaken. Anyone who has lived there their whole lives and can still say that has been walking around with eyes closed. 

I can see the lights down on the mainland from up here. I'm going to miss seeing the stars while I'm gone.

I love Texas. While I'm on the way, I feel like I'm going home. It is my home away from home. I can't be homesick there. I'm surrounded by friends, family, and all kinds of awesome things.

But around a year ago, I realized that there really is no place like home. Guahu ginen i Guåhan. And I will never forget that. 

So until January beautiful ocean, friends, skies, food and love. 

At least, assuming the world doesn't end. 

-- ZelleZ

P.S. I saw the sun rising on the way to Houston. I saw the gradient from bright red to pale blue. But it was nothing compared to what I saw on the way to the airport back home. 

He's actually so ridiculously far from perfect that it hurts. He's so. fucking. frustrating. He's too often clueless. He can be such a mannequin. He takes the joke a little too far. He's stubborn and a little too prideful. He doesn't always deal with my anger the right way. Sometimes he doesn't pay me any attention at all. He tells me "go ahead and think that" when all I want to hear is "you're being stupid. shut up." He says things purely because he wants me to learn how to lighten up or learn my lesson. 

But he calls me up in the middle of the day to take me out to a movie because twenty three months is much longer than we expected to be together — especially since we never expected to be together in the first place. He drops me off orange juice in the middle of the night when I'm already sleeping because I feel sick. He buys me two cuddly stuffed animals because of the way I hug them in a toy store. He humors me when I'm being silly. He kisses me gently when we're cuddling. He brings over the Xbox on occasions that he finds appropriate for me to GOW. And he volunteers himself without words to take me to the airport when I leave on Tuesday morning. He does what he needs to when it matters most. 

He's not perfect. He's not even imperfectly perfect. He isn't anything special. He isn't the best damn boyfriend in the world. 

But he's all him and he's all mine. 

So who gives a fuck about perfect anyway?

-- ZelleZ

To be walking down the stairs of a mall with my boyfriend, proclaiming my love for Christmas — because this season gives me the "feel goods" that only Christmas can give me. And then he responds saying that he doesn't love nor hate Christmas. Why? Because it's not celebrated for its actual reason. I make a full stop on the stairs and the biggest smile graces my lips. "Oooooooooh," is the only thing I can say. And he looks up at me. "I'm more Christian than most people think," he responds and continues to walk down the stairs. I laugh and follow him down, telling him that I know that. And I didn't stop because I was shocked or perplexed. I stopped because I loved that. Absolutely loved that. I could not even express how much I loved that. Stuff like that excites me. 

I, too, love my God more than most people think. You just have to ask about it. 

I thank Him for my every day, for every word that I write and for every green light that I get on the road. How can I not? 

And He never ceases to amaze me. NEVER. 

It amazes me how people can walk away from him. To be blown away by things of the world, even when they once seemed like it wasn't possible. It's amazing how people with faiths so strong, stagger and stumble. It's amazing to find yourself a month behind on devotionals and reading your bible because school whisks you away for a little too long. That faith can push people to such extremes that they forget the reason we believe in the first place; and then we forget to stop loving things. 

Why do I love Christmas? Because so many people are happy and actually appreciate life and each other during Christmas — and not because of the gifts. That gives me the feel goods. 

If you know what my greatest wish is, you would understand that. Like I said earlier to him, "I love everything" and it's because I feel it's right.

Does God not love this world despite it? I think it'd be silly to say no. After all, He did give His son for it. [John 3:16]

And THAT is what I find the most amazing. That no matter what we do, no matter how lost we get, no matter how far we walk away He will still be waiting us with arms wide open. It's such a beautiful thing because that kind of unconditional love is so impossibly rare. It's a love that no other can give you, trust me. I know there can never be anything more satisfying. It doesn't mean you can keep walking away, not giving a damn. If you really love Him, you will do everything in your power to stay; which isn't easy, mind you. And He will take care of the rest.

He's my love, my strength, my buddy, my everything and anything. You know what else? I'm pretty sure that He'll always love me more. 

-- ZelleZ