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  • The bro-zone

    It's a thing I do and have done for as long as I can remember. I don't like to put gender labels on people and see people as people and hang out with people accordingly. Of course, it just so happens that majority of those people are male — because females are wayyyy too prissy in my experience for me to even bother with them. However, once in a blue moon do I ever consider one of my male posse (I fly straight 'cause I'm Christian like that) interesting enough for my affections. I just don't. I can't even really explain to you how it works because I don't fully understand it myself but I don't care for romance the way that other girls do. You see them flirting or swooning for one guy after the next but I'm one of those feminist "independent women who don't need no man". I like taking care of myself; I like feeling capable. Mostly because I like being someone to rely on. 

    But here's my thing: I've basically got a wang. I am a bro. It took one too many years for high school friends to get it and I only hope that my college friends don't need to take that amount of time. I have always gotten crap for hanging out with too many guys or one guy — some people think just because you're good friends that there's something going on. But I like being a bro. I like being one of the guys. I'm not afraid of ruining friendships or any of that bullcrap girls like to pull out. No. I just like being one of the guys and I don't see why that should ever mean that we should get together at some point...like, would you date your brother? That's incest. Srsly. I LIKE being a BRO. And it would be so much less complicated if I didn't have to dance around the feelings of people I care about. 

    Once in a blue moon I will go gay for one special guy who grabs my attention enough for me to hold on to it. A small percentage of people aren't in that bro-zone.....which is borderline no one....

    But there's another reason for this. Other than the fact that I've got ginormous male parts (Seriously, people who know me: if you're reading this....get with it. I'm never interested and nothing you can do or say will make me interested. This is not a challenge. Stop now.), I have big brother issues. Angie once mentioned me always going to Sal first before going to the girls and it's because of that. I have big brother issues. I've always known this. 

    My brother is a dead-beat, broken promise, worse than my father kind of guy who I was never able to rely on. As a kid, he hated me. To this day, he probably still hates me even though he knows I would drop anything for him if he really needed me. So for as long as I can remember, I have been in search for that one big brother I can always rely on whenever I could. Who would take care of me and make sure that I was taken care of. 

    Once upon a time, it was my lifetime and longtime bro who I've known since I was just a wee one. But he turned down a path in which I could no longer respect him. And as much as I love him and know he loves me, he has become just another dead-beat broken promise that I didn't expect to get fulfilled. 

    Next came the princess. This time around was better. He does take care of me and he does make sure I'm all good. But we've been a little distant due to conflicting schedules and while he would drop anything for me, he just didn't fit the part as fully as I wanted. It was nothing that he did but he's more of that just barely older brother or just about the same age brother who you bicker with all the time.

    No, I needed a big brother who would be my fortress when the world goes to shit. The person who legitimately knows better from seeing the world around him. Who will take care of me and makes sure I get taken care of. Who will make sure that no one hurts his little sister and who will go out of the way to comfort her with trivial things like cookies and Gatorade. Who keeps me grounded and even with my resistance (and eventual opposing sides), finds his way into reasoning with me. And there is so much more that he does for me than I could ever explain. 

    Yayu, you provide me with so much more than I could ever ask for. And you have completely filled that spot that I always forgot needed filling. And with stability at that.

    I did. I found my big brother.

    The future scary uncle whose snake-pit I will threaten my kids with when they misbehave.

    -- ZelleZ

     

  • I need a break. Probably.

     

    Okay, so I have a huge list of things that needs taking care of. Some of them are just for the summer, some of them for the next year and some of them for the rest of my life? I have a crapton of goals and my days are filled with crap that need taking care of. Hopefully today (Thursday now) offers me the ability to not have to worry about anything but it'd be nice for someone to plan something once in a while without me having to worry about it...but I guess that was always my job. It was never strenuous until now.

    So this is my life for the summer that I know of:

    • Summer classes (2 + internship)
    • Work for Sea Grant
    • Work for GIFF 
    • Letters to You
    • Work on script for Don's thing
    • Make billions (different context)
    • Get my laptop fixed
    • Capstone Program change proposal 
    • WWII
    • Avoid sickness in all ways
    • Keep on Christian-ing on

    People talk about taking breaks. Goodness gracious, it just seems so daunting because I just got out of hell week at school. I'm sure with the correct planning and God's grace I can get through this without blowing my brains out or stressing myself out to the point of no return. 

    In the meanwhile, I need to find time to unwind a little bit. It seems that I really need it right now. I've never really ever had the word "relax" in my vocabulary but it looks like I'm going to have to find the time to. Stress isn't good for anyone and I do need my rest once in a while. I told Ryan that I just keep getting busier and busier and stuff keeps getting thrown at me in all directions. 

    Here's to prayers for not only the ability see all my projects through but also the ability to not just find time to relax but to legitimately sit back and relax and not worry about tomorrow "for the morrow shall take thought for the things of itself". 

    -- ZelleZ

  • Promise Rings

    [Written May 3rd, 2013]

    In my junior year of high school I was given a promise ring with a heart shaped crystal. It didn't fit around my finger so I kept it on a chain for about a day before I saw that it irritated my skin. The ring itself did too. So I kept it on my cow cellphone holder.  

    Later on in that year, when I started to see someone else but before anything was official I found it on my cellphone holder and threw it across the mall parking garage out of bitterness from all the promises that had been broken (which is a story I never finished writing way back when). I saw it shine for a second before disappearing into the night. I, purposely not having my glasses on, didn't care to see it land. He, knowing where it did, asked what it was before volunteering to go get it. "Promise ring," I told him and he didn't move and we changed the subject. 
     
    Today, more than two years later, I was asked about the ring I wear around my right hand ring finger. I have been asked this a lot since I got it and I always get a little awkward when I talk about it and until today, I never really talked about why I wear it. 
     
    "Ruzelle, is that a promise ring?" asked the lead role of our short film as I dabbled on my laptop. 
     
    I laughed and answered, "sort of, not really." 
     
    "Did your boyfriend give it to you?" 
    "No."
     
    And so I not only proceeded to explain that I no longer had a boyfriend but also the gist of what this ring is to me — not in that order. The former was only explained because my lead camera pointed out that I also always wear my yellow ribbon.
     
    "It's a knot ring. So a lot of people use it as a promise ring and many assume that it's because of the person I had been with the last couple of years but I don't."
     
    Yes, I bought this ring because for some reason I felt like I needed to. But it isn't because of him. I think he's the one person who never asked about it, just liked to stare at it and play with it while it was on my finger. 
     
    But really, why the hell would I buy a ring that promises me to someone for myself? That's sadder than Megan's life.
     
    "It's a reminder to never give up."
     
    My promise ring is a promise to myself and to God to never let anything psyche me out to being the person I need to and was meant to be. To live my life without fear of whatever may come. To be fearless. To always push forward. To push for my passions no matter what the cause is. That nothing, not even myself, is worth compromising for what I love most and that would be God, him, my friends, sisters, and my work. I do not live for myself but for the God who I serve, the friends whom I love and the works of my hands. And that is more than enough for me.
     
    And the slim silver ring around my finger is my constant reminder that such passions will never end and never should and should never be put down and always worked for.
     
    When I die, I don't want people to remember who I am. Just what I did.  
     
    -- ZelleZ
     

  • Ryan asked me....

    When the last time was that I wrote for myself. 

    And I laughed because it was when I wrote "And sometimes you get phone calls at 2am" (private blog), which I hadn't realized until now was more than a week ago. It just seems so silly for me to have to run here every time my mind goes astray. But you know, journaling everything I think — from bad thoughts to good ones — has always helped me keep track of my mental state. But I just felt like I shouldn't have to continue to run here. I felt like it's all I do and I always seem to get lost here.

    But he was right. I seem to be better off whenever I write, no matter the occasion. Whether it's just embracing life as is or throwing a tantrum about it. It seems so silly to not write when things aren't going right. After all, that's what I've always done. Who am I to tell myself not to?

    What is a writer without a couple of sheets of paper and a pen? A frazzled mind and a lost soul, wondering when she'll ever pick herself up again. God gave me the ability to write and I have to use it. I'm part of the Guam Writers Collective, anyway. So might as well. 

    So here I am, reading through the quotes on writing in the GWC. Among my favorites are:

    "Better to write for yourself and have no public, than to write for the public and have no self." -Cyril Connolly 

    Sometimes, you forget why you do things to begin with and you start to lose passion for things and when you do that, you are left with nothing. And while I have the jobs I do out of passion and to build my resumé, I have to remember why I do it to begin with. That these little pieces I write are more than just to inform people but to evolve my style into something that could be more beautiful than the world an imagine. 

    "Live, travel, adventure, bless, and don't be sorry." - Jack Kerouac 

    Steve said "don't be sorry when you're making art". Which of course makes sense to me. I write because I like it not to please other people. Don't be sorry, and don't think twice. Don't worry about what you're putting out there. Silly me. Write without regrets, I always say. Because what you write in that moment is as raw and as real as the feeling is. Even if you look back and wonder what the hell you were thinking later, at least you know that you were being honest. And really, what better than raw honesty? 

    "We write to taste life twice. In the moment and in retrospect." -Anais Nin

    Whenever I see or hear things happen in front of me, my first instinct is to write. I just want to be able to look back and visualize it in my head, no matter what the situation is. Close my eyes (except I can't do that when I read) and really feel what the words are trying to tell me. From the way his eyes glimmer whenever he talks about something he's excited about to the way to the way her arms become like jello whenever she's trying to explain something. I want others to see what I'm seeing and be able to see it over and over and over again the way the greatest books do. 

    "You make me want to write my words onto the paper like paint onto a canvas, the prose just as vivid as the colors dancing on the paper. " — Inspired, 2011

    And maybe part of my old inspiration is fleeting and has frustrated me to the point of stunting inspiration, it doesn't mean that it isn't there. Inspiration is wherever I find it. No matter what I write about. Whether it be how much I fear my mother taking herself out before anyone else can. The story of the greatest Love the world has ever seen. Or the tingling sensation of the way that the light kisses my nose whenever I look at the sun. 

    I don't know what has been making me afraid to write but this is getting silly. 

    I've had enough of a lot of things. I am one of those things. I am done here.

    But I am never done writing. 

    -- ZelleZ

     

  • Let's go then.

    Let's run away, even for a little while.

    Let's clean house. Let's appreciate the day that The Good Lord gives us and rejoice in nothing but there and then. Let's pretend to know everything and nothing all at the same time. 

    Let's stop saying and start doing. Let's stop letting the rest of the world get in the way. Let's face it — the world keeps giving us headaches. 

    Let's go to places we've been before and pretend like they don't make us weird from memories that have nothing to do with each other — like we have never been there.

    Come on, girl. I'm jonesing. Jonesing for anything but the places we've been. 

    Let's figure out the places we're going. 

    Even if we believe it only for a second.

    Because we know where we're going.

    And that place is nowhere near here.

    -- ZelleZ

    P.S. NO RELAPSING. For either of us! Those are the kind of people we (and the rest of the world) don't need.

  • I don't know.

    There are a whole lot of "I don't know"s here. Whether it's I don't know what to do. Or I don't know what I want. Or I don't know what you want. Or I don't know what I need. Or I don't know what is going to happen. There is a whole lot of not knowing. For almost everyone here. Everyone who has some sort of connection to me at this moment. I don't know.

    And I know I can't ever say anything — most anything — for certain. I can tell you that I will love him for the rest of my life because true love never ends and the love I have for him is true to the bone in any sense of the word that you can take it. It isn't about wanting to be with him, no — which is another "I don't know". It's a selfless, unconditional and caring kind of love. It's a love in which I say that I will always care for him the way I will always care for most people. I know that the love I have for him will never die and I feel it fully and wholly in my heart and know that God has blessed that love I have. 

    I can't say that I will never leave and I can't say he'll never stay. I can't say that you will never move past this. And I can't say she will never fall. And I can't say "no, Joanna, we are never getting back together" and I still laugh thinking about him asking if I expected that. Honestly, I don't know what to expect. We can say whatever we say as much as we want. We can make all the promises we want to ourselves. We can tell each other that we are never going to end up together. We can always say we know what we're doing. 

    Thing is. God has this fancy way of saying "uhm, yeah, no I don't think so."

    And as much as that could stress out the next guy, it doesn't stress me out nearly as much. I don't know what's going to happen in a year from now like I thought I did. I used to have it "all figured out" like you think you do. I used to want to run from this place and forget it all the way you do. But the funny thing is that no matter where we run, He's always going to bring us back home. And it's the most thrilling thought I've ever thought. The idea that even though I don't have it all figured out, I know He does and it's so reassuring because Father knows best.  

    So whether or not you end up writing books about something you discovered or she ends up picking herself up and living a life I will be proud of or he finally finds his place in this world or we end up living the rest of our lives without the other by our sides, I know that the outcomes of everything will be for the best. Because I know it is ALL in HIS hands. 

    Because though there are so many things that God isn't telling us that He has in store, at least we know that whatever it is will be absolutely and positively amazing. 

    All we have to do is trust.

    And eat your bible. Every day. 

    "No bible, no breakfast"

    -- ZelleZ

    [Ate Mia, you are the epitome of God's work. You never wasted your life and you didn't look too far down no matter what He bestowed upon you. You lived specifically to glorify Him. You are the strongest person I know. You never wavered in your faith no matter what happened to you. You never questioned that He would take care of you and that He would do what was best. You are loved and missed and will serve as an inspiration for years to come. You definitely did your job here and I know your passing is not in vain. Too many hearts have been touched for that.

    The heavens just received the most amazing person I've ever met and we know they're never giving her back — we wouldn't want to either. I bet the view is amazing. Until the day I get to share it with you, love always, your mini-me] 

  • For crying fucking out loud.

    I. Am. So. Fucking. Pissed. Off. 

    At everything. Oh my crap. 

    HOW THE HELL DID I FUCKING DO THIS BEFORE?!

    I look back at myself and I'm freaking the fuck out at how well I controlled it. I graced the world with a smile and yet you could still see the bitter look in my eyes. 

    I've been trying to keep it under control all fucking day but it's not working. I fucking slept trying to ignore it. Oh my crap, I'm doing exactly what I shouldn't be doing. Listening to all the hard stuff, trying to bang the monsters out of my head as if the constant rocking back and forth really would get them out of there. I'm so angry right now. And it's not necessarily anything in particular. It really is fucking everything. EVERY. FUCKING. THING. I DON'T UNDERSTAND WHAT THE FUCK IS WRONG WITH ME SOMETIMES. HOW THE HELL DO I WALK AROUND WITH A FULL HEART AND A GENUINE SMILE ALL THE TIME?! THE WORLD NEVER CEASES TO FUCKING AMAZE ME?! EVERYTHING IS WONDERFUL?! TRYING TO MAKE SURE EVERYONE I KNOW IS GENUINELY HAPPY?! OH MY...I CAN'T EVEN. shit. This whole self-sacrifice thing really fucking sucks sometimes. 

    I hate watching every fucking thing fall apart in front of me. It's all I've ever fucking done my entire life. Nothing I have ever known has stuck. It's amazing I'm not more bitter than I could be. It's fucking amazing that I turned out the way I am. 

    But it's so fucking hard to let go of my past self. I can barely contain myself. Fuck. I can already feel my heart hardening. I can feel nothing affect me again. Despite the guilty conscience of who I am now, I still can't help but not give a flying fuck. I can feel the feel of control rising. I can feel that whole "you can't fucking touch me" shit coming back. The feeling of empowerment from the fucking anger. I know this is why everything is starting to empty from my heart. 

    I can't do this. I can't do it again. I can't fucking do that to myself and everything else that is standing on my shoulders. It's getting harder to hold it up without letting it crash. But I have to. No one else can help me do this. I need to make myself whole.

    Shit. 

    I know what I need to do but I'm not doing it. Behind me sits a bible and in the back of my mind, I'm shaking my head at myself. Because I know I'm never alone. Every single time I start to get too angry, I set myself back a couple days on my devotionals and daily readings. And I know I it'll help to calm me down but I never do: whether it's this thing in which I don't want to read angry or I get so fucking stubborn that I want to fix it on my own. 

    Gosh, when anger is all you've ever known it's amazing to get back to. Could go either way and it's an experience I can barely even describe. 

    I can barely fathom it right now. 

    I'm tired of it. So tired of it. It's not who I want to be and it's the opposite of what I have been pushing another to not become. 

    Can't help others if you can't help yourself, I say. 

    Hopefully I'll start to calm down. Soon.

    It's really interesting to later see the person you've become. I know I'm not nearly as angry as I used to be so it's strange to see how I handle it now. The old techniques don't work because you realize what's going on. You realize that everything that used to calm down was not really a calming effect but rather your anger taking control of you. It makes you seem that you're fine. So when you depart from it and make yourself a different person, it isn't the same. When you've opened your heart, looked it in the eye and said get out. And not stored it in a little compartment you hope will contain it. 

    Anger is the worst form of poison. 

    I would know. I know it all too well. It is the oldest friend I have.

    I was born with it. For a long time, it was all I ever knew. And I know it was pretty obvious by the way I enjoyed letting people shudder in fear of me, but I had you all fooled didn't I? It was more than just irrationality and being temperamental. It was a genuine hate of everything around me. Funny, I must've fooled myself. 

    Anger is two-faced liar. It makes you believe that you are happy when you push people down and have control over them. It makes you believe that you legitimately don't give a shit when people turn against you or hurt you. It makes you careless motherfucker with no regard for anything. 

    Doesn't mean that nothing can touch you, though. When you find something that makes you genuinely happy, you have to make the right steps in order to really get rid of it. Not pretend like it doesn't exist. For a while, it seems like it doesn't. But when it comes back, it hits pretty hard and you start to lose control of yourself and you forget what it was that made you happy in the first place. I've been told I'm a totally different person when I'm with him. I shoved my anger into a corner and it simmered waiting for the right reasons to show itself. 

    I always knew you weren't the only one. 

    You and I, we aren't too different. Trust me, I know. I like to say that I've gotten better at dealing with it but now I'm not totally sure. Just our minds react to anger differently. Bottled up the same, sure, but I lash out and you hold it in. The power rises in the same way. We deal with it the same way. The crash is just the same. 

    But then I remember that I'm not afraid of my anger in a very different way. I'm not afraid to be angry. I'm not afraid to hold the monster's hand and walk it in front of a bus. You, on the other hand, will walk away from it. But dearest, it will follow you. It will never stop following you. And as it follows, it does nothing but grow and feed off of everything that it sees happen to you. Yes, it is probably always going to be there. Nothing can kill it off while you live in this world but two things: 1. Getting run over a bus will at least dismantle it for a while and stunts its growth and 2. Striving to become someone not of this world is the most reassuring thing ever. That second part means you'll always get taken care of. Anger really will never touch you. I love that idea.

    My God, You are too amazing for words. I suppose this was my time to be angry today. With Your grace and guidance, as always, I can get over this. Please, take my heart and do not allow it to harden. I do not want this for myself and for anyone else. Especially not You. Allow me to find good in what I have known, for I know sometimes I question myself when I say that there is. Allow me to never lose sight of your goodness or your grace. Hold me close and never let go. Because no matter what I do, no matter what I say I know I will always come running back looking for You. And I know that I likely won't feel like I deserve it but I will always know You will be there with open arms. Loved most when we deserve it least, I suppose. Too amazing for words.

    Now, I just have to try and get all my favorite tunes to stop pissing me off and feeding the anger. I love the sounds and they still are the only things that soothe me to sleep, but when all they remind you of is a time of who you are no longer it gets kind of complicated. I can't let go of amazing music like that. I just never realized how angry they made me until recently; realizing that they didn't calm you down but feed the anger and turned it into a form of control. It's a nuts process, man. 

    Nuts. Nuts.

    -- ZelleZ

    Well, that worked. Sweet.

  • This is why I write.

    Sitting, happily with friends as we converses about the most insane and awesome yet slightly fucked up video idea we have yet. Enter a call that changed the course of the night, at least for a little while. I leave a group of amazing people at my own house and find myself at my mother's, transferring things from my sister's room to my car.

    My brother stays in his room. As far as I can tell by the light shining from under the door, he's up but not doing anything. He's the reason I was there, so I made sure to verify his location. It didn't change the entire time I was there so I didn't worry much about him while I was transferring things back and forth. And I had reason to worry. 
     
    "When dad is here and gets mad at him, he gets so scared. But once dad leaves, he turns into something worse than dad." 
     
    If that were possible, anyway. Unfortunately, it is. And it is the reality. I watched my sister as she cried tears of frustration at the way my brother reacted to her as well as the way he refuses to admit that he is just as mentally unstable as the woman who birthed him, if not more. She refused any form of physical contact in comfort and sent me to retrieve her things from the house she had lived in for her entire life. And she didn't intend to return for anything.
     
    "Don't come back! You are all ungrateful! I am the woman who gave birth to you. You would not exist if not for me! Don't come back!" she spoke in the loud voice that reminded me where I got it from. 
     
    I didn't acknowledge majority of the words that came out of her mouth. I barely uttered a word to her other than a quiet but firm "get out" or "move". I tried to block her out with my thoughts and my fifteen year old (fucking fifteen years old) sister yelling back at my mother how sick she is of hearing her talk the way she is. I stayed silent as I wiped the sweat from my brow and shuffled things to my car. 
     
    I refused to look at her. I couldn't look at her. I couldn't deal with her. I couldn't bear to see the scared and sad look in her eyes as she spoke. No matter what she said, that was all she felt. It's all she's ever felt. She had no other way of expressing how fucked up she became because of all the things she has had to go through. All of the things that this motherfucking bitch put her through.
     
    Are you happy, now? Don't you LOVE what you have done to this? Have you enjoyed watching how you affected us? Is that how you love us? Is that you showing us how much you fucking love us, daddy dearest? 
     
    And the worst part is the fact that I would be nothing of what I am today if it weren't for you continually fucking up each and every single one of us. I hate that I have to be grateful that if it weren't for the fact that you never ceased to screw us over.
     
    Because otherwise, we wouldn't have been able to become the amazing people that we have been. 
     
    I hate that the biggest factor of our beauty had to be your repulsiveness. 
     
    And I have never had any other way of expressing how fucked up I had been because of you, other than this. 
     
    -- ZelleZ

  • Inaccessible.

    It's horrible for me. To feel like I can't help someone. To feel like I am unavailable. I hate that. I hate it when I cannot be there for a person. So of course, I'll tear myself up in being unable to get diapers for her or keep him from dying in a parking lot or help her overcoming heartache or getting her to believe in herself the way I do or hold his hand and help him face the pain that he fears. I can't stand being so far away from people. I can't help it. Whether or not they blame me, I always feel responsible when a person I know falls. Especially a person I love. 

    Let it slide,
    Let your troubles fall behind you
    Let it shine
    Until you feel it all around you

    I want to be your rock. I want to be your shelter. I want to be the human that you can and will always turn to. I want to be there. I want to hold you up and remind you that you are an amazing and beautiful creature. I want to prove to you that you deserve all the blessings there are and that the challenges are merely ways that you can prove your strength. I want to show you that you are completely capable of overcoming everything that this world will throw at you. 

    It's just hard knowing when the situation is inaccesible for me. Due to business, a lack of car, a lack of faith, or thousands of miles between us. I hate that. I hate feeling like I am unable to help a brotha' out. But I will never stop trying. As long as I feel like you need me, I will never put my foot down. I will never doubt you or me, even as you might doubt us. I will never allow you to fall completely. I will always be here. 

    And I don't mind
    If it's me you need to turn to
    We'll get by,
    It's the heart that really matters in the end

    Lend me your ears, lend me your hearts and allow me to be there for you. 

    My ultimate wish. "To have everyone I know and love to be truly happy." Without vices. No contentment. No satisfaction. Just amazed at the life they lead, the cards they are dealt and the fact that they can still breathe. At all the little wonders that surround them and the realization that they, themselves, are little wonders as well. 

    Our lives are made
    In these small hours
    These little wonders
    These twists & turns of fate

    Be accessible.

    -- ZelleZ

  • I'm so tired.

    Honestly, I'm sick of this. I hate that it took another one of these for me to understand what the problem was; or even want to actually do anything about the problem. I really want us to get through this. I mean, I want this because I'm a selfish little girl who wants to be the one who cares for him; if anyone's going to do it, I want it to be me. I want to be the one to be there. I want to be the one he runs to when he's upset. I want to be the one he can depend on. I want to be the one he needs. I want to take care of him. 

    "AND I DIDN'T TAKE CARE OF THE ONE PERSON I SHOULD HAVE BEEN TAKING CARE OF."
    "So, do it."

    It's not because I want him. It's not because I want him to be around. It's not because I want him to take care of me. Yes, I want all those things. But at the end of the night, yesterday, I remembered how much I wanted to just nestle him in my arms and make sure he's okay. I want to be the one to make sure that he's all accounted for. And I didn't do my job. I wonder if I am the stupid one, after all.

    And I'm literally tired. I got more sleep last night but I know how tired my body and brain are right now. This whole thing is emotionally wearing. And I need to finish my news bits before bed. 

    -- ZelleZ