"You really like him, huh?"
"You've won her heart over."
"I'm glad that you could make it."
"You're my favorite."
"You're the first girlfriend to meet everyone."

It dragged on: my weekend. And I loved every single minute of it. Despite not getting you Friday night before bed, I'm glad that I got you the rest of the weekend (and of course the days before). I'm so thankful that I got it. This weekend just sort of...hit me...it made me realize that I'm a part of your life. Just how much I'm a part of your life now. My Saturday consisted of the brother bears (dinner included) and Gears while you were out with Ricky. It solidified (for me) my stable position in the group, with or without you. But it wasn't Saturday that I'm so happy about...it was my almost never-ending but magical Sunday.

"What are you guys talking about?"
"She's going to meet my sister-in-law tomorrow."
"Oh yeah. Family day....and you get to be a part of it." Cue huge goofy smile from Christian.

We went back to your house mid-afternoon after your shower at my place. They were there already when we came back. So the rest of the afternoon carried on with lots of hugs from Faith, music from Larry and stories from Athena. After Atti's adorable prayer, dinner came around 5 or 6 and it was pleasant; I'm so happy to have gotten to take some home. Afterwards came the stories with Cathy, which brought on tons of hilarity and I helped as much as I could to clean up (she wouldn't let me) before she practically kicked me out of the house so that I could spend time with everyone else. Walked out to the Murphy men just finishing sticking the pig slop onto the truck and you came up to me for a disgusting hug which I turned away with a kick. And then you left. So cue the conversations with Lauron. 

She told me stories of her children. She asked me things about myself like how I met you and random stuff about my family and my faith. [Didn't mention it but I've been reading The Bible in all my free time and even non-free time lately] She told me later that she was glad she got the chance to get to know me. And I hope I start to get to know her more as time progresses. I've got a bunch of questions to ask about her. So I'm hoping any plans for me to visit their household (and probably go to their church) actually follow through. Perhaps I'll be hearing from them soon. Then she asked me if I was going to stick around until he comes back or just be friends. Naturally, I replied that I was going to stick around. And she told me something she did that someone told her to do years ago that she thinks I should try. 

She told me to forget everything about you for a quick period time and make a list. Create the list of my perfect other half — the ins and outs of him, including random things like hair color. Sort of just go off and not think about it. Then decide what I don't need. Cross off everything that's unnecessary and just keep to the essentials. And just wait and see. See if he fits or wait for someone who doesn't. Decide then that I can't be with someone who doesn't make the cut. "I made that list and I waited, she said. "And then Ricky came along and I said 'huh...this guy...fit everything.'"

So I thought about it for a while and I'm still thinking about it. I suppose "long hair" is one of those things that'd eventually end up being crossed out. It just seemed so logical for me, you know? I was never the type to go do something like that: make lists to make a decision (especially something so feeling based). It's just not me. I've always been the gut instinct girl. If it feels right, then God is telling me that it is right. And I know that it isn't just about the feeling but what also suits you and fits and works...but wouldn't I be aware if something just doesn't fit? I'm pretty sure of it. And maybe it's because if he doesn't fit the list in the end, I'll be afraid of it not working out. And maybe because if he does fit the list, then it'll seem completely biased. But it's working thus far so I've really no reason to ditch that I'm aware of. 

So the sun goes down and the boys come home. And there were more cookies. And there was yelling and laughing and laughing and yelling and laughing. And a little more eating (THAT CAKE MAN). And there were goodbye's and funny jokes and hopes that I'll call or visit or go to church. And hugs from Athena and Keona [even though I barely spoke to her all day]. I'm not sure what it is but I know that these are people I'm scared to but I want to hold on to. Somehow I've grown an attachment already, the same way Faith has to me. But I suppose...I'm [becoming] part of the family now.

"Bye Auntie Ruzelle!"
Wide eyes. Shy wave and a shaky goodbye. 
A laugh to my right. "You're going to be hearing that a lot now." 

-- ZelleZ

The house is too big in general. But when I got home yesterday afternoon, it was so much bigger. It was so much harder to come home knowing it'd be just me. I'd kept composed all day. Didn't cry when you walked through TSA. Didn't cry when your mom started to tear up. Didn't cry when I played your favorite song by your favorite band in the car. Then I walked through the doors to my big, empty house and the second my bag dropped to the floor, I broke. 

It was all I did for two hours straight. Nothing productive. Nothing happy. I just cried for the severed attachments I have to you. I looked around at all the things here that you left me with from the chain around my neck to the bottle of grape juice you bought for me (because I joked that I didn't want to buy my own because I wanted a bottle from you before you left) and wished so much that you were back home with me. 

It's hard to come home to an empty house when you know you can't hear from your SO who you'd been seeing every day for a few weeks. It's hard coming home to an empty house when you realize that you have no one else to see or care for. To see walking through the door with the house keys in hand. To see right before bed and right after waking up. To suddenly wake up to him getting ready to make love or just holding you to be much closer. To ask to bring home your favorite fruit juice because you're out. To walk into the house with him watching a random movie or playing video games. To not hear "baby, can you make waffles?" To not see him get fat on nothing but waffles. It's not extremely difficult. But it's not easy. 

I'm going to be tiring myself completely to make myself able to sleep in the bedroom that was ours for a while. I'm not going to be able to make waffles with a straight face for at least a few days. I'm not going to be able to walk around the house without the vision of you waltzing into one of the rooms just to hug me and tell me that you love me or that you missed me. 

I'm just waiting for the days to get easier. And I'm waiting for the days that I'll hold my head up higher. And the days that I can laugh and say, "don't worry. He'll be home soon. I'm sure." Until then, the days are long and the nights are longer and I'm clinging onto everything that has anything with him attached to it. But I know eventually they'll start to go by faster. And the semester will end and it'll be something to look forward to this summer: having him in my arms again. 

[-- ZelleZ]

I'm not so sure what woke me up. But it wasn't the cellphone alarms. Nor did I wake up to you climbing out of bed. But I do remember waking up to you standing in the room, clad in the clothing that I had been accustomed to seeing my brother in law come home to after PT. I slowly and sleepily blinked. You walk out of the room to turn off the bathroom light. Blink. You're back in the room. Blink. You're climbing back into bed. I raise myself up to scoot over and you open your arms inviting me to come close to you. Close my eyes and I do. Lay my head on your chest and listen to your heart beat. I'm still half a sleep but I'm mostly aware of my surroundings. It's around 4am. We had slept rather late but I hoped that you had gotten enough sleep despite the fact that I kept wiggling around in the middle of the night. In the comfort of your arms, I started to doze off being lulled to sleep by the steady beating of your heart and your hand tracing up and down my back.  

I don't know how much time had passed but eventually you tapped my arm and whispered that you had to go so I slowly extracted myself from your arms to let you go. But you pulled me back in, holding me and kissing me and telling me that you love me. All of which I reciprocated. Then you got up and walked out of the room, leaving me to adjust myself to hug the pillows that were left behind. I listened as you gathered your things and got ready to leave the house. But I didn't lull myself back to sleep. I jumped out of bed and shuffled myself to the living room, almost slamming myself into the wall in the hallway. 

I found you and leaned my head on your arm, while you did something on your phone that, being glasses-less, I couldn't see. When you finished you turned to me and I snaked my arms around your neck and held you tight. You whispered again that you love me and I sleepily replied that I love you too. We kissed once more and this time I let you go, locking the door behind you. I whispered in my head and to God that you be safe because I was too tired to remember. 

And then I made my way back to the room and flopped onto the bed, making myself comfortable. And the words that I had never expected my entire life to formed in my head right before I fell asleep: I love my soldier. 

-- ZelleZ

I get so upset by all the time that goes by without hearing from any of you girls or without getting a text message asking to hang out. I'm losing the sense of belonging I used to have. I'm losing all the sense of security and I feel like that's all my fault. As if my worst fears have truly come to life and I will end up having backs turned to me.  

And the problem is that I'm just sitting here and letting it happen rather than fighting against it. I'm going back on my words; the ones that said that I'll fight no matter how hard it takes for us to stay and be comfortable together. I'm not. I'm just sitting here and watching, waiting for everything to fall apart. That isn't supposed to be how it is. This is far from it. What am I doing?

What is wrong with me?

-- ZelleZ

On tumblr and half the time, I respond with my own blog — just like here on xanga — and half the time I don't and just let it pass me. I didn't know how long a response to the latest one would run and I'm not sure how it'd fit or whether or not I should even post it because well, I've never met and the most interaction we have is random references to each other on our blogs. Anyway, I was just thinking. 

After Auggie and I broke up, I talked to his mom and she thanked me for giving her son the experience that I did — for being a good girlfriend and for loving him how I did. She said to me, "you never forget your first love" and I never did nor will I ever. There's something so sweet and innocent about your first relationship as well as something entirely frightening because it's your first relationship. I go back thousands of years to that first boy and remember just how much I swore to the heavens that I would marry him someday. It was one of those fairytale dreams, you know? My best friend. I figure, yup. This must be the guy. I laughed so hard when his grandmother called herself my "grandma to be". 

I fear for Lauren and Amber's relationship because things don't always work out. And as much as you're certain of that innocent feeling that this must be it, it just doesn't always work out that way. There are the lucky few who get that. And there are the few who get blinded by that feeling and suckered into it. And for the most part, you get stuck in the other part of the population still soul searching. 

But that feeling and thoughts that "this was it" was nothing toward realistic. It was some crazy fantasy I believed would happen without any real goals or sense of what I was going to do with my life and who I was or was going to be. Nothing planned or thought out. Of course, I was thirteen. So...duh. Almost six years later, I'm still trying to figure that out and I'm still terrified of myself and everything. And I'm terrified that I'm going to find myself blinded by something and then make a ton of foolish choices or get left behind. And I'm terrified that I'd have wasted time. And well, the obvious terror of losing Coyce which by the looks of it, won't happen any time too soon since we're both kind of the assumption that we're sticking together while he's away for a year. And technically speaking, that's like minus a year that we'll be together total for however long that is. Good Lord. 

Sal says "Think of it as another year towards the rest of your life". Faith apparently really likes me. Ryan says I have no reason to believe his mother doesn't; I often find myself entertaining the younger Murphy so I haven't been able to have conversation with her and when I do, I sound like a babbling idiot because I'm almost always confused. Christian calls me his wife and tells me that I have to love him forever. But even then, it might not be enough. That doesn't do much to say to me, "yes, you will be with each other forever". 

"Also, the universe must love picking on me, giving me such a great guy to be my first boyfriend. Dear Universe, do you know how hard that just makes everything after that?"

There is nothing more amazing than the joy of your first relationship with someone who you know you're in love with. It just keeps getting harder after that. Because then you get smacked in the face by reality. And well, there's a special place in my heart for dear Augustine because I still love him — just not like that anymore. I think that's it though. Your first and your last are the two most incredible loves you will ever have. And if you're lucky, the two will be the same one. 

I wasn't lucky in that sense. But I am now. Because if there's any one out there better for me than Coyce, then Lord save my soul. I am unworthy.

-- ZelleZ

I'm supposed to be working on English homework but I'm warming myself up for that right now by typing away random things. 

I had about the absolute most interesting, actually most wonderful, day all week. Haha. And it's funny because if I were less tired I'd have realized that sooner. 

Waking up. Being totally excited that Megan let me park her car. Heehee, it's been a while. Despite being kinda crooked anyway. 

Communications wasn't too exciting but there were a bunch of random things being thrown out there.

Math was, well, math. In fifteen minutes. Who knew that doing your homework was like a "get out of jail free" card? That was absolutely amazing.

Lunch — well gee, I actually had the time to eat lunch between classes — was good. I finally satiated my Von's chicken craving; I actually think I just wanted the salad. Also light discussion on politics always amuses me. Then I got the total for my tuition. My shades somehow ended up with Drew, though. 

Lit class was good. Being able to recall information from my former Greek myth semi-obsession was nice. I didn't actually have to read the book. A bunch of random tidbits I didn't know though. 

Out of class and into the library? Sure. Chill and read articles? All right. Get a text message from the boy because he'd like me to come over? What. The. Fuck? But okay.

So I do. And he smiled because he likes to spend time with me apparently. Haha. I really don't give him enough credit. Starting to, I SWEAR. 

So we had an hour or two to ourselves before his momma and Faith showed up. His mum went to cook dinner and the three of us sat in the living room, watching the Jeff Dunham Christmas Special until Faith inquired about my laptop. So, I let her play a few games on Chrysalis — sims included.

The girl is absolutely adorable.

"Mom, I don't wanna go yet. Ruzelle's here."
"I like you!"
"You're pretty. Seriously, you're really pretty."

Aah, but the Murphy females had to leave for church. So we had another hour until his dad came home. Then we had to leave for tea time.

Which was not eventful like I had assumed it wouldn't be. Just the five of us camped around the television, one of the boys occasionally getting up to drop a deuce. We had raspberry tea which Coyce thought smart to drown in sugar and I ended up drinking it for him. It was chill.

I've got English homework to finish. Gonna dedicate about an hour dedicated to reading articles. Another half hour dedicated to getting ready for bed. Another half hour dedicated to trying to sleep. But I think I might be able to.

Because I'm at ease from seeing you. Being with you. 

The six days between then and now are dragging on and I hope, for my sake, the days drag on after just so that I'll be able to cherish it. 

"Yay. I get to wake up next to you." 

And if it weren't for the fact that I really needed a nap, I'd be smiling so big right now. 

-- ZelleZ

Coyce says: (7:38:36 PM)

oh and fyi

Coyce says: (7:38:49 PM)

if your wondering y im spending a lot of time with friends and not a lot with you

Coyce says: (7:39:08 PM)

its because when your auntie and uncle leave ima be spending a lot of time with you

Rzelle says: (7:43:50 PM)

...that's kind of random

Rzelle says: (7:44:06 PM)

But also answered the question I was never going to ask but kind of figured anyway

Coyce says: (7:44:55 PM)

just letting you know

Coyce says: (7:45:02 PM)

save the best for last

Rzelle says: (7:45:08 PM)

.....

Rzelle says: (7:45:11 PM)

TT______TT

Rzelle says: (7:45:20 PM)

You're such an idiot

Rzelle says: (7:45:27 PM)

....

Rzelle says: (7:45:48 PM)

I'm also not good at telling people that I love them when they do nice things

Coyce says: (7:45:50 PM)

still going to be chilling with friends but mainly you

Coyce says: (7:45:58 PM)

i know that

Rzelle says: (7:47:09 PM)

Also I haven't always given you enough credit. Sorry. 

Rzelle says: (7:47:10 PM)

T_T

Coyce says: (7:47:30 PM)

no worries

Rzelle says: (7:48:13 PM)

Also, I love you.

Coyce says: (7:49:27 PM)

i love you too

Anyway, Edmah is about to pick him up so that he can be with the bears for the last few hours of his birthday. Yeah, it's slightly heartbreaking that I can't be there with him. But I'm dealing. I know I'm going to have him mostly to myself come one week from today. I'm going to love being able to have him at my side when I'm home. Even though he has to leave me two weeks after that, it's nice that I get this privilege before he does. 

Also, he better be aware half of what he says end up being posted onto xanga. Haha. 

-- ZelleZ

Who in the world is on my blog from Texas????

-- ZelleZ

Back to xangalock???

Probably about being paranoid. Think that's currently what's flowing through my brain: paranoia. And myself moping about the likelihood of being able to see you today. And I really wish that Ryan were online. Or could be. 

I'm hiding behind my books today. Giving myself reasons to cry other than the obvious. Hiding behind the stack behind me that I'm going to devour tonight until I'm comatose from all the reading. Hiding from the hurt.

I guess not being able to see you kind of affects how I significant I feel to you. And maybe it's just all in my head because I shouldn't have to make it out to be some incredibly special day that I have to see you. I mean, it is YOUR birthday so you should spend it the way you see fit. And I guess that's just it — I just don't feel like you see it fit to spend any of the time with me. But what am I blithering on about? You're with your family. I'm just an idiot.

I don't know. I just couldn't really help it. I guess there's always the time right before you leave. 

-- ZelleZ