"Let's face it," she told me once, "these two? They are our forevers."
Taifinakpo'.
In Chamorro, it means "no end, limitless, infinity." Personally, I prefer that term over "tiot tiempo" which is the dictionary term for forever.
There's the thing about forever.
"What I meant when I said, 'forever' is that we might not always be this close but if you call, he will always be the one to come."
I don't know if she's trying to justify anything or just trying to come up with some crap excuse for something, but I think that's a load. Forever means forever. Forever means at the end of the day, we are Ted Mosby's gang or FRIENDS or The Golden Girls. If we've found forever, it means we've found the real FRUIT or Brother Bears or Bombshizzlefritz. It means, the sexies and the crazies will never leave each other's sides ever. It means, we will always be this close.
It means, we might marry other people, babysit each other's kids and interrogate anyone that someone tries to bring home. But it means that, at the end, it is us vs. them. Always. It means that no one can get in the way of us, even if they tried. That in 40 years, there are four spots on the porch that are guaranteed to be filled possibly with tea and sushi.
All with the least romantic intentions possible.
So she's got some 'splainin to do.
Forever means forever. If we've found it, there's no excuse nor settling for any less.
And that's as black and white as I'll get. Whereas usually, I am a canvas with paint splattered onto it, slowly dripping down the texture and intermingling with neighboring colors.
I have thought about it quite a bit for a pretty good chunk of time. What I said to her today as I cried in a mall parking lot.
It's not easy. I'm not easy.
"You'd be asking him to change."
"I'm not asking for him to change."
"Well, think about it in his black and white way: you're asking him to change a behavior that he has because of the way it affects you. And if he's trying to keep you as a friend, then he can't. Because it means he has to care more when he shouldn't have to."
"And that's why the ultimatum."
"It's just getting really fucking hard to be friends with you!" This was two weeks ago. I was near to tears, losing my breath and losing my mind. "I can't talk to you!"
"Then don't talk to me!"
"Then, I don't know why we even bother being friends if we can't talk!"
"I don't know, either."
Silence fell upon us as I stared out the windshield to the dimly lit street. We were parked outside my house. Almost 11PM.
"You're making this really complicated."
I glanced at him quickly as a cynical smile graced my lips before responding.
"Well, I like things complicated."
"Well, I try to keep away from that."
"I know."
It would be easier. To let it go. To stop being friends and just be work buddies and arms-length acquaintances. He wouldn't have to drop a work day to work for me and I wouldn't have to drop food off for him at work.
It's just so hard. Just knowing how much we frustrate each other and hurt each other's feelings so regularly? It's painful for me to even think about. I don't want to hurt his feelings but when he frustrates me, I have to say why. Changing the pattern means changing the dynamic and that would take so much more time and patience than we should offer each other.
And while I love my complexities, I would love to do him the favor of making everything just so much easier. And let it go.
And I don't exactly anticipate for him to object for that reason.
But see, saying that might offend him. How is there winning?
"You two are polar opposites."
You know, in all the years of my life, I've had exboyfriends say that to me. "We are complete opposites, that's why we're so attracted to each other." I always smiled and nodded, never once believing it for a second. J and I were so much the same that it drove us both crazy and at the end of the day, I backed down from being so tired. A and I were so similar that people actually mistook us for each other from behind. There is almost no way that C and I aren't similar, we're attached at the soul.
But this, this is different.
He is and functions the opposite of myself. It's almost comedic but it's more frustrating than anything. I say right, he says left. He says hello, I say goodbye. He says that this means that but I say that correlation is not causation. I'm not even sure where we've ever been able to find common ground except for the fact that we make fun of everything there is to make fun of. Cynical old man. The only thing we have that is similar is the fact that we are both stubborn to a fault.
I suppose it makes sense, considering he is the uncanny mixture of all the people I've held close to my heart.
"See, he's so black and white. You said it yourself. You're not. He likes to be three steps ahead, that's why he's so good at chess and pool. He reasons and uses logic to plan things out. And with you, he has no idea what to do. I'm pretty sure he questions your friendship even more than you do."
It's almost painful. The fact that I see almost no merit or value in keeping you in my life. I'm so ridiculously clouded with the pain and frustration we cause each other on a weekly basis. How we argue about things that shouldn't need to argue about. How we argue in general, to the point where I'm actually being asked whether or not we're in a position to be arguing.
I think about what it'd be like to not be your friend. Not seeing you at Christmas or Thanksgiving or all the trips we plan but won't always carry out. More closer, I think about what I would be like if I don't see you this weekend. My heart feels slightly lighter at the thought. That's bad, isn't it? Maybe it's the playlist from last year that's talking. But I almost revel in the idea of not getting a headache from not having you there. No one to tell me it's stupid that I celebrate birthweek or that there's no way there's something wrong with me — even if the former was just a joke.
Maybe your cynical comment from the other day would be right, sir. Maybe in a few months, we will stop being friends and no longer have to deal with each other.
But then, there'd be no one to have lunch with on a random Tuesday in the month. No one to call my little sister "saran wrap girl" or give me presents that I won't use for the first few months. No one to make me sushi at request. No one to always pull through I need him, no matter how much it inconveniences him, and do so in the best ways possible. No golden retriever — meaning the actual dog and a metaphor.
"At the end of the day, you call and he will answer. He would do anything for you, even if he had something else he had to do."
So what then? What do I do now? It's us vs. our (mostly my) impatience with the situation at hand and that's a decision we'd have to make collectively. It's not about what I want, it's about what you want too. When we're together, I can actually see the waves of frustration emanating from your form or the way your eyes glaze over when I've said something that hurt your feelings. And I don't like it.
I told you not to get attached because I was sure I was going to end up hurting you. I protect and nurture, not the other way around. I need to know how to fix this, how to make this better and easier for you without bringing any more pain further. And if that means letting you go, then I can rest knowing I'm no longer a stressful part of your life.
Saturday, April 12, 2014.
I waited patiently for her to come out of the bathroom so that I could use it. We'd all survived a lot in just that week alone — from her near death, to me nearly losing myself to the point that a friend asked me to seek professional help, to the book to the shoot that took place that day. Thing is that we survived it together. We sought each other out for help and love and responded in that way, despite the bumps and the scuffles that took place in between.
At the end of that day, I was waiting for the bathroom to be free while the other two sat and chatted about a good time — while we were all extremely exhausted to the point where we all just knocked out when we each got home and slept until morning (except I woke up early for a 10k). And we reveled in each other, our successes, our faults and our love.
And when she exited the bathroom, she said, "were you thinking what I was thinking?"
"Yeah, I was. As I sat there and absorbed the presence and vibe going around our table. All I could think of was the word 'forever'."
"In my voice."
"With my narration."
At the end of the day, after thinking about it and waiting to write about it and hoping to God she doesn't make this an issue, I made my decision. I chose forever. Relationships in general are not filled with rainbows and butterflies. We will ridicule, be irritated with and down right hate one another — friends, family, what-have-you. But if at the end of your birthday, all you want is a small group of people in your living room eating sushi and tacos and watching some B-list movie you can make fun of the lighting of, then you know you've found people you want to see forever with**.
And I decided that if you chose forever too, then I will be as patient as patient gets.
Taifinakpo' i guinaiya-ku para hågu, para todu hamyo. I familia-ku.
Z.
** (this is actually saying something, considering how I usually do my birthday).
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