November 18, 2013
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That Thing
A few months, I was under pursuit by someone who I'd just met this past summer.
He was charming, to say the least.
He told me how he felt about me. Asked me what would make me happy, under the implication that he wanted to. Spent every day by my side. Listened while I spoke, even when it wasn't to him. Made me curious about things I never meant to be curious about. Even without my knowledge, made sure I was properly taken care of. And taught me more than I anticipated to be taught.
And here I am. In the month of November, about four months later. Realizing the gravity of what I did in response to it.
I did exactly what I anticipated that he would do and didn't really realize it. I ran.
And I ran to justify him pulling away. I ran so that when he finally did, I knew exactly what I did wrong.
"It's easier to justify a person walking away from you if you are an asshole versus if you did everything right and he walks away from you anyway. At least you were in control of that failure. Because it sucks hearing you did absolutely nothing wrong and he walks away from you anyway."
I think I just revealed a damage. Way to go.
"He gave you the ball and when he saw you do nothing with it, he took it back and started to play by himself."
And here I am, making myself miserable in that aspect. Probably throwing away something that could have made this year a little less sucky.
But. Then I did something Friday night that might have allowed for an opening.
"The ball is still in your court. He basically said 'I know I shouldn't be doing this but....here.' Now you have to try harder."
And I wasn't exactly trying to begin with.
Two months ago, this conversation happened:
"Are you happy with the way things are now?"
"I'm not unhappy."
"So. You're not unhappy. But you're not happy."
"...yes."
"Well, can you figure out what will make you happy and get back to me?"
"I guess."
"Okay. You figure that out and get back to me. And I will see what I can do to make you happy."Oh yesssss, I DID screw that up. Again, way to go.
Right before this we talked about not wanting relationships. And so it didn't make sense to me to ask for it, especially since at the time I had no idea if I even wanted it. I didn't want it to interfere with me, I felt like I needed to take care of me first. I felt like. Like I wasn't ready. I felt like I couldn't possibly know how to be with him, to make him happy. As if I wouldn't be able to dedicate enough of myself to him.
"What happened to all or nothing? Even if you're busy as fuck you always find a way to spend time with the people you care about."
Nathaniel thinks severely highly of me. When it came to J, he told me "You basically gave him the world, and he told you your world was shit."
Yayu as well, in fact, I don't even want to hear his response because I'm almost certain it's going to reflect more negatively on si Land than it will on me, despite the fact that ^ uhm, yeah...I screwed up. (So uhm. Look at the facts. I was horrible.) Yayu told me that I gave C everything I could and more, that I impacted his life in more ways than I could ever imagine.But all I did to this one was turn away. Because I figured he was much better without someone like me who barely had her life together. And perhaps that is what had me so scared.
So last night, as I was drifting off to sleep I figured out what I wanted. And I had to verify that this is legitimate, that this is whole-hearted. Because this is not about me. I tore at him by doing absolutely nothing. And my actions only backfired on the both of us.
What would make me happy? If he were gracious enough to allow me to fix this. To give him what he deserves. I want him to be happy. I want him to teach me to make him happy. I have never let my guard down so much. And I've never wanted so much for the assistance, for someone to teach me something. I wanna see the world through his eyes. I want to see ME through his eyes. And I want him to see what I see when I see him.
Flaws and all.
Z.P.S. Honestly, I kinda want him all to myself. Sue me. Here's to hoping that I can still fix this.
