Maybe not.

So I'm sitting here in the office, waiting for the thanksgiving video to upload and process. The sun is finally starting to go down, not beating down as harshly as it did when I first walked into the empty space. It's a Saturday so no one's here, no one is even in the building. Seems that I won't be going anywhere for about another hour.

My phone's still displaying the text that said he won't be joining us at the play.

"I don't think it's too late. He's the kind of guy who if he didn't want to be around, he wouldn't. And he does."

I don't know if it's my impatience that's biting or if suddenly it's changed. It could be either. My impatience is part of the reason for many of the headaches.

"I don't know about you but I'm feeling a rift coming on."
"I know." Just a few minutes later she retracted the statement but I couldn't help but want to smack her for denying it.

"Something's off. I could feel it. And I don't really spend time with you guys. I don't know what's going on."

Even HE ^ saw it and he's rarely ever around us.

Something's changing and I feel oh so responsible.

She says it's because we're all so busy. Two of us busy with work (and school for me) and the other two trying to start working (and going to school for one).

It just so happens that this all happens after what happened last Friday night and after the other guy saying to me that he won't see me until I finish the job.

At this point, I'm not sure that I can even do it. Or if there's even a job to finish. Where I was once steaming with confidence to just get it over it, I feel like I'm going to be chasing pavements for a while. Not forever, just for a while. And it's on the list to figure out whether or not that's even worth it because that's one half-marathon I'm going to run for sure.

He isn't my soul brother but I still listened to the song he posted this morning.

I feel like I'm at a loss for writing anything insightful at the moment but my mind is clouded with things that it doesn't need to be. Whose court is it again? I can't figure it out and I'm just tired right now.

Mother of a son, if we don't have our beach day tomorrow I will cut someone.

Z.

A few months, I was under pursuit by someone who I'd just met this past summer.

He was charming, to say the least.

He told me how he felt about me. Asked me what would make me happy, under the implication that he wanted to. Spent every day by my side. Listened while I spoke, even when it wasn't to him. Made me curious about things I never meant to be curious about. Even without my knowledge, made sure I was properly taken care of. And taught me more than I anticipated to be taught.

And here I am. In the month of November, about four months later. Realizing the gravity of what I did in response to it.

I did exactly what I anticipated that he would do and didn't really realize it. I ran.

And I ran to justify him pulling away. I ran so that when he finally did, I knew exactly what I did wrong.

"It's easier to justify a person walking away from you if you are an asshole versus if you did everything right and he walks away from you anyway. At least you were in control of that failure. Because it sucks hearing you did absolutely nothing wrong and he walks away from you anyway."

I think I just revealed a damage. Way to go.

"He gave you the ball and when he saw you do nothing with it, he took it back and started to play by himself."

And here I am, making myself miserable in that aspect. Probably throwing away something that could have made this year a little less sucky.

But. Then I did something Friday night that might have allowed for an opening.

"The ball is still in your court. He basically said 'I know I shouldn't be doing this but....here.' Now you have to try harder."

And I wasn't exactly trying to begin with.

Two months ago, this conversation happened:

"Are you happy with the way things are now?"
"I'm not unhappy."
"So. You're not unhappy. But you're not happy."
"...yes."
"Well, can you figure out what will make you happy and get back to me?"
"I guess."
"Okay. You figure that out and get back to me. And I will see what I can do to make you happy."

Oh yesssss, I DID screw that up. Again, way to go.

Right before this we talked about not wanting relationships. And so it didn't make sense to me to ask for it, especially since at the time I had no idea if I even wanted it. I didn't want it to interfere with me, I felt like I needed to take care of me first. I felt like. Like I wasn't ready. I felt like I couldn't possibly know how to be with him, to make him happy. As if I wouldn't be able to dedicate enough of myself to him.

"What happened to all or nothing? Even if you're busy as fuck you always find a way to spend time with the people you care about."

Nathaniel thinks severely highly of me. When it came to J, he told me "You basically gave him the world, and he told you your world was shit."
Yayu as well, in fact, I don't even want to hear his response because I'm almost certain it's going to reflect more negatively on si Land than it will on me, despite the fact that ^ uhm, yeah...I screwed up. (So uhm. Look at the facts. I was horrible.) Yayu told me that I gave C everything I could and more, that I impacted his life in more ways than I could ever imagine.

But all I did to this one was turn away. Because I figured he was much better without someone like me who barely had her life together. And perhaps that is what had me so scared.

So  last night, as I was drifting off to sleep I figured out what I wanted. And I had to verify that this is legitimate, that this is whole-hearted. Because this is not about me. I tore at him by doing absolutely nothing. And my actions only backfired on the both of us.

What would make me happy? If he were gracious enough to allow me to fix this. To give him what he deserves. I want him to be happy. I want him to teach me to make him happy. I have never let my guard down so much. And I've never wanted so much for the assistance, for someone to teach me something. I wanna see the world through his eyes. I want to see ME through his eyes. And I want him to see what I see when I see him.

Flaws and all.

When preparing yourself to tell the object of your affection how you feel about s/he, you should watch out for these three signs:

1. A sign that s/he is thinking about you

An invitation to coffee right before a really important meeting or a few phone calls in the middle of class — one right at the start and one right before the end —, asking what you're doing what you get out or even a simple "good morning" text are all obvious signs that this person is thinking about you. You can talk about everything or you can talk about nothing but if you're talking, then you hold some sort of significance to him or her.

2. A sign that the universe wants it to happen

Perhaps it's your car breaking down and she is the only person within the vicinity who you know for sure can take care of it or making a deal with the next stop light that you will tell him for sure if it turns green NOW. You're never sure what it is but if you can feel it in your heart that it's got to happen, then it's got to happen. All the spaces on the board say, skip to GO! then motherfucker, skip to GO! The only thing in the universe that could possibly stop it from happening is you. The universe will make it happen.

3. Rain

Whether it's a hard rain after walking out a bar, deciding that you're too frustrated to deal with it anymore, or a slow rain fall to your car illuminated by the fluorescent lights in the parking lot; if there's rain then you better freakin' do it. That's some perfect scenery, Sleeping in Seattle, C-B-D-A grade movie-style crap. There is absolutely no reason to walk away from an opportunity you can write into a book and make millions off selling to a bunch of heartbroken teenagers and hopeless romantic 30 year old women.

The signs don't have to come in order and they don't have to come at all — just do it when it feels right — but hell, if they do come you better do it. Whether it's a sit down at the beach, spilling your heart out or just tossing it over your shoulder as you speed away in your silver sedan, if you know you've reached the most opportune moment you better do it. Because the regret of not doing it and wondering "what if" is always more painful than being shot down.

As for me, I got all the signs. Every single one. Last night. But, little Miss Fearless somehow chickened out. After a full week of everyone realizing that it's my turn now and a number of opportunities that I could have and him asking me "...is that all you wanted to talk about? I thought you wanted to talk about something else" and it all accumulated into my best friend — and ex boyfriend, mind you — scolding me for a good half hour and telling me that I better fucking do it (despite the fact that I made almost no mention of him for a month and didn't tell him that I didn't do it or even wanted to) and to stop being a "chicken shit".

And I got into my car, saw the rain stop right after and slammed my head into my steering wheel for being so much of an idiot to miss the opportunity that the universe basically laid at my feet and said "bitch, move". And I'm sitting here, shaking my head for missing one of — of not THE — last window that the universe is going to allow for me to get this right.

And I'm feeling in my heart that it needs to happen soon. Tonight, even. And it'll be mini-grandeur. I just don't know how or what. I'm just hoping it does.

So: Universe/God/Santa Claus/Mr. Postman,

Please answer me. Allow me one more shot. It doesn't have to be today or tomorrow but please give this to me. No more screw ups. I will get this. I promise, hard. I'm not done yet. And I know I can and will do this.

I'm just waiting on the rain.

Love always,

Z.

That my cover photo was taken by him.

Or that his is the first initial of my name at so much of an angle that you would have to ask me to see the original picture before you make the connection.

It means absolutely nothing. At least that's what I tell myself. Because it means nothing. Yet I wouldn't hate if it did mean something.

I started a public blog the other day on word press. Specifically for the people to see what I'm up to and keep my writing alive when I don't feel like talking about my personal life.

Don't try to find me. And I hope no one who sees my public blog doesn't try to find my private one.

Z.