July 11, 2013

  • Countdown is postponed.

    Well obviously the countdown is postponed with the recent announcement of the deadline being pushed back. 

    I'm half-dead typing this. I was going to go on a boat and decided nevermind so I could take on some work duties. So I started doing scheduling and emailing and a bunch of other craps for work. Talked to the production manager for our film and she went ahead and made me her assistant. Spent some time trying to get some way to feed our crew. 

    In the meanwhile, I'm completely paranoid that my actual boss is ignoring me. I know he's all busy and crap but his brother replied to my texts dangit. I don't want to stress out over this but this is it. I can't lose this and I know if I do then it is my fault. Boss-man told me to step up my game on Friday's meeting and I know I need to. I get that. School's made me lose my mind the last few months (and he knows it) but I've finally got all the time in the world to do what I love. This. This thing. It's. It's. Everything depends on this. I can't lose this one too. 

    And I'm sitting here, staring at the ceiling and asking if this is some kind of punishment. Asking if it's against His will for me to carry on with this. Next to Him this is the thing I am most passionate about. This is my life. This is the only thing I've ever been about and I wasted three years not budging — slacking. And I don't want to slack anymore. Everything is finally in a place that I want it to be. But here I sit, 30 hours before we start principle photography and I am flipping out all because I haven't heard from him. I mean, I know that the facebook message hasn't been read but. I don't know. It's so busy right now but it's so hard to insert myself and be persistent if I'm not getting a response.

    Deep breath. 

    But who the hell am I. This isn't you, girlfriend. What happened to the girl whose calculus teacher swore no one would ever be able to get rid of? What happened to the girl who was so eager to get into the place that she was that she sent e-mails to follow up? What happened to the girl who took on 40 things at once and never budged? How did she come to the point where she feels completely incapable of doing the things she wants to do?  Why is she settling for letting things slide back? Why? 

    Fuck that. You need to claw your fucking way back in the way you love to do. You need to stop taking no for an answer because you don't even know the meaning of the word unless it's coming out of your mouth. 

    The only thing that you can allow to get postponed is the fucking countdown to Xanga 2.0 because that shit is happening. Because you know it is. You fucking believe it is.

    And fuck who gives two shits if you're wrong?

    You're going places, Zelle. Kurt once wrote, "hands down, you are THE person who sees things through. you've got a passionate spirit and i genuinely believe that you're going somewhere with your life."

    Don't fucking let people like that down. They need someone to remind them that anything is possible. 

    That when you fall, the only person who needs to laugh is you. Because of the ground you smushed. 

    And one day your project will come to life. You're gonna change the world one day, girl. Hell, maybe you already have.

    -- ZelleZ

    P.S. Hey, your boss from Texas just endorsed you for being fucking awesome on LinkedIn. (actually it's for editing, that thing you love but keep it up because it's what you know. It's what you got and it's BA.) Not too shabby, Miss "Most Likely to Edit a Video".

    P.P.S. Get your laptop fixed. It's really getting in the way.