June 13, 2013

• “Stay With Me”

  Has been stuck in my head for a little while and it hasn’t been in a very, very long time. I remember pretty well what it was like when it was, though. So I listened to it for a while and started to leaf through older blogs and just reminisced to the time. It was early fall semester (August/September) of 2011. 2011. It seems like yesterday but so far away at the same time. 

  When I listen to music, it brings me back to certain moments. For example, when I listen to “Boomerang” by The Plain White T’s, I am instantly brought back to the summer of 2011. I remember the late car rides and conversations and nights with hot tea. As far back as it is, I can feel every day of that summer. I can smell the smoky, dimly lit pool hall and the brownies I made every other week and the avocado clay masks and Sal’s house. “Stay With Me” is no different.

  Just sitting here and listening to the song. It takes me back. Reminds me of times. I can smell the room I slept in before I moved it all to the second room. The hair dye I used to dye half my head red. My sheets. The feel of how uncomfortable that bed was. That period of time my older sister and I had a falling out. It was horrific and irritating at the same time. That period of time, that one guy and I were having pretty severe communication issues and I was deathly afraid that we were going to crash and burn. And my room smelled like nail polish too often. But that might’ve been the most of my complaints. My family issues are generally shrugged off and he helped me deal with it. He reminded me that I’ve had this amazing second family standing right in front of me who, quoting him, “will always be there for you [me] no matter what”. I had never felt so unbelievably loved by so many people before and I can’t even explain how incredible that feeling is. And despite the issues, we were hopelessly head over heels in love with each other. It was so surreal that we couldn’t stand it, which is why we feared so much we would fall apart — we believed that it was “too good to be true”. I remember some nights we would be together, just talking and laughing and rolling around and I swear my heart would be so close to exploding right there. My career with the film festival had just started then, too, and I was through the roof excited for it to start. I just remember it being such a high point of my life — like the rest of 2011 was. 

  I can’t ever find
  The words to say
  You changed my life
  In ways that I can’t explain

  My career is still climbing. I’m getting to places I never would have imagined I would go, at least not this quickly. 

  That specific second family? We’ve kind of dwindled. Tea Time isn’t exactly the same as it used to be. Maybe the anniversary party will help. But different issues have come up with all of us separately and at some point, we stopped being as together as we used to be. The girls fell apart. We have tried to reanimate the group but things kept getting in the way. I miss them terribly, though. And I would love everything to be able to come together again. Believe me, though, I do love Tea Time still (doesn’t hurt to admit that I miss the girls though). I might not have my FRUIT[S] but the bears are some kind of wonderful. I love them just as well. In any case, I don’t think my second family would ever oppose reunions. Despite the distance, I know the love is still there. I believe it will always be there. 

  Goodness, I can just imagine Tea Time 20 years from now. How amazing would that be? 

  As for that relationship, we didn’t crash. We didn’t burn. But we’d been driving with a tire full of cracks and it finally popped. Probably should’ve worked on those communication issues more after his return. Maybe. In the end, I will still love him to pieces in the way I that I do (generally speaking). And I know we still believe that it was far too good to be true. I suppose, then, that it was. 

  I was lucky in love to find all of this. God granted me much much more than I could have ever deserved and He still continues to bless. Oh, how He loves. 

  When you listen to music sometimes it brings you back to a moment and how you deal with that moment is really up to you. You can make it a bad or good experience for yourself. It took far too long for me to finally listen to David Choi again and, still, I am struggling to not get led bad memories get brought on by him. And that’s a problem from 2010. The best thing is when you turn that memory to be grateful for. Push forward and make it better. I’ve got my share of songs to be bitter about, but you know what? That’s a waste of time. I’ve actually been able to turn those thoughts connected to songs into happier thoughts for me. As for the happy moments you lost? Stay happy about it. I still am.

  2013 may be a shit year and I would trade it in for another 2011 any day. But I can’t; this isn’t two years ago. BUT, I can still smile about it when it comes to mind, which is just as good.

  Can you stay, stay, stay with me?

  
  – ZelleZ

   

  • 7:53 am
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