June 7, 2013

  • Breaking up is hard to do?

    My least favorite part of a break up is dealing with people afterwards. 

    I don't know what it is but EVERYONE has to give their two cents of wisdom about a romance that they weren't involved in. It ranges from advice on coping, advice on moving on, reassurance that everything is okay, and advice on relationships in general. And it's not that I don't appreciate the sentiment — I do — but holy crap, what is it about people that make them think that every break up is a sob story waiting to be published into a 200 page novel for everyone to cry about? Just, really, I'm fine...can you just....let it go? I feel like I got over it faster than you did and it wasn't your relationship.

    The following phrases never fail me:

    1. What happened?

    I love people who come up to me and don't know me or haven't spoken to me in months and ask this question. As if there is some tragic reason for the split. As if THEY could fix our problems for us and everything will be dandy. No. No. No. Why does this matter? It happened. It isn't up to anyone but us to come to terms with the specifics and deal with them ourselves. And having people butt in and try to offer wisdom of something that they have no context about is a HUGE problem that needs to stop. Those almost never fail to hinder actual solutions to things. 

    2. Are you okay?

    No. I can't stop crying and I'm gaining 30 pounds from all the brownies I keep making. Okay, I get that people aren't always okay; some days you just really won't be but that happens. But I'm not dying. In my book, that's okay. I mean, other than the one minor detail everything is basically perfect. Continuing to dwell in not-okayness is 1. not my style and 2. just not productive. Even if you aren't okay, remaining upset about something that happened for three months isn't going to fix you, you gotta fix yourself. 

    I just I can't stand this question. I just feel like the tone of my voice when I tell that we've broken up should be a dead give away. 

    3. Awww, don't worry. Everything will be okay.

    I'm sorry. I'm sorry. What? I know that. I know you mean well but when I say absolutely nothing that implies that I'm upset about it or that I'm not taking it well, this phrase is thoroughly unnecessary; "how are you and that guy?" "we broke up" "awwww, it's okay, everything will be fine" "uhm...yeah...we're...fine..."

    4. Don't worry, you'll find someone

    I AM NOT WORRIED. STOOOP IIIT. Also, being a part-time feminist, this really rattles my bones. This is my BIGGEST pet peeve. I HATE this. And it isn't a whole "I don't need no man" thing. It's I know how to take care of myself. I know how to complete myself. I don't need anyone at all to do that. I'm not worried about finding someone. I couldn't care less about finding someone. I really don't give a damn. I don't look. I just wait to stumble upon something interesting and if it were to happen, then it would. I just like being independent. I'm a control freak. Sue meeeee.

     

     

    I think my favorite response to the break up is one of our good friends. She mentioned something about a potential future and I looked around at the group and then I turned to her and I go "oh, you don't know" and she goes "no...I don't...." and I go "we broke up..." and she goes "oh...yeah, I didn't know". And that was it. I mean, is that so complicated? If I cared enough to talk about it, I would. So...can we just move past that conversation?

    And you know what I absolutely hate? People who think I'm lying about not being okay. People assume that a break up means that you're going to throw yourself in a downward spiral. If you do that, well...that's really your problem...but it isn't mine. I mean, I got over the break up pretty quickly. As frustrating as it was, it didn't take very long for me to pack it into a box and write "late 2010 - early 2013" with a black sharpie on it for storage. 

    I get it — change is HARD. And it's really hard to accept it when things don't work out and you will wonder what you could've done right. But this is how I look at it: even if there were a million things you could've done right but didn't, God will let you know if He thinks you should try it again. You have forever to figure out what is and isn't right and the entire thing IS a learning process. Don't long for it, don't hope for it, don't expect it. Just look forward to YOUR future. If for some crazy reason God says "let's do this one more time", then just roll with it. However, if He doesn't, then you roll with that too. Someone interesting will come along and you will wonder what the hell you were doing before.

    In the meanwhile, quit LOOKING for someone to make you whole. Quit your stupid sappy tragic "forever alone" crap. You know a problem is when people who don't fully heal and get themselves get into relationships without repairing the damage themselves. You end up carrying your baggage — your trust issues, your paranoia, your fear, your anger — into a relationship that will have a whole set of its own problems. Take some breathing time. Find yourself, heal yourself, take care of yourself. If you're a believer, serve Him and trust that He will take care of you because He probably already is. Even if you were meant to be alone, at least then you'd be happy about the amazing things you do have — your friends, your career, your hobbies, your LIFE — rather than moping around something you don't. People don't smell the roses often enough and it was a problem that I'm trying not to have anymore.

    It isn't easy, I know that much. But it isn't as hard as it seems. I promise you that it was not as easy for me as I'm making it seem; there was just so much amazing potential and coming to that "I think we dug ourselves into a hole that we can't get out of" place is really sucky. I just feel like it is a choice to get up and roll on, because getting up is the hardest part. But once you get that ball rolling, moving past it is like cake.

    Look, I'm not a bag of wisdom or a fortune cookie or a magic 8 ball. I don't have all the answers. But this is my two cents and it's up to you to take it.

    -- ZelleZ