April 23, 2013

  • Ryan asked me....

    When the last time was that I wrote for myself. 

    And I laughed because it was when I wrote "And sometimes you get phone calls at 2am" (private blog), which I hadn't realized until now was more than a week ago. It just seems so silly for me to have to run here every time my mind goes astray. But you know, journaling everything I think — from bad thoughts to good ones — has always helped me keep track of my mental state. But I just felt like I shouldn't have to continue to run here. I felt like it's all I do and I always seem to get lost here.

    But he was right. I seem to be better off whenever I write, no matter the occasion. Whether it's just embracing life as is or throwing a tantrum about it. It seems so silly to not write when things aren't going right. After all, that's what I've always done. Who am I to tell myself not to?

    What is a writer without a couple of sheets of paper and a pen? A frazzled mind and a lost soul, wondering when she'll ever pick herself up again. God gave me the ability to write and I have to use it. I'm part of the Guam Writers Collective, anyway. So might as well. 

    So here I am, reading through the quotes on writing in the GWC. Among my favorites are:

    "Better to write for yourself and have no public, than to write for the public and have no self." -Cyril Connolly 

    Sometimes, you forget why you do things to begin with and you start to lose passion for things and when you do that, you are left with nothing. And while I have the jobs I do out of passion and to build my resumé, I have to remember why I do it to begin with. That these little pieces I write are more than just to inform people but to evolve my style into something that could be more beautiful than the world an imagine. 

    "Live, travel, adventure, bless, and don't be sorry." - Jack Kerouac 

    Steve said "don't be sorry when you're making art". Which of course makes sense to me. I write because I like it not to please other people. Don't be sorry, and don't think twice. Don't worry about what you're putting out there. Silly me. Write without regrets, I always say. Because what you write in that moment is as raw and as real as the feeling is. Even if you look back and wonder what the hell you were thinking later, at least you know that you were being honest. And really, what better than raw honesty? 

    "We write to taste life twice. In the moment and in retrospect." -Anais Nin

    Whenever I see or hear things happen in front of me, my first instinct is to write. I just want to be able to look back and visualize it in my head, no matter what the situation is. Close my eyes (except I can't do that when I read) and really feel what the words are trying to tell me. From the way his eyes glimmer whenever he talks about something he's excited about to the way to the way her arms become like jello whenever she's trying to explain something. I want others to see what I'm seeing and be able to see it over and over and over again the way the greatest books do. 

    "You make me want to write my words onto the paper like paint onto a canvas, the prose just as vivid as the colors dancing on the paper. " — Inspired, 2011

    And maybe part of my old inspiration is fleeting and has frustrated me to the point of stunting inspiration, it doesn't mean that it isn't there. Inspiration is wherever I find it. No matter what I write about. Whether it be how much I fear my mother taking herself out before anyone else can. The story of the greatest Love the world has ever seen. Or the tingling sensation of the way that the light kisses my nose whenever I look at the sun. 

    I don't know what has been making me afraid to write but this is getting silly. 

    I've had enough of a lot of things. I am one of those things. I am done here.

    But I am never done writing. 

    -- ZelleZ