April 7, 2013
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I don't know.
There are a whole lot of "I don't know"s here. Whether it's I don't know what to do. Or I don't know what I want. Or I don't know what you want. Or I don't know what I need. Or I don't know what is going to happen. There is a whole lot of not knowing. For almost everyone here. Everyone who has some sort of connection to me at this moment. I don't know.
And I know I can't ever say anything — most anything — for certain. I can tell you that I will love him for the rest of my life because true love never ends and the love I have for him is true to the bone in any sense of the word that you can take it. It isn't about wanting to be with him, no — which is another "I don't know". It's a selfless, unconditional and caring kind of love. It's a love in which I say that I will always care for him the way I will always care for most people. I know that the love I have for him will never die and I feel it fully and wholly in my heart and know that God has blessed that love I have.
I can't say that I will never leave and I can't say he'll never stay. I can't say that you will never move past this. And I can't say she will never fall. And I can't say "no, Joanna, we are never getting back together" and I still laugh thinking about him asking if I expected that. Honestly, I don't know what to expect. We can say whatever we say as much as we want. We can make all the promises we want to ourselves. We can tell each other that we are never going to end up together. We can always say we know what we're doing.
Thing is. God has this fancy way of saying "uhm, yeah, no I don't think so."
And as much as that could stress out the next guy, it doesn't stress me out nearly as much. I don't know what's going to happen in a year from now like I thought I did. I used to have it "all figured out" like you think you do. I used to want to run from this place and forget it all the way you do. But the funny thing is that no matter where we run, He's always going to bring us back home. And it's the most thrilling thought I've ever thought. The idea that even though I don't have it all figured out, I know He does and it's so reassuring because Father knows best.
So whether or not you end up writing books about something you discovered or she ends up picking herself up and living a life I will be proud of or he finally finds his place in this world or we end up living the rest of our lives without the other by our sides, I know that the outcomes of everything will be for the best. Because I know it is ALL in HIS hands.
Because though there are so many things that God isn't telling us that He has in store, at least we know that whatever it is will be absolutely and positively amazing.
All we have to do is trust.
And eat your bible. Every day.
"No bible, no breakfast"
-- ZelleZ
[Ate Mia, you are the epitome of God's work. You never wasted your life and you didn't look too far down no matter what He bestowed upon you. You lived specifically to glorify Him. You are the strongest person I know. You never wavered in your faith no matter what happened to you. You never questioned that He would take care of you and that He would do what was best. You are loved and missed and will serve as an inspiration for years to come. You definitely did your job here and I know your passing is not in vain. Too many hearts have been touched for that.
The heavens just received the most amazing person I've ever met and we know they're never giving her back — we wouldn't want to either. I bet the view is amazing. Until the day I get to share it with you, love always, your mini-me]
