April 6, 2013

  • For crying fucking out loud.

    I. Am. So. Fucking. Pissed. Off. 

    At everything. Oh my crap. 

    HOW THE HELL DID I FUCKING DO THIS BEFORE?!

    I look back at myself and I'm freaking the fuck out at how well I controlled it. I graced the world with a smile and yet you could still see the bitter look in my eyes. 

    I've been trying to keep it under control all fucking day but it's not working. I fucking slept trying to ignore it. Oh my crap, I'm doing exactly what I shouldn't be doing. Listening to all the hard stuff, trying to bang the monsters out of my head as if the constant rocking back and forth really would get them out of there. I'm so angry right now. And it's not necessarily anything in particular. It really is fucking everything. EVERY. FUCKING. THING. I DON'T UNDERSTAND WHAT THE FUCK IS WRONG WITH ME SOMETIMES. HOW THE HELL DO I WALK AROUND WITH A FULL HEART AND A GENUINE SMILE ALL THE TIME?! THE WORLD NEVER CEASES TO FUCKING AMAZE ME?! EVERYTHING IS WONDERFUL?! TRYING TO MAKE SURE EVERYONE I KNOW IS GENUINELY HAPPY?! OH MY...I CAN'T EVEN. shit. This whole self-sacrifice thing really fucking sucks sometimes. 

    I hate watching every fucking thing fall apart in front of me. It's all I've ever fucking done my entire life. Nothing I have ever known has stuck. It's amazing I'm not more bitter than I could be. It's fucking amazing that I turned out the way I am. 

    But it's so fucking hard to let go of my past self. I can barely contain myself. Fuck. I can already feel my heart hardening. I can feel nothing affect me again. Despite the guilty conscience of who I am now, I still can't help but not give a flying fuck. I can feel the feel of control rising. I can feel that whole "you can't fucking touch me" shit coming back. The feeling of empowerment from the fucking anger. I know this is why everything is starting to empty from my heart. 

    I can't do this. I can't do it again. I can't fucking do that to myself and everything else that is standing on my shoulders. It's getting harder to hold it up without letting it crash. But I have to. No one else can help me do this. I need to make myself whole.

    Shit. 

    I know what I need to do but I'm not doing it. Behind me sits a bible and in the back of my mind, I'm shaking my head at myself. Because I know I'm never alone. Every single time I start to get too angry, I set myself back a couple days on my devotionals and daily readings. And I know I it'll help to calm me down but I never do: whether it's this thing in which I don't want to read angry or I get so fucking stubborn that I want to fix it on my own. 

    Gosh, when anger is all you've ever known it's amazing to get back to. Could go either way and it's an experience I can barely even describe. 

    I can barely fathom it right now. 

    I'm tired of it. So tired of it. It's not who I want to be and it's the opposite of what I have been pushing another to not become. 

    Can't help others if you can't help yourself, I say. 

    Hopefully I'll start to calm down. Soon.

    It's really interesting to later see the person you've become. I know I'm not nearly as angry as I used to be so it's strange to see how I handle it now. The old techniques don't work because you realize what's going on. You realize that everything that used to calm down was not really a calming effect but rather your anger taking control of you. It makes you seem that you're fine. So when you depart from it and make yourself a different person, it isn't the same. When you've opened your heart, looked it in the eye and said get out. And not stored it in a little compartment you hope will contain it. 

    Anger is the worst form of poison. 

    I would know. I know it all too well. It is the oldest friend I have.

    I was born with it. For a long time, it was all I ever knew. And I know it was pretty obvious by the way I enjoyed letting people shudder in fear of me, but I had you all fooled didn't I? It was more than just irrationality and being temperamental. It was a genuine hate of everything around me. Funny, I must've fooled myself. 

    Anger is two-faced liar. It makes you believe that you are happy when you push people down and have control over them. It makes you believe that you legitimately don't give a shit when people turn against you or hurt you. It makes you careless motherfucker with no regard for anything. 

    Doesn't mean that nothing can touch you, though. When you find something that makes you genuinely happy, you have to make the right steps in order to really get rid of it. Not pretend like it doesn't exist. For a while, it seems like it doesn't. But when it comes back, it hits pretty hard and you start to lose control of yourself and you forget what it was that made you happy in the first place. I've been told I'm a totally different person when I'm with him. I shoved my anger into a corner and it simmered waiting for the right reasons to show itself. 

    I always knew you weren't the only one. 

    You and I, we aren't too different. Trust me, I know. I like to say that I've gotten better at dealing with it but now I'm not totally sure. Just our minds react to anger differently. Bottled up the same, sure, but I lash out and you hold it in. The power rises in the same way. We deal with it the same way. The crash is just the same. 

    But then I remember that I'm not afraid of my anger in a very different way. I'm not afraid to be angry. I'm not afraid to hold the monster's hand and walk it in front of a bus. You, on the other hand, will walk away from it. But dearest, it will follow you. It will never stop following you. And as it follows, it does nothing but grow and feed off of everything that it sees happen to you. Yes, it is probably always going to be there. Nothing can kill it off while you live in this world but two things: 1. Getting run over a bus will at least dismantle it for a while and stunts its growth and 2. Striving to become someone not of this world is the most reassuring thing ever. That second part means you'll always get taken care of. Anger really will never touch you. I love that idea.

    My God, You are too amazing for words. I suppose this was my time to be angry today. With Your grace and guidance, as always, I can get over this. Please, take my heart and do not allow it to harden. I do not want this for myself and for anyone else. Especially not You. Allow me to find good in what I have known, for I know sometimes I question myself when I say that there is. Allow me to never lose sight of your goodness or your grace. Hold me close and never let go. Because no matter what I do, no matter what I say I know I will always come running back looking for You. And I know that I likely won't feel like I deserve it but I will always know You will be there with open arms. Loved most when we deserve it least, I suppose. Too amazing for words.

    Now, I just have to try and get all my favorite tunes to stop pissing me off and feeding the anger. I love the sounds and they still are the only things that soothe me to sleep, but when all they remind you of is a time of who you are no longer it gets kind of complicated. I can't let go of amazing music like that. I just never realized how angry they made me until recently; realizing that they didn't calm you down but feed the anger and turned it into a form of control. It's a nuts process, man. 

    Nuts. Nuts.

    -- ZelleZ

    Well, that worked. Sweet.