February 19, 2013

  • I'm so tired.

    Honestly, I'm sick of this. I hate that it took another one of these for me to understand what the problem was; or even want to actually do anything about the problem. I really want us to get through this. I mean, I want this because I'm a selfish little girl who wants to be the one who cares for him; if anyone's going to do it, I want it to be me. I want to be the one to be there. I want to be the one he runs to when he's upset. I want to be the one he can depend on. I want to be the one he needs. I want to take care of him. 

    "AND I DIDN'T TAKE CARE OF THE ONE PERSON I SHOULD HAVE BEEN TAKING CARE OF."
    "So, do it."

    It's not because I want him. It's not because I want him to be around. It's not because I want him to take care of me. Yes, I want all those things. But at the end of the night, yesterday, I remembered how much I wanted to just nestle him in my arms and make sure he's okay. I want to be the one to make sure that he's all accounted for. And I didn't do my job. I wonder if I am the stupid one, after all.

    And I'm literally tired. I got more sleep last night but I know how tired my body and brain are right now. This whole thing is emotionally wearing. And I need to finish my news bits before bed. 

    -- ZelleZ