February 16, 2013

  • Sometimes.

    I just really want to break up with him. Honestly.

    It isn't anything personal. I love him. I love him with all my heart and I would do anything for him within my grasp.

    Just sometimes, I want to shove us in a corner and only deal with it when I feel like it.

    It is just so freaking hard.

    Sometimes, it's just too much to handle or is taking too much of a toll on me for me to want to deal with. I'd like to just get shit done without thinking about him, or us or hankering for the next time I can call him out on his bullshit because balancing the two can be a pain. Try typing up articles when you're waiting until your boyfriend isn't too tired or working to tell him that he's being an asshole in the most productive way possible. It's just hard to put in the back of your mind, because pressing the pause button would clear you up to get things out of the way. And it just is so hard to wait around for a person to come back, physically or emotionally. And stressful. He stresses me out to no end. And I am a demanding, high maintenance kind of girl.

    But it doesn't work like that. You don't just shove your relationship in the corner because you don't like it for a day or two or three. You don't get to skip to the good parts of the movie. No, you don't get that. You can't just call it quits because you're scared or just not in the mood for it or too frustrated. Because you risk throwing away something that could be. I can't throw that away. I can't throw away the boy who sleepishly reassures me that he'll see me tomorrow when I didn't ask. Who tells me that the only reason he'd want me to hang up is because of how tired he is. Who tells me that he's sorry for hurting me when all I did was get pissed at him. Who lets me go back to sleep when he wakes up too early and comes back hours later to wake me up with kisses or tickles, and a smile either way. Who, with as much effort and compromise, takes the time to maintain me.

    I told you, impatience bites. Impatience for growth. To see him. For next year. Impatience.

    And yet I still wait. And still, I will wait. For this stupid, stupid boy.

    Why?

    Because, I am his silly, silly girl.

    And I would never break up with him unless I absolutely had to.

    Because I'm not the stupid one (just silly).

    -- ZelleZ