June 23, 2012

  • Sleep.

    Sleep's been an awkward thing for me lately. Sometimes I only dream through the night. Sometimes I'm only half asleep. Most times I have a hard time getting to sleep, which is why I go to bed before 1; I know I'll just lay in bed for maybe an hour and rarely can I even cry myself to sleep lately. And just about all the time, it seems like I can't get enough of it. 

    I can show up to school getting any amount of sleep and I will still be tired. I will still take that early noon or after noon nap that I crave for when I'm not home. I will still try to kick everyone out as early as I can at tea time just so I can try and get some sleep. And to everyone, I am always tired. Some days I do nothing but sleep and still get more than enough I need for energy, with no avail — not like getting 12 hours at night is going to make any person less tired anyway. 

    But why? Well some days, I just don't want to do anything. I don't want to clean. Aren't hungry enough to eat. And everything and everyone on the planet couldn't keep me interested if they could try. Sleep guarantees at least an hour to six of time that I spend away from it all. Away from stress. The irritation. The sadness. The unclean house. The hormonal teenage sister. The stupid shows that I wish would come off of cable. The lack of food in my belly. The lack of books on my shelf. And the lack of Coyce by my side. Every hour of sleep I get is another hour I get to kill without him.

    Every single day I miss him too much is a day I spend in bed not eating, not cleaning, not showered and not missing him because it's all spent asleep. Asleep in the comfy little bed, wrapped in my blankets with the a/c too cold and Carter securely wrapped in my arms. Just hoping that he doesn't appear in my dreams, which is the worst thing in the world to wake up to. 

    I miss him. I miss waking up to him snuggled up beside me. I miss falling asleep to his voice on the phone. I miss sleeping knowing he'll be there when I wake up in the morning. Or calling him to my house when I can't seem to get any. 

    The different thing about this particular kind of long-distance is the uncertainty. One is not knowing for sure when he's coming home, unlike a lot of other people I know — which is similar to that uncertainty when I didn't know I would have come home in the first place. The other, and the most comparable difference, is the inability to know the next time I can hear from him. Through letter, which basically a one-sided conversation that I have to hold on to until the next time. And through phone call. Even though I get these phone calls every weekend once — twice if I'm lucky — I still have no idea when they will come. Each phone call comes at a different time, usually an odd hour, and on a different day. And when he gets back to actual training, I have to go through each week hoping, NEVER expecting, that I get one. 

    I get so envious of all the other long-distancers who get to talk to their SO every or even every other night, through skype or phone or chat. And get to send whatever they want through the mail — the Army has rules about such things with bct. That ability to talk to that person almost whenever they feel like it — or on a schedule. I guess that's what got to me when FJ told me "at least it's not nine months" [which, damnit it will have been because of his fucking fracture]. Because even though it was supposed to be only about 4 months without him, I can't talk to Coyce the way she can talk to Matt while they're apart. Because the Army cannot afford to allow that. And I can't say that I suffer more or that I miss him more or that it hurts more this way, but I can say that the convenience level is a lot lower in the situation.

    The interesting thing is that whenever he calls in the middle of the night, every single ounce of energy I never had is there. I laugh too loud, talk too loud and talk a little too much. And the second I hang up the phone, I fall asleep faster than it took for me to get to sleep in the first time — almost instantly. It's just. Easier to get to sleep.

    -- ZelleZ