March 23, 2012

  • I'm weak.

    I can't go at this alone. As much as I love the support online from the women across the world, it isn't enough. I can't just stay up during the wee hours of the morning just so I can soothe myself to sleep. I worry. Like crazy. And stress. About everything.

    I hope that I haven't done anything that would have gotten him in trouble since the SITs are getting smoked for people on the facebook page. I've been playing it safe though. Only giving names on the group and making sure not to attract any attention to the boy on the actual page — at least I hope. I might have missed something. In the meanwhile, I'm flipping out and hoping that I haven't done anything that could have possibly interfered with training in any way. 

    It's nuts. I've been living in my head for a while. And for everyone who thinks it's okay not to mention him or to not ask me how I'm coping, you all fucking suck. If something reminds me of him and I cry, let me fucking cry if you care about me at fucking all. This is a major part of my life that you're not touching on and if you genuinely don't care, get off my fucking blog. I don't need any more people pretending like he doesn't fucking exist. I DO NOT like having to separate my life. I'm FUCKING SICK OF THAT SHIT. FUCK THAT. FUCK YOU who do or have done that to me. I AM SO SICK OF TRAIPSING AROUND THE EGGSHELLS ON THE FLOOR. I thought I was through with that when I kicked the ex to the curb but what the hell is this? 

    I'm dizzy. And I don't know who to trust. And I don't know if I should. And I don't even know if anyone even friggin cares anymore. I'm tired. I'm tired of trying to slyly bring him up to people to only be shut down right after or the subject to get changed. LIKE FUCK. I know I'm trying to be strong here but IGNORE IT?! WHO THE HELL KNOWS ME TO IGNORE SHIT?! FUCK, GUYS. FUCK. 

    I stay home all the fucking time because no one is willing to talk to me about him. THAT is why I stopped going to D&D. THAT is why I go straight home after school. THAT is why I've spent so much time with his family and his friends. Because SHIT GUYS I MISS MY FUCKING BOYFRIEND AND IT AIN'T GONNA GET BETTER WITH TIME.

    Look at this shit: I'm pissed about everything and nothing. And I'm just fucking tired of everybody. Just fucking tired.

    My head hurts.

    Goodfuckingnight.

    -- ZelleZ