December 10, 2011

  • Typing starts 632AM

    Will we cross paths somewhere else tonight?
    Somewhere else tonight

    I am obviously stressing out. Slept not too long after you said goodnight and I woke up at least half an hour ago. Part of the inability to go back to sleep is my current freak out over potentially failing my math class.

    The other part, which takes up majority of my brain right now, is the obvious stress from being the girlfriend of a man who is going to enlist in the military. I hate you right now. 

    I spent the last few hours researching on the military and occupations and all that nonsense — nonsense that I didn't care about one year ago today.

    Think I understand why one year ago today you thought you wouldn't want to enlist if you found someone you thought you'd like to spend the rest of your life with — which parallels me saying I wouldn't stay for anyone a year ago.

    Last night I had a dream that we broke things off because you were enlisting in the army. Neither of us believed that things would work out between the two of us while you were stationed elsewhere. 

    Last Sunday when I started crying it was not just because you're leaving me but because I don't even think we'll make it through. I keep saying that now, huh? I guess it's my new mantra: SCREW EVERYTHING, SHIT WON'T WORK. I feel like all I've been doing lately is giving myself every fucking reason why we just won't last and why I should feel stupid and irresponsible for my future.

    But the problem isn't anything that even relates to us. It's because I just don't think you'll let it. You have an obvious tendency to let just about anything in the world get in between us. And I can and probably will argue about this for days until I finally give it a rest, but Coyce ALWAYS fucking has his way and you know it. Hell, you've even acknowledged it before. But maybe that's all about us; you just won't let me have my two cents so why bother? 

    I mean, I can name several reasons why this relationship could possibly just not work. Giving up was never intended to be one of them but what's the point anymore? What reasons do I have to have faith in you? What's stopped you before from just walking away from us? Why should I not to the same?

    I just feel like I would have wasted a whole year to putting up with your shit just so we could end things a year later....for like the same shit. So it's the same shit. If you wouldn't want to try a year ago, then why should I think that you'll want to a year later. All I want is another year, not an "I can't handle this".

    But that's the thing. Once this conversation happens, if you say that you won't try then there's no point in staying even if the Guard has availability where you want it. If you can't promise me that no matter what happens we will try to make it work until we can't anymore, then there really is no point to stick around. Because you just obviously don't love me enough...FUCKING SHIT IF I CAN STRESS OUT OVER YOU FOR NOTHING FOR A YEAR THEN I CAN TOTALLY DO IT FOR SOMETHING FOR AT LEAST ANOTHER YEAR. 

    And I'll never understand why you'd be so adamant still even after half the people we know are working long distance relationships. And maybe they won't work. But I know they won't give up until it's obvious that it can't. And unless you can do that for me, then I can't do anything for you. 

    And I can’t tell if you’re laughing
    Between each smile there’s a tear in your eye
    There’s a train leaving town in an hour
    It’s not waiting for you and neither am I

    If that happens I leave anyway and I promise not to let anyone near me just so that I can. 

    So if there is no Guard, there is no us.

    I'm pretty certain that's how the conversation will go. Maybe you have the tendency to spin things around lately but I'm not going to get my hopes up for anything just yet.

    -- ZelleZ