October 14, 2011

  • My Heroine

    Salvador asked me last night how a relationship based on no trust and so much anger lasted for almost three years. I told him if anything it was more of a safety blanket, that relationship. It was safe because we knew each other and we had been together for so long. So why not? And in a sense, it was so ideal because we had been together for so long and if we last the rest of our lives we would end up beating all of the odds.  

    And then there was the sense of control that he had over me. Always threatening to leave me and I never wanted to be abandoned by the security blanket that was my relationship, no matter how ugly or unhealthy the effects would be. 

    The drugs begin to peak
    A smile of joy arrives in me
    But sedation changes to panic and nausea
    And breath starts to shorten
    And heartbeats pound softer

    Like heroine. I shot you up every day and felt the effects start to kick in. I calmed myself, was able to find a sense of relaxation. It was soothing. It was safe. An addiction. Withdrawal effects. Irritation. Unhappiness. Anger. You held out your hand, invited me in and I took it. You kept me under control. You made me believe that I couldn't go on without you. You gave me every shitty reason to want you and I still wanted you. You made me believe that I needed you. 

    But under your covers more torture than pleasure
    And just past your lips there's more anger than laughter

    I thought of you when I heard this song in the morning. And perhaps I always will. Perhaps I'll always hear you singing this song to me, my tears stinging because of how you always thought this as a message to me. Those nights we would fight and we wouldn't say anything to each other. You'd whip out your guitar and sing all the bitter songs you felt applied to me. And I'd cry because I knew. I knew that you sang those words directly to me. And I felt them. And I felt them apply to me. 

    I ended up feeling like the most detrimental object of your life.

    I was angry. I was an angry teenager who had evolved from an angry preteen from an angry child. And I will not deny how angry and how tense you made me. How for 95% of the time we were together, we were always angry at each other. Finding reasons for the other to feel like the shittiest person on the planet. Finding reasons to prove our superiority over the other. Finding reasons to prove that the other was worthless, worthless without ourselves 

    It's funny how over a year later, I still hear this song and think of you. I think of how badly terrible to each other. In a sense, I suppose we were the other's heroine. But I think of how much I tried so hard to make you happy. How I surrounded myself with you and accommodated to your every whim as best as I possibly could. How I really did make you my world. 

    And you betrayed me. In so many more ways than one. With your lies. And your hurt. You took me and you tore at me until there was almost nothing left. 

    And it took every ounce of my being to get up and walk away from this addiction. To deal with the withdrawal. The pain. The hurt. The anger. The sadness. In the hopes of being able to see the bright light and maybe lead a life for the better. 

    I saved myself. 

    Or maybe he did. 

    Perhaps I've found a healthy addiction. Like cultivating a flower garden. Like finding a seed and giving it a home in the ground. Giving food. Giving water. Giving time. Giving life. Giving love. For it to blossom into something lasting and beautiful. 

    -- ZelleZ