October 2, 2011

  • Guilty of Innocence

    And it's three am and I had texted you to call me in the morning so I can talk to you. And I guess it's mostly just to assure myself that I'm not in the wrong. That I'm not insane. Because I'm feeling bad because...I'm not feeling bad. Wtf? The dillyo?

    Well the after party took place at Zen and we didn't leave until two. Edgar took a shitload of pictures and the hot topic for everyone with me tonight was the fact that boyfriend was not freaking out about who or where I might be with. You never have so I shrugged it off. I love boyfriend. Boyfriend loves me. I trust boyfriend. Boyfriend trusts me. The only way this gets messed up is if someone withholds some sort of crucial information. And Tiff was right: we are still babies. We're still young and we've got a long way to go and a lot of time to learn and grow. And we both know that and we both understand that this may not work out, despite how we feel now. But I think we've reached enough understanding with each other to kind of people to play by ear how things shall work from here. I don't think anyone understands that if you really love and trust someone you will learn to trust that person to do you no wrong or enough to learn from any wrong. You see me trusting here -- that he won't randomly abandon me again?

    And I know he shouldn't flip out if he sees a picture of Kevin kissing my cheek. It was all for the cameras and the sake of appeasing the rest of the staff who was there. And I made fucking sure no lines were crossed. Because I know that to me, Kevin's cheek-kiss meant absolutely nothing. I barely even remember it. Lmao. If that's supposed to be good or bad or whatever. I mean I returned with kissing the side of his glasses frames...like no contact. Lmao. It was supposed to be his cheek but I got away with the piece of plastic that wasn't even touching his skin. And I really didn't feel bad until Pauly flipping out to me about it.

    "Honey, do you really have a boyfriend?"Z
    "Yeh."
    "You know these are going on facebook right?"
    "Okay."
    "Oh honey....oh no..."
    "Pauly...don't worry about it, really?"

    And the question I end up asking myself is whether or not I should be flipping out. So I reversed the roles for a second and thought about you and someone kissing your cheek in a picture. And well, I decided that as long as I already knew about it -- you didn't hide it from me and I haven't known you to hide interactions with girls from me. And you better not have fucking started. And yes, maybe it would bug me. But I'm territorial. I hate people on my territory in the bluntest way to put it. But I wouldn't make it a problem unless it needed to be. Because I trust you and your ability to control yourself and what's going on around you.

    Today I realized that if I hear from you that you have eyes for me only then you do and vice versa because in that sense, we are one in the same. You've had a lot of close girl friends and I've had a lot of close guy friends. And like that we should know already not to jump to conclusions. And this was me reassuring myself that I had every right not to freak out like you shouldn't. Unless you will? I really don't know but I really don't expect you to at all. Hmm. 

    -- ZelleZ